my lip is bruised where he bit me i’m really willing to bleed for love apparently

shit i'm even willing to bleed for something that i keep telling myself isn't love, or rather something i keep telling myself i shouldn't get too attached to

becuase why would you get attached to a person you’re quite sure is not right for you? but then how do you know he’s not right? but then how does anyone know anything? but we still have to make decisions, don’t we, and all of our decisions are based on that same not knowing. we think we know some things but really all the decisions we make are impossible to make with certainty

all the decisions we make are uninformed and yet we inform them with what we’ve got. and what i’ve got is telling me no.

all the signs including the bruised lip tell me to stay away

i don't want to be with someone who’s going to hurt me even in that way, or in any way really, i don’t want to be with someone like that.

of course i’m okay with having the bruised lip in the 'something real happened to me' way, but i’m also at the same time not okay with it in an interpersonal way. i think it reflects a level of disrespect. he thinks he can just make me hurt like that

i think we're on very different pages but we can keep talking and hanging out… he offered that he had a friend with whom he does weekly check-ins and he said we could do something similar

and when he offered it to me it felt so condescending so clinical it’s like no i actually in fact don’t think i want that either sir i’m sorry to tell it to you

but then where does that put us especially after i spilled all my guts on him?

either way i think distance from it is what the doctor ordered

distance from him and space and time to get into what i felt like getting into today

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day

that’s how it feels, and i’m okay with the petty pace…. i’m okay with it becuase it’s picking up isn’t it and i used to you know imagine times like this sort of a little bit

i’m happy to be alive quite happy indeed bruised lip and all

and i don’t have anything to say about the bruised lip, nothing else, because the rest is too important to me, far more important at the moment than any boys who will only distract me with their inabilities to know how much is too much how hard is too hard to bite when you're kissing and how much teeth is too much to use when sucking someone’s dick… and just in general how to do things, you know, how to communicate using one's body… i don’t need to comment on how love shouldn’t hurt and how yes it is romantic in a sense to have a bruised lip, and it is poetic in a sense that this relationship has only made me bleed on the inside, and it’s all very nice and poetic, but now is the time for me to put a noose around it,,, to nip it in the bud as it were if i may use the phrase, and say goodnight to you. please allow me to withdraw, a la golyadkin. yakov petrovich golyadkin, that’s my name.

je suis russian all will be revealed no need for any grasping here just some presentiments coming in and they’re getting funnner like it’s all just fun to imagine isn’t it

for now though i must withdraw and i thank you for your attention and i love you