first day of intentional sobriety and the universe is already laughing at me. i get to the random ass days inn in pennsylvania by the big ass lake (so the map said) and can't find the entrance, so i walk all the way around the building which seems way too big for what it is... then i stumble upon a skinny old-looking dude who's smoking something. he looks at me and is like, “is this legal here?” and i'm like “what is it?” and he's like “pot” and im like “i was just wondering that too” and he's like “well i parked out back, so” and we sort of stumble over each other with sort of general musings…. i was like “i won't tell on you” with a grin. he extended the joint to me, and i was like “oh no thanks i appreciate it though.” maybe i should've stop-and-chatted? but i felt like i was being challenged to actually SAY NO to drugs… the universe offered it as a sort of test… but now that i really think about it, i think maybe i failed???? like what if god wants me to be a stoner but he just wants me to have a sense of community about it? and instead i just keep marching forward to check into the dingy motel while the guy starts hacking up a lung off that little marijuana cigarette.

and then i started talking to myself like “can i get an entrance please? how the FUCK do i get in?” and behind the door of a car is a woman - didn't realize she was there, but then i realized that it seemed like she had heard me. i didn't make eye contact, just kept walking, hauling my unnecessarily heavy-ass backpack behind me. right after i passed her i heard the sound of something hitting the ground and that characteristic sizzling of soda spilling out, and a muttered expletive from the woman. if only i'd stop-and-chatted with the weed man and accepted his offer for a hit, the woman wouldn't have spilled her soda and i wouldn't be sitting here writing this as i eat a “meatless burger” in the motel restaurant, empty aside from the redheaded twenty-something with similar glasses as me and the sun-bleached posters of country music stars of yesterday. the burger is delicious and the sun is setting outside the window to my left. and i am sober.