i know for a fact that smoking would make me feel better right now.
sobriety though i know, i know, i know, nothing is known, and i know that it would eventually make me feel worse, blah blah,
you know that feeling when you realize that the thing you were worrying about is actually a little ridiculous?
i have this pressure on myself to be perfect or something. i want to have this very measured, very controlled way about me, but the truth is i’m a human, and i err, and a lot of this shit doesn’t matter in the slightest, and nobody else is thinking about it as much as me, and life goes on, and some of this shit isn’t acutally real, you know...
isn’t it funny how the same old bullshit comes back even though it’s a new year?
the new year doesn’t mean anything. it’s why i took so much joy in fucking up the countdown last night. this shit is fake, and time flows in the way that it does, and we put these weird boundaries around it that ultimately mean nothing outside of this strictly hypersocial, colonial context. and yes, it is colonial. they weren’t thinking about time in such a linear, prepackaged way before colonialism, i’m pretty sure.
i have been thinking about k▒▒ and how he kept trying to kiss me last night, and how he did actually kiss me that one time. should i have communicated more clearly somehow?
don't kiss me why was he grabbing me like that? it was honestly kind of embarrassing for all of us.
i didn’t tell him to stop or anything like that. i guess i should’ve told him to stop or something, but i didn’t want to make it into a whole thing...? i don’t know, man. it’s hard to understand some of this stuff.
i’m glad i didn’t just smoke about it. yeah, sure, i’m glad. and i’m not resentfully glad. i’m not just saying i’m glad in the way you tell a parent you’re glad you got put in time-out because you were really acting up and you value the role of discipline. i’m not just being a kiss-ass. i’m not being passive-aggressive. i do appreciate that you stepped in and reminded me why we’re choosing this life of sobriety. i’m exerting so much self-control right now. it’s a good way to start the year, i think.
it does get kind of, you know..... what’s the word.... i don’t know how to describe this feeling i’ve got. i’m sure it’s one of those things where when you go to sleep, you’ll have that reset that you’re craving.