1 once i fall back to sleeep everything is going to be okay.... once i fall back to sleep everything will be okay once i fall back asleep everything will be okay. once i fall back asleep everything will be okay. once i fall back to sleep everything will be okay once i fall back asleep everything will be okay once i fall back asleeep everything will be okay once i fall back asleep everything willl be okay once i fall back alseep everything will be okay once i fall back to sleep everything will be okay once i fall back to sleep everything will be okay once i fall back to sleep everything will be okay once i fall back to sleep everything..... because right now i'm statrting to believe in depression i'm starting to feel the symptoms and really feel them but i know i'm fine.... but do i.. once i fall back to sleeep everything will be okay.. everything will be okay once i fall back to sleep everything will be okay once i fall back asleep everything will be okay once i fall back to sleep everything will be okay.. visions of boiled dinner oh my god the dogs ███ and ███'s house where was i i'm going crazy genuinely i don't know where i got it in my head that i can seee no one for that long we are getting better at tolerating aloneness but i'm not willing to be a putterer i don't want to putter around no one can be fully honest with each other i'm fucked i've really done a number this time i think i know how people see me but they must see me in some other ways too i bet they must see me in certain other ways tooooo i'm not who they think i am everything will be okay once i fall back to sleep eeverything will b eokay once i fall back to sleeepppp everything will b eokay once i fall back asleeeep everything will be okay onnce i fall back asleep everythingwill beo kay once i fall back to sleep everything willl be okay ███ had to move boxes yesterday that was how he got off the phone i'm hopelessly boring yesterday it was hopelessly boring what i put myself through how do i do it how do i go on how can i survive i keeep eating meals i can have peanut butter and jelly when it's time for morning to start but nnnnnnnnow the sun has gone down but it hasn't come up yet i have slept but not fully i woke up went to the couch maybe i would sleeep better therereee. turn on tv show i'm watching i watch it a little then i want to sleep again go outside there are some stars visible. my life has become this i'm so boring i'm so boring nobody want me and stuff but i know how it all changes on a whim and also depending on attitude so i keep in mind like all you neeed is just one kick in the pants just one is all you need all you need iiiiis just one you only really neeed one you need one only all you need is one kick in the pants it'll remind you of certain things you have a complex brain it's wired in some complex ways but those wirings are still down there underneath the depression ones it's wired well for depression yes it knows how to do it it knows that it has to wake me up early in the morning it remembers it remembers quite well i remember first and second year of med schoool the depression i remember losing sleeep i remember beinnnnnnnnnnnnng in misery i remember it all i remember being there is this some eeeeeeeeee result of the portal closing is it some resuuult oooooooooo oooooof the jewish lunisolar calendar is it because of the sun and the moon is it a dark night of the soul is it nothing in particular just some sunday scaries but i don't have a job i don't have nowhere i neeed to go today nowhere at all nothing to it not at all nothing and nowhere tooooooj it could it be could it really be goooooooould it be could it be/ everything will be okay.. my head is itchy my hair is too long and in fact it's thinning anyway so when will we give it up no more hair time to be over and done with the hair give it up you have too much and it's still not enough you have too much and it's still not enough you have too much and you've seriously fumbled what is in your life you have fumbled it no one takes pity on you no one has compassion because you haven't set up the infrastructure relationally for them to know that you need support you haven't done a good job of putting your clawwwwws into people up here there is no one who really knows you up here but where are those people would you find me some people who really actually do know you who you haven't been hiding from all along there are no individuals from whom you have not hided from whom you have not hid there is no living soul who really knows you no one really knows you there is no one who knows you you're a hider you been hiding confided everything into a flower you've confided everything to yourself you haven't shared the burden with anyone else you haven't turned it to a laugh you haven't you haven't you haven't done it you haven't done anything you haven't seeen anyone in weeks you're an island why do you make yourself an island you seeeeeeeeeee what people can do when they are together and you stay alone you see how good it can be and you don't let it be you get it you understand hhhhhhow little it takes to live a meaningful life and you don't let it happpen you see it you have all the answers in front of you and you don't use them you don't obey the simple rules of the game you choose a different path you choose things that are not good for you you're doing things that are destructive you're imploding you're fucking it up you're still dealing with the parents leaving you've stilllllll.... you are stilll........ you are feeling alone there is a hurt there is a degree of hurtness you are hurt you are hurt there is hurt you read between the lines and you read destruction unhappiness horrors you seee hororrs no matter where you look you're documenting them and the world thanks you but it also doesn't give a fuck because everyone else can see it too we just know how to keep going we know how to take care of ourselves except not me, not me, i don't know, i don't know how to take care of myself, i don't know i don't know i don't know, not really, not really, how do i do it, really how do i do it how do i do it FUCK i don't want a job or nothing dude i just wanna cry but where is it where is the sadness where is it buried how deep is it and why does it take so much to bring it to the surface sneeze and sneeze where do i go looking for the lost soul inside of me whhhhhhhhhat the hell dude what the helllllllll my head is itchy my sinus fulllll i'm supine i'm lying herere in my deathbed i feeeeeeeeel it but death has never felt further away i still have life to live god dammit.... fuck dude it's not that simple i need infrastructure i neeed a dramatic change i neeed people i neeed to move to ███████ look how withholding the world has been and still one weeeeeeek it still will take one week what will i do in that week what will i do and where will i go and how will i continue how will i cope how do i seeeee the light how do i keep going fuck me in the butt dude is this one of those times where you'll feel betterrrrrrrrrrr right after you feeel the worst iiis it going to feel better in the morning or is it already the morning do i give up on more sleeeep or is this it, finally coming? do i give up or do i.. mental illness is real we can all see it we can all see it except the person it's happpening to everyone can see it and we take pity but we know there's nothing we can do we look and we see you having tantrums and everything becomes drama but i know that iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii everything will be better once i fall asleep once i fall asleep it will feeel better i feeel ache in my left leg it's time to do something else it's time to fix this shit it's time to go it's time to go into the world where do i go how do i find it where can i go where will it lead how can i keep going where can i go is there somewhere i can go to just be is there somewhere i can go be is there a place to go can i go somewhere can i go can i really go i'm so sick i'm sick in the head i have a head sickness i have a real serious head sickness right now i have a serious mental illness i can feeel its clutches and it's the type of thing where. it's the type of thing where. you can report it you can show up you can say hey i'm ready to do the job it's going to be suspicious we supsect youuuuuuuuuu we suspect you of wrongdoing i neeed people i know the missing ingredient is people i know i just need people i felt so alone when i was depressed depression makes me feel alone it makes me feel alone in a world where there are people who love me nobody would want me to feel this way yet i do.... yet i do. well i'm ready to sleep again and once i fall asleeeep everything willllll be better no that's a lot of pressure on it let's just say that if i fall asleeep i will be asleeep and if i stay awake i will be awake it's that simple and there is nothing more complicated about it, no lines to read betweeen, no nothing, no complications, everything is actually quite simple ant, it is the middle of the night you're having trouble sleeping and that can be the end of it. you had a really lonely day yesterday and you went to bed early and then you woke up early and you're trying diffferent methods to help yourself fall back asleeep because isn't sleeeeeeeeeeep a bit of mercy in all this? and if i would let myself dream perhaps we wouldn't have landed here perhaps if i would let myself dream if i would talk to people where are they where are my people where my people at where are they i've lost them i have lost a lot of friends ███████ i've lost her she don't give a fuck about me i consider the friendship to be over the friendship is over depression took that one from me tooo it took it all it makes me isolate while looking healthy it makes me seeem how exactly i do not know i don't know how to help others i could be the one with a life preserver and throw it to ██ ███ but i never did and no one willl do it for me either it's a cruel alone lonely world why do we do this why do we do it really why actually really truthfully genuinely why why are we doing it why why why why are we doooooing it why do we do this why do i do it where do i go i feeeeeellll it alll i want to sleep because if i sleeep i will be asleeeep sleep