i had a moment of pure ecstasy on the ground today.

trees a tree had fallen in my grandpa's driveway, by his front door. i was snapping the branches off and throwing them down the hill. some of the branches were heavy. some were so thick that i couldn’t break them off. i would need an axe. there was one particularly heavy branch that pulled me with it when i threw it. i slipped on the ice, which i guess i didn’t realize was under me, and i fell straight down.

my hand smacked the ice as if i were trying to slap the earth as hard as i could, and my knee absorbed the rest of the shock. there was a lot of pain, but then i remembered the pleasure father zosima seemed to feel near the end of his life as he talked to his disciples. that’s when i felt pure ecstasy in the pain. i started moaning and yelling like i was having a crazy orgasm, so good did the pain feel after i'd switched the flip and broadcasted the word "ecstasy" into my brain.

i looked up and saw the blue sky and the clouds moving left to right and the trees swaying at the edges of my perception.

busted lip while lying on the ground, i realized the truth in the idea that disease brings us closer to god, like that divinicide meme says, the one with the francis bacon painting with text overlaid: "through disease we can reach god." writhing on the ground, yelling in ecstasy with no one around to hear it, i was closer to god.

defilement in moments like that, you start to understand how that monk was able to self-immolate without showing any expression other than devotion. i believe him, and i believe that he did us all a service showing us, in real time, by way of spectacle, that death isn’t scary when you’re prepared for it.

we’re not in the business of talking about lessons right now. snow is falling, even though it all melted last night. i want to be out there while the snow falls and the sun sets and the world becomes gray.