in the torn up town
too cold to be out here. not warm like it used to be. i got on layers right now in this bitch.
i think the dreams last night are worth some analysis. at least the one that made me cry. i was confronted with a big room full of my peers just like filling out a form. that shit is so disturbing to me that it made me weep while i was asleep and again when i woke up. i'm pretty sure what made me so emotional was to seeeeee my peers engaged in the kafkaesque atrocities that are so common in the modern day. but honestly, i like crying, and it was a relief, actually, to cry.
he is lonely, he is sad, he is lonely and sad, and he is remembering the horrors.....
the horrors are such that we really seem to think we cannot overcome them.... and i think that might be where the grief comes in... i think it might be actual gggggrief that i have felt recently. i think that it has been grief.
well, in any case, right now, what we have going for us is that we are writing. i feel comfortable enough. it's not horrible. it's not warm, but it's also not cold. it's like... cool. i nod my head because i found the word, and i smile because of how silly this all is.
it feels good to be off the screen. i was on the screen too much earlier.
i'm a dumbasss... but in a fun way. like, when it comes to the earth and the globe and stuff, i'm just not an expert. i love that we are all here on the earth together, but don't ask me to identify any countries on a map. i'm still a provincial dumbass, you kno?
but the thing is, i was looking at the sky earlier, and... i want to look at it again. one sec.
okay, i put my sunglasses on, and i looked at the sky. actually, i looked at the sky and then i put my sunglasses on, and then i looked at the sky again.
what's the rush?
why do your fingers travel across the keyboard
at the speed that they do?
because this is serious, bro,
because i have work to do,
because nobody wants to work anymore
except for me.
now.....meh... i don't even wanna listen to this song, but i almost owe it to my own consciousness to hear what the jackson 5 has to say about wanting someone back.
back there
it's good to be alive, and i still do feel those strange leftover feelings from the minor depressive episode there, back there... back there. remember that little depressive episode we had recently? in the last couple of days? but then i gave myself a transfusion of social contact...... but i still haven't interacted with someone MY AGE in over a weeek, who knows how long.... nine days or eight days or something like that.
a little beeee looks like it's kind of struggling over there. it's trembling a little bit, and it's boucning its ass a little.
one individual organism does matter, in spiteeeeeeeeeee of what melville said about how no one would read a book about an ant or a flea........ but he did prove that we would read a book about a whale.
super
i was thinking about the superorganism that was required to build that big-ass river-water power-extracting dam thing..... and i was like, wow, what a waste of human potential, for real. for us to build something like that, to get into a superorganism with dozens of people.... and you're just like, fucking.... ugh. building a retarded assssss superstructure abomination. horror beyond comprehension, you know what i mean? it's fucked. it's just fucked up is all it is: fucked up....
well, anyway. let me go check on those damn wasps.
what i didn't realize until this morning was that a groundhog is a woodchuck. or vice versa. both, i guess. both. it's all one creature.
one health
one health... remember that? our health is the bacteria's health is the chickens' health, you know what i'mmmmm saying?
realness
it's time. you feel it? it's time.
meditation is fine, dali. it's fine. why are you opposed to it? or are you? is this some kind of ragebait thing? is this a koan? is this a koan, dali, is this a koan? the trees seem to think it is.
okay, so it was a koan. and now everyone agrees. there is a consensus gathering among the trees now. did you notice how you can watch the leaves do the wave... down the row of trees... when a breeze rolls through? it's a form of consensus in the natural world.
the natural world is the only reason i do not go crazy. luckily, the world is too vast. luckily, consciousness istself is too vast. luckily, it's all too vast.
holy shit, dude, do you see, up there, at the top of the tree, all the pine cones, and how bountiful they are? they're so high up. that's one of the tallest trees iiiiiii think i've ever seeen. you see that one there, and you see up there, how it has those pine cones? i'm not really sure what that is about. can you help me figure it out?
iiiiiiiiiiiiiii guess, in life, i neeed pppppeople who are going to help me figure out things like that, or at least people who can look at them with me. wouldn't that be nice? to live with someone, and to point out how tall the trees are.
do you have that goal? more life? do you want to keep going? i think life should always start with an answer to that question, the answer being yes. that's the one, main, structural rule i have for my life is that i cannot end it. i cannoooot end my own life. i don't do it. i won't do it. i can't and i won't, and there's beauty in that. like, i genuinely believe "don't kill yourself you will die" is fucking true, bro.
category is FISH!!!
melancholic solitude is pretty easy to romanticize when you're surrounded by your friends, even if only via text. your friends and the trees.
i get a little swell of excitement thinking about being here in the winter. like the DEATH of it all. i love the idea of death right now.
i think it's okay to lean into mental illness for the fall. like, we need mentalllll illnessss. if i were in it for normalcy then this would have ended a long fucking time ago, breh..... it would have ended a very, very time long ago, frankly.
but i'm okay with some structure. SOME structure i have to be okay with.
one last thing... MENTAL ILLNESS, but you still do self-care. you allow yourself to be mentally ill while also taking care of yourself, mama. that's allallL!!! YAS!!!
but the self-analsysis, ahahahahaha, we already know it's not worth it.
mmmmbop
do whatever u want, breh.
i think i'm now entering the manic part of manic-depression, thank god. i made it back, thank the lord, LMFAO. we made it.
i love grammar, i love language, i love languages different from english, i love all the languages, i love you all, i love everyone, i love skull caps and i love headbands, i love anything that protects my ears from the cold... and as for gloves, i'll find some soon. don't worry about it.... i'll find some way of keeping the ol'.... fingies coooool.. or, warm, i mean, of course... while still being outdooors, out of doors, out of roofs. that is the goal. that, there, would be the goal........ otherwise, to live in a glass house and to cast stones, and always some window needing to be repaired... not a very good medium for building. we can't have all glass everything.
new music
x men white women
iiii like listening to music, and i love indie music. i love new music. i love finding new music. i love being inventive about it. i want to find shit. i want to FIND shit. i will go down mini rabbit holes on spotify to find a quality-looking artist and see what SHE has to say. it's enough music out there that we don't really need to listen to men, and same with white women, but sometimes i make exceptions cuz i really ultimately tend to love white women artists like unfortunately that might be the closest thing to my own experience or something is these words and experiences of white women you know but i recognize how indulgent it is and also counterproductive to the movement to platform white artists when there are non-white artists that are probably more deserving and more hardworking and perhaps a bit more suitable to the platform, shall we say? suitable to the platform....
me, i find it nice to comment primarily on domestic affairs. i don't really think it's for me to offer nuanced takes on the middle east. that is one thing which █████ ███ was absolutely correct about. it's not really my place, but girl, at a certain point... i wonder how brainswashed she still is... liiiiike girl, this is what we were saying all along, this is what we were saying, bruh.... but we did nothing, because what would there be to even do about it, breh? what would you even be able to do about it, for real? what would you be able to do about it, like genuinely, what??? genuinely, what would you be able to do about it. FAWK.
i think politicalnesss is really important. you gotta be political, and if it's scary, that's good, bruh. you gotta be willing to get arrested for the things you care about. you gotta be willing to have run-ins with the law about it.
but a fight with israel is not a fight i'd like to pick. it's really not. i think what we can do instead is arm the people with the words of their contemporaries and their ancestors. and see where that leads?!
appendix-ification
wwwwwwe need political liberation in order to have spiritual liberation. spiritual liberation will not be possible until there is political rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrretribution. until there is retribution, we are all complicit, and we are unable to become enlightened in a society that is not politically liberated. we are all unable to become enlightened in a world with this political inequality. with no political liberation for the massses, how will we have a spiritually advanced and evolved society?
evil
you can't just keep throwing christianity around... we need new concepts, new ideas, new takes on the old religions. cuz i think we don't gotta reinvent the wheel here. we can walk in the footstpes of the giants of the past. the people who found peaceful, meaningful lives: we can still follow them. that's why i don't give up on buddhism. we need SOME structure, or the risk is very real that meaning will collapse. what happens when meaning collapses? depression and suicide. i want to avoid suicide first and foremost.
so, the anthill is, in summary, a tool for political and spiritual liberation, as well as a tool for understanding, uhhh...... checks writing on hand.... race relations? no, i must be reading that incorrectly. it's smudged.
i just heard a car horn in the distance, honking... in the distance, though... the distance, though, the distance.
tomorrow