the reason why i dont like premeditation is multifold. one of the folds is that if i were to be spending this time while eating breakfast thinking about what towns to pass through on my drive today, i wouldn’t have seeen the way the water beads up on this metal pole outside, which is presumably meant to lift someone handicapped in and out of the pool. it says "spectrum" in blue letters on the metal bar, and there’s a second bar that seems to allow it to bend, creating a triangle, the triangle changing in shape as it goes down or up.....

and i get that accessibility is important to people, but if it were me, i would be too humiliated by this machine to use it. i can’t imagine sitting in this pouch that looks like a torture device and is suspended by a glorified clothes hanger. sitting in that and then being deposited into the pool... i can’t imagine it for myself, but i suppose others can imagine it and probably really appreciate it, so i shouldn’t hate at all. i really, really shouldn’t hate.

the point is premeditating prevents you from meditating, which is the point. it's missing the point. i don’t believe premeditation is the point. it’s not the point!!! the point is the point. and if you’re premeditating, you’re missing the point......... is that clear?

and also like...... you don’t know what you’re going to want to do in the future. even in this next moment, i might decide i don’t want to do anything that i’ve been doing. i want a complete change in my life, you know? i could decide that at any moment. throw away all these white and brown foods i’ve gotten myself for breakfast,,,,,,, start wakling around, become a vagrant in this town of allentown, this state of philadelphia... err, pennsylvania.... and be done with the regular world forever. find the nearest buddhist monastery, or really any monastery, and join their ranks. tell them my sob story about how i’m sick of society, and join them up.

i am an island in myself... and of myself.... if there is nothing that i need from someone, i tend not to even acknowledge them at all... i could stand to be friendlier... i could stand to be less standoffish... i don’t think of myself as a standoffish person, but i’m also someone who doesn’t speak unless spoken to. is that some kind of gen z thing in me? i wonder what is the reason for my apparent standoffishness. it’s kind of hard to say... i’m not sure what i’d attribute it to... but i can be aware of it, and i suppose self-awareness is important. but then it’s like damn.... if iiiiii wasn’t aware of that until just now, then what else might i not be aware of that i’m just, you know.... carrying with me unknowingly through this life?

what i'm trying to say is where does it end? where does the self-awareness end... and that’s a silly question, i suppose. there is a limit to it which is quite natural. i don’t need to be aware of the little things that don’t affect antyhign at all... but things like how i act around others, around strangers, i think that is of some importance.. i think it’s somewhat interesting and worth examining. why did i pass by this family eating breakfast and not even look at them, saying nothing to them when i could have said good morning or something, and left it at that? not even needing anything from them but to say good morning? why not try that next time? it is worth thinking about——not thinking about, actually, but doing.

to be a bodhisattva in this world means leaving each place better than you found it. i want to water the soil where i have been.

but coming back to the point. there are trees outside, some of which look like they were planted here, installed here, not by god but by man... and then there’s the pool area with all the white plastic chairs.... two of which for sunbathing, and then two tables of four chairs which are upturned, leaned fully into the tables so as to prevent water from accumulating on the seats, i imagine... but i see the water beaded up on the chair seats, just like it is beaded up on the metal bar with "spectrum" on it, the bar which holds the glorified clothes hanger with the undignified torture device-looking basket for diasabled humans. and i come back to the point, and it feels good.

the sky is gray. it’s a monotone, uniform gray, with of course little brushstrokes of darker gray in places, to represent clouds.... so, then, if those are clouds, what is the big gray thing? is that just one huge cloud, and are we under one massive cloud right now? that’s how i understand it, anyway... but it seems implausible for a cloud to be that large.

let’s examine why i prioritize being around and with other people. why do i prioritize socialization, why do i have this anthropoocentric view? why do i think my writing is somehow less interesting or less worthy of reading, less worthy of doing, when it is not explicitly centered around other people?

there is a balance to be struck, as there is in everything. i believe it’s worthwhile to...

oh. it started raining. it wasn’t doing that before. i would’ve noticed. but now it’s spitting down some rain, and this beige plastic box outside the window has a pool of water on it which is getting speckled and spattered with raindrops.... so it’s lightly raining right now.

mmmmmmmmm that english muffin with da peanut butter right now... first bite was almost dastardly. it tastes delicious to me... heard you’re back together and if that’s true you’ll just have to taste me when he’s kissing you.

i keep looking inside the pool at the little thing that says 3 ft 0 in...... the 3 is benefiting from the refraction of the water and is rendered in this new, emergent font where the upper half of the number is bigger and the lower half is smaller, making it look really cute and retro in a way..... you know... just imagine that, with the top fo the 3 much larger.. and you’ll draw it... the zero is similar, but it would be harder to appreciate the effect if the 3 weren’t there next to it. i love this new font, this new emergent font going on here....

i am boringmaxxing. this is boringmaxxing and slowmaxxing. man, n▒▒▒▒ was really onto something when she said slowmaxxing four years ago. and now everything is something-maxxing...... but she was saying it really before it was cool. and i support her. i believe in her. i hope she will do great things in the world. i hope she will... amen.

honestly at this point i’m even more bitter and resentful toward g▒▒▒▒ and p▒▒ than i am toward n▒▒▒▒. i think it’s because with n▒▒▒▒ we had plenty of good times and things bonding us since the bad thing took place, but with g▒▒▒▒ and p▒▒ it’s all just been sort of tense tense tense the whole time. except after the ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ when p▒▒ came up to me and had that whole spiel for me and asked me if there were any other reasons whyyyyy ▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒.... and i lied to her and said no there wasn’t..... i’ll never tell them the whole truth...

but there, on the surface of the pool, all these circles coming out and out and out,,,, interfering with each other, dissipating each other before the circles have had a chance to fully expand outward... so fast is the rain, so chaotic are all the interferences....

there is no neeed for premeditation, nor for postmeditation, not with so much present moment in front of you like this... what would be the reasons or it? what would be the point of it? i’m ready to live in the present moment. this is the only place for me to be.