the question right now is what to even do. all of the options feel sort of insufficient for the purpose. and then the purpose is elusive. what is the purpose, exactly? do i have a purpose right now? is there anything i can do? anything i want to do?

there are a lot of things that i could do, or feel like i ought to do, or otherwise might do, and all of those things are not registering anywhere in my mind or brain or consciousness.... for example, responding to any of the texts that i have right now, unread: not doing that. is it that i’m not interested in engaging with the two-dimensional world? in which case i ought to, you know.... see who there is in real life to interact with.

aybe today is already over.

i think we can go ahead and name that me and c▒▒▒▒ are not going to be seeing each other anymore. i’ve left the ball in his court, and he’s let the ball drop, and the ball has deflated. i’m honestly cool with it, because i was having the feeling as i was saying goodbye to him that i was not interested in continuing. so we’re going to leave it at that.

but as for today........ i’m free for the rest of the day. i have eight hours until i need to go to sleep, and i would prefer not to smoke weed during that time. i would prefer to challenge myself to stay present for all of that time.

we are in day two of this last month of our lives as a medical student..... after this, it’s all over.

i havd a conversation with r▒▒▒▒ in the elevator. he got so absorbed by looking for our classroom that it became clear that he really sort of didn’t care about our conversation. there was something resembling genuineness in his approach, but it was the genuineness of someone asking about your dog that died, or some other condescending such.... he was being sympathetic toward me, like 'who could ever...'

but i’m already so bored of talking about this whole thing.

recursive today was day two of the last month, and it was day one of sobriety, maybe? still to be determined. i went to a virtual 'marijuana anonymous' meeting. i feel new.... i was walking down the stairs in [library] to go to the bathroom, and i was looking at each step, and i was walking so slowly, especially as i was leaving the main room, walking so slowly, in no rush... because why would you be in a rush, anyway, when you don’t have anything in the future, and the main thing is this moment, right here?!

i’ll leave you with that. and i love you. and we’re doing this shit.... we’re doing this shit. shoutout to groups of people, bro, for real. groups of people... super-fucking-organisms... it’s real, and it can even happen on zoom, which is surprising and crazy. but i felt the effects of being in that superorganism, for realsies. so yeah.... there you go, and i’ll catch you later. shoutout superorganisms.

yes, you are also a superorganism in and of yourself, but i’m encouraging you to think biiiigger. extend your consciousness into a larger thing... with more people. you can connect with other supergoragnsimss and become a supersuperorganism. you can go bigger. it’ll be amazing. you got this, and i still love you.