my life is just one long series of what the hell sure.

but i want to be even more open to things. i don’t talk to that many people when i’m on the road. i want to talk to people and have the interaction not just end with the business. i have this tendency to be all business around people. but what if i was all business and some pleasure?

i went through the ezpass lane under the assumption that i had an ezpass subscription or whatever the fuck… needless to say i didn’t, and that’s not how it works. you gotta have a transponder stuck on your windshield or else they’re gonna fine you fifty to one hundred dollars.

and then i was punishing myself mentally for the offense for a few minutes. and then i approached the next toll station, and it said that it was either ezpass or they will bill you by mail. and i was like “nope, we’re not doing that,” so i took the last exit before the toll, and that proceeded to take me on what ended up being a ninety minute to two hour journey through who knows what. it was the del water gap state park or something.

i pulled the car over at this little homestead looking thing with a field behind it, and in that field i found transcendence. it was thousands and millions of little clover flowers in the field, and the trees, and all kinds of bugs making noises, and birds tweeting, and that one animal that goes like HOOO... HOOOOOO... HOOOO…… WAHOOOOo... HOOOO.... HOOHOOOOO.... you know what i mean? i don’t know what that one is called. i think my sister had convinced me at one point that it was coyotes who made those noises, because they sorta sound like a child in distress, and that’s how they trick unsuspecting and empathetic people into coming into their lairs and falling into their jaws, their clutches..... and to never follow the sounds of babies crying in the woods because you’re sure to get eaten that way. all those nosies came together, and the wind blew in such a way that made me think, “this is it. this is what life is all about. this is transcendence.”

and i considered all of the neuroses i had been harboring which i hadn’t even known i’d been harboring, and i let them fall away, and i let myself just exist.

but then this truck came around the loop where i’d parked, and they stopped for a second, and it looked like there were four dudes in the truck, and it seemed they were looking at me, and the truck stayed for just long enough for me to start getting paranoid that i was somehow in the wrong place, or that i was unwelcome in that field behind the homestead, and i suspended the transcendence, got back in my car, and drove another hour or so in a direction that i would need to reverse.............. steps that i would need to retrace to get back on the same old interstate...........

when i got back on the same old interstate and saw the same old sign saying there’s a toll in one mile, and the same old other sign that said last exit before toll, i had the gift of experience this time, and i knew that the exit was something of a false exit that would only lead me down endless roads which turned to dirt at multiple points, and the drive would turn into an actual game of skill, what with all the potholes filled up with rainwater and mud... i hit so many potholes, bruh... and i avoided even more potholes than that.

spiderwebs anyway, i continued down, and i eventually did have to pass through the toll booth - not the ezpass one this time - and i saw the flash of the light that signaled that i had been photographed, or rather my license plate, but what’s the difference between me and my license plate when i’m in the car? the car has become an extension of my self. i am in superorganism with the car. it’s my extended consciousness at that point. i am the car, the car is me, we are not different... and shit.... and uhhh..... yeah...

a dude just walked by, and he smells like cinnamon but also somewhat grassy, a really lovely smell, and he’s speaking spanish with this other dude behind me now... almost a vaporub kind of smell...........

i’m sitting in this hotel lobby where i’ve tucked myself away for the night, next to the artificial fireplace which is not lit... boring... boring, unnecessary details. tell us what else happened.

the other things that happened were that uhhhhhh.... yeah. i was so sick of driving after doing all that pothole navigation and then doubling back on the path and eventually going through the toll that i had tried so skillfully to avoid... but i came to realize that if you want to go west, if you want to go any further west, you must pay the toll... there was no way for me to keep going west without paying the toll… and west is where i’m trying to go.. i’m trying to go super far west right now... and there’s some kind of metaphor for manifest destiny here... some kind of colonizer behavior i’m engaged in... FUCK. whatever. i’m exiting these interstates, trying to use the dirt roads, but realizing that sometimes you have to use the interstate to keep going.... ugh, i’m sure there was a way around it, but i couldn’t find it. i didn’t have it in me. i really looked. i really tried and tried… but then, once i thought i cracked the code and i was going west again, i realized i was just getting spit back out on the road which i had just come down... it spit me out on the other side of the road which i had just traversed..... i was going northeast, and i told myself it’s okay because sometimes you gotta close a door to open a window... mount everest something something..... and then when i found myself going back southwest it was only because i was going the other way down that same road i had been on..... in del water state park.... fawk man....... fawk.

and yeah, once i passed that toll booth and had my photo taken with the flashing light, i was feeling ready to call it quits on driving for the day... day zero, day one, whatever you wanna call it.

and that’s when i was like “fuck it. i’m smoking tonight. this sobriety that i’ve been in... we can suspend it for just this one night.” and i typed “dispensary” into my google maps... and i found one, and i was like “well shit, looks like weed is legal in pa…” so i drove to it... it was nine minutes from my hotel.... and then uhhhh.... and then i uhmmmm.... and then i.... then i...

trials i try not to waste money on such expenses as hotels when i’m on the road, and i try to keep my nightly lodgings below fifty dollars, but i ended up spending 122 dollars for this hotel room, and uhh… FUCK!

i drove from the hotel parking lot to the dispensary, and i was starting to feel a little anxious the closer i got to it, for reasons.... i park, and it’s a nice-looking establishment, maybe even a little too nice for what it is,,,,, and i walk up to the front door and see a sign that says “hold up your medical card and we will let you in”… and i was like, “medical card.... oh... so it’s like that…” and the dude inside looked at me and made some kind of gesture, and then i opened my wallet as if to say “i’m looking for it,” but of course there’s no card in there, no matter how hard i look.... and i sort of just waved at the guy, still looking in my wallet, as if to suggest to him that i’d left the card in my car or something... and i walked back to my car. i looked at the place on google maps, and sure enough it said it was for medical cannabis or whatever the fuck... and then i looked at the other options on the map and immediately gave up. i had taken the hint from god: i’m not supposed to smoke. i’m not quite a stoner anymore. at least not that kind of stoner. if i’m going to be a stoner then i’ve got to have a sense of community about it. that’s what i learned on the last road trip, at the days inn in pennsylvania... damn, that really was pennsylvania, too, wasn’t it? where that guy asked me if it was legal... huh. it’s funny how you write about these things and they stay with you.

days inn so, long story short, no weed for me tonight. instead, i went to this pho place and got claypot tofu and ate that, and the waiter came over to me twice and was like “it’s different, right?” and i was like “yeah yeah!” and i just ate my shit and contemplated things... i just ate and contemplated things..... i considered rewatching bojack horseman, which i think i will actually do. maybe i’ll do that now. or maybe i’ll keep reading moby dick. i brought it down to the lobby with me.

oh, the other thing is that after dinner i filled up my two low pressure tires with air, and it cost $1.75 to use the air machine for 5 minutes, and i got gas, and gas was $4.48 per gallon, and then i went into the grocery store and i bought cherries, but the bag of cherries cost 18 dolla

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i have to fucking facepalm, bro. i lost all the rest of that shit. but i guess the story was already over. i guess i was already done talking. because really... i got the 18 dollar cherries, i got fucking ripped off, and i took the cherries with me, and i ate them while driving back to the hotel, and i spit the pits out the window, and what else?? that’s fucking it. there’s no other commentary that needed to be made. i got cut off. the google docs page broke, and i didn’t realize it because i don’t look at the screen while i type. so it’s on me.... it’s on me!!!! it’s on me.... i was done writing anyway. i wasn’t saying anything worth mentioning. some shit about the colonial situation..... yeah, i’ve said it all before... i’ve said it all before......... so there you go. it’s all over. now i’m going to read moby dick, or i’m going to watch bojack horseman, or i’m going to do some secret third thing.