i dont get depressed i get drop dead gorgeous

i suppose it does help to remember that i will die

i think that’s a good little thing that keeps everything in perspective and reminds you that the days you have really are limited and like... do you really want to spend some of your precious limited time worrying about what you’re doing right now? instead you could drink from the source instead of getting drunk at the stream

idk what i mean exactly by that it’s just a quote from umberto eco that i rediscovered looking through my google docs

i think there is something to be said for looking back at all the old shit that i’ve written and it’s like

i know the anthill thrives on nonlinearity or at least that’s what i tell myself in order to avoid accountability to make anything make sense

nonlinear by design but also by laziness but also to show you what i value and something i don’t value is linearity and narrativization of "my life"

sure there’s a lot of narrativization in there anyway but like i refuse to let this thing be some kind of you know traditional self portrait and description of my journey and finding myself and blah blah

it’s not what i’m doing it’s not what i’m doing

anyway that’s all boring talk it’s all like talk about managing my appearance and shit which i’m declaring, hereby, is not part of my purview anymore

things that are part of my purview include like uhhhh fucking being grateful to my friends instead of bombarding them wtih my own insecurity

like honestly i really could’ve taken a little moment to reflect before i just up and sent them that message earlier, but it did contain some key information so like sue me i wanna be in contact with these people

but what i mean is that i could’ve sent them something more heartfelt than logistical. shit idk man the whole texting as communication thing still bothers me and stillllll just like i want to avoid it

avoid and need i remind you that the whole point is to literally put a bullet in your computer screeeeen and then therefore isn’t it ironic that i spend so much time behind my own computer screen opening it obsessively and.... yeah, it’s all true.. it’s all fucking true.. but don’t bring it up to me motherfucker. .

just got a flashback to being on the subway platform after lorde with r--- and we were really just like kikiing acting somewhat a fool and i felt like we were being truly observed you know like i felt like we had eyes on us because of our obnoxiousness

and who fuckin knows what anybody even thinks of me like genuinely no idea i’ll never ever be able to fully tell like ever

i think of john waters and my impression of him, just formed from the stuff he wrote about and like how he carries himself in the interviews and videos i’ves seen of him. and through all that, i consider him one of my heroes like in the real hall of fame of people i consider heroesssss and like i only saw one or two of his movies but they made such an impact that i feel like i’m able to say all that

i wonder if homophobia is more baked into culture than we realize

because like there was some controversy about to start getting announced over the intercom. thi ii ii i i not gooooodhwnehhhhhhhhhn you see mothers like this just walking out of their duties because you’ve upset them so

rollers still in their hair red lipstick painted on them and somehow glosssssssy even after chainsmoking those cigarettes the last of which you see in her handddddddddddddddddddd leaking smoke out the tip you know like fuckin a little tube uhhhh like a sewer system tube leakssssssssss out the nasty sewer air

no more smoking weed , are we settled on that, is that going to be the new years resolution, to just like ignore weed or avoid it way more than i have been? i think it’s not a bad idea although i really do like the absurdity of things like that, of like things from austin powers like the whole absurdity of it all bro... i don’t know whwwherei’’ n going with this. ihhave no idea... ju and like you walk upstairs and everything and you seeeeee people putting their vinyl in front of the a someone pointeddiiiiii will not bso uhhhh yeah i htihink i’m ready to jjjjjjusta s i start to think of l--- and it's clearly upsetting for the gogs whooojjjjuhhhh whatever this is the gmsomeone disappointed in that d

umm anyway i know it’s no tatami but it’ll oo,o,,,,,,,,,,,,, s4