yesterday

okay, so like,

back outside... and do you feel how it feels? do you feel the pleasant, mysterious feelings yet? no, still toooooo early to tell. the sun iiiiiiiiiiis just about in its highest point in the sky now.... and it's not very high. we are rapidly losing time in the sun. do you feel that? the intttterestiiing thing is, the last two nights i've felt quite good. i felt good the night before last, if a little eeeeeerieeee, but i still felt good. i felt good last night as well. i truly believe that the missing ingredient is companionship.... i'm sick of this polite society stuff. straight and narrow. or, just straight. narrow feels mean. straight, and there is nothing wrong with that, but i have been bestowed the gift of queeerness, and i would hate to neglect it further... but i continue to neglect it. if i'm neglecting it right now, then it's because i like being alone, actually, very much. after i've been alone, then i really like not being alone, being around friends and family. i love my friends, and i love my family, and i love my friends and family. it could be so simple..... i could simply feeel the sun on my skin, and that can be what i'm doing and what i'm feeling. companions yesterday, barni's words echoed in my head.... "do it, and enjoy that shit." he's so right. yesterday, i had the keyboard turned off and was writing into the real, actual void. somehow it became more mememorable. i'm having an executive functioning day today. once i put this bowl into the dishwasher, i'm going to run the dishwasher. i have laundry in theeeeee laundry machine. do you remember last night, in the middle of the night, feeeling soooo itchy on my back, as if i had been bit by something somehow? but what bit me at that late hour of night? was it a mosquito? but how did it get inside? did they set up shop inside the house somehow? is that it? it's a nice day. we're getting to the point in the year when we can't take the nice days for granted. we're at the point in the year when every single, ummmmmmm, nice day is worth mentioning. it's not just a given thing. it's sunny, and there is literally not a single cloud——or even a wisp of a cloud——in the whole entire sky, as far as the eye can seee. we.... or, no, i guess there is ONE wisp. fuck lol. but that's cool. it's a little conglomeration. it looks like the cell body of a neuron. it looks almost like... i wanna say a mast cell, although i don't remember what those look like. it looks like the internal contents of something. it's disorganized, but it's in one little blob there............. it feels so good to listen to hot slob and look at the sky and feel the sun. this is what life is for and about. it is about these moments in the sun, and some bug.... oh, it's a grasshopper. grasshoppers have quickly become my favorite bug of the moment. of course, ants are family to me now——i have an unspoken, unconditional, extreme, overwhelming positive regard for those things——but grasshoppers... i have never appreciated them as much as i have in the last few weeks. feels good man dot jpg.... yes. it does feeel good, man. it feels like something else is wanting to happen. do youuuuuuuu feeeel that? it feels like something else wants to happen, so i'll let it happen! more clouds appear.... the wispy blob has disappeared, and in its place i see a jet flying across the sky, leaving behind a chemtrail..... POISONING US!!!!! poisoning us. i love families with that penchant for schizophrenia. i think the kardashians might be one, and my only evidence is how one of them that time said "what are they hiding from us" and that the chemtrails are changing us somehow.

and shit, man, who knows. maybe they are putting chemicals in the water that turn the frogs gay. and that is why i much prefer being here in the woods: because the scope of the natural world is such that i don't have to worry about "chemicals," because nature's air fresheners, these trees, the decomposers, all the other agents in the natural world..... they are toooooo abundant for any government to ever be able tooooooooooo chemically alter everything all at once. i trust the natural world. i put all my faith into it. i spend my time out here. do you feel that? also, new appreciation for daddy long legs is getting unlocked. i've noticed them so much more recently. it feels good to notice them. i love the appearance of them.... don't you? how they have those long legs, and how in the middle is their cell body, so to speak, and it's so textured and almost red. it's almost like a little wart or pimple, but more complex.... it contains the whole nervous system, presumably, so it's gotta have a lot of layers to it.... lots of layers to it, ,,, , lots of layers, lots of layers, indeed.... lots and lots of layers. it was great and awesome to hear from koen yesterday. i was so surprised to read her message, to see her in the inbox in the first place.... surprised and delighted, yes. that's oomf, for real. it's awesome that we can have an online community in the first place. at this point in my life, i love the internet so much. i find it really cool and chic to have such a community online, even if it's at the cost of some hypothetical, imagined real life thing. an intellectual commmunity, but also a cccccreative community, a yapping community.... the nature of human consicousness is that it's going to go ahead and keep going, regardless. there is always a new word at your disposal. you can always use another word. you can always use another word. there is always a next word that has come to mind.... it's arleady there. writing is an infinite process. writing is an infinite game.... it's infinite. you could be writing for as long as you have fingers and a brain with a motor cortex. it's all about that motor cortex, isn't it? it's funny.... you end up using things for purpsoes other than the intended ones.... yeah, i like that.

force it

you have to, sometimes, like right now. but it feels good. sometimes you force it because you know, deep down, even if you haven't had time to consider it consciously, that it's good for you, that it's the right thing. daliwali says most people are powerless, and he's right. most people are powerless.... but we're made to be that way, in various ways, all day, every day, every time we try to do something.... the layers of bureaucracy, the absolute layers, the subjection, the harnessing, the roping, the binding, the tying of us into one prrrrredetermined version of society. things work this way. we use cars, we sign leases, we go to bbbanks, we fill out w2s, other tax forms.... we get stupid-ass motherfucking jobs that we don't belieiieeveveeee in... not fully. not fully. not fully. i think it is a real..... unfortunate thing, the moral injury that you accumulate by participating in colonial society. this weatherman is so cocky. i hate his whole attitude. i hate this dude. he didn't seem to give a fuck, like, you're not that girl, babe.... sigh ugh. i hate the colonial world, but look at me, signing up for it once again..... i've signed up for it once again, and it pisses me offfffff... it pisses me offff, but it's like.... i guessss dropping out of society cold turkey at such a young age might be extremely dangerous lol. like, we can at leeeeeast wean ourselves off.... wean ourselves offf of the, ummmmm.... wean ourselves offf the soceity ,,, you know, just weannnn ourselves off. i think that's the goal. in a perfect world, i will not have to operate within a system, but like.... i CAN... ya know? no reason to be afraid, literally damn. it's crazy how you can literally get attacted to someone like a magnet. i shoulda said that thing about how it's giving...... how it's giving the dead wife thing.... the dead wife thing. ppl be switching up. ppl be switching up!!! this is just how it is. this is one of the things we face in life... but it's goood to be alive, and good to be in contact. there can be hundreds and even millions, infinite reasons for anything, for reallllll, for real.... infinite reasons for everything, all the time..... infinite reasons for everything, all the time...... yeah, bro, that's what it is.... dialectics means there are not only two ways of looking at something. there are always secret third things, and pretty much always, also, fourth, fifth, and so on things. there are n things. there are n things when it comes to stuff. when it comes to the layers in this life-onion, there are n layers. they go all the way down and all the way up. all the way down to microscopic,,, instantaneous decisions, ,,,,,, "decisions" made on miiicirrrooscoppiiiic levels...... by the way, when the fuck are we going to get an osmosis jones-style sitcom about sodium-potassium pumps? sodium-potassium puuuuuuummpss..... sodium-potassium pumps. can we talk about them???? the first thing that comes to mind is how very ubiquitous they are...... how very ubiquitous. the body found out they work soooooo well. i wonder if other speicies without the pumps wish they could look at our insides and do what we're doing.... but i guesssss, ummmmm....... will AI ever get to the point where it cannnn direct science experiements and createteteeeeee actual sodium-potassium pumps? would it work the same way??? how could we weeeeeeeeee exploit the same principles to make our own pump that creates energy? it's gotta be applicable on a bigger level. that's the nature of these things. cracking eggs to make an omelet...