i’m writing from the comfort of my own driver’s seat again. i don't know what this day will bring, but i am reassured by the bits of blue that have just started peeking through the sky.
i imagine the weather will be nicer in virginia, which is my destination for today and is also apparently for lovers. Not apparently. Allegedly was the correct word there. Need to start working on my precision if I ever want to be a great writer.
lowkey i’m unbelievably horny right now. Which reminds me of how I was really visualizing and maybe even dreaming about sitting on [rdct]’s dick this morning. I was really imagining
on that shit, and it felt so fucking good. If I were to tell him that he might cum in his pants instantly. As if I’m one to talk, sporting a boner through short shorts careening down a southbound highway.
I realized that I need, uhh.... Well, to be blunt, I have to stop yammering on about nothing all day. It was getting sort of ugly to just be writing those streams of consciousness that never really went anywhere. writing for writing’s sake. Like, what if you don’t need to say anything at all? and what if your saying nothing is supposed to indicate to you that you need to be getting out there and doing some real shit? Luckily, what I’m doing now feels like it qualifies as real. I’m on the highway, which I avoided intentionally yesterday so that I could maximize my chances at something magical happening, but today I’m feeling more business.
I don’t know if it was all the mosquito bites or
from the rain or my parents seeming to take issue with the fact that I ended up somewhere only three hours from home last night, but I’m feeling compelled to just lock in to the driving today. just fucking send it. Get out of the state. go somewhere different. Figure it out from there.
I wonder if I could start doing a beach camping sort of thing, as long as I’m going to be near the coast. I imagine a becah will have fewer mosquitos. but it will also have fewer trees, which means fewer opportunities for setting up my hammock.
I’m not willing to give up on the hammock yet. I think it’s the perfect bed for me. As long as I don’t have the damn mosquitos in my ear trying desperately to break through and feast on my blood.
The way I see it, then, all I really need to do is find a place where there are no mosquitos but where there are opportunities for me to set up my hammock. I’m not sure yet if such a place exists. i don’t know if there are campsites near becahes where it’s a little more welcoming to hammockers like me. I’m sure I could ask the robot this question and find a solution.
and this is exactly why I am not rushing into a discussion about where and how I will sleep tonight: because
and I won’t be going to bed for another twelve hours, at least. We don’t know what’s going to happen in those twelve hours. I might get into a devastating car wreck that will take away the need for me to sleep tonight. And then, if I die in a car wreck while thinking about where and how to sleep tonight, won’t that be the biggest irony of all? That’s why it’s best to always be in a position where you wouldn’t mind death catching you.
And there is a big difference between death and samsara, I think. Or maybe there’s not. because nondualism and shit. Maybe the truth is that it’s all the same, and that life will never really seem to end.... though the words “never” and “end” in that sentence have a certain
that makes me think they won't help me get closer to the truth. it’s like the coke bottle screwed into the light bulb socket: just because you fit in doesn’t mean you belong. I think that applies to many things.
Mom texted me that it might be wise to have benadryl gel and pills on me for the itch of the bites. Yeah, mom, wow, what a profound idea that I never would’ve thought of. As if. I thought of that last night. And the truth is it doesn’t matter. Once the bite happens, that’s all I can do. Er, I mean, it’s already over, and I can handle the itch. It’s not the itchiness that bothers me, although that’s not true, it bothers me a lot. It’s the..... hm, what is it? I guess it is the itchiness. But it’s not the kind of thing that I want to treat. I figure once the bite is there, applying some kind of topical solution to it to make the itch go away is pussy shit. Pussy shit being the phrase I use for lack of a better one. It’s not really what I truly mean. It’s like........ the issue I’m dealing with is one of prevention and one of “is it really impossible to go out into the world and sleep without having to destroy something?”
Do you think it’s possible? I’m sure it’s possible, actually, because I’m sure the indigenous people found a way to make it happen. They were living harmoniously as fuck, I’m sure. But how did they deal with mosquitos? How did they do it? I guess if they had houses or houselike buildings...... something to physically keep the mosquitos out... some kind of den.
And there are also plenty of animals who live in the woods who must have evolved ways of avoiding the mosquito bites. What do the woodland creatuers do? Do they also use a physical barrier? a den?
Maybe my mistake was thinking a human invention could save me. A human invention could protect me from mosquitos while I attempt to sleep in their home. No, it’s going to take something different. And for whatever reason, I’m not interested in buying the bug spray that people use to spray their hammocks with before sleeping in them. That feels like cheating or something. Not really that innovative. I don’t think it’s the right thing to do. Using chemical warfare feels a little intense. I don’t think that’s my MO. Physical defense is way different than chemical offense. Or even chemical defense.
But then we’ve slipped back into the trap of dualism. It’s all interconnected, and this is something I was grasping last night. What the difference beween the physical barrier and chemical barrier would be. With the physical barrier, I’m allowing the mosquitos to slip into delusion. Delusion that I might come out of the nest soon, or that they can find a way to poke me through it. I watched a mosquito stick its nose through
at the top of the net last night. that is delusion. And that is the consequence of using the physical barrier I bought.
If I were to use a chemical barrier, then it’s like..... I imagined it turning the mosquitos away, showing them that this is not a good target, this is not nutritious blood, this is, for one reason or another, not worth it to even pursue. And that would be a differnet kind of delusion, don’t you think? To convince the mosquitos that they don’t or shouldn’t want to come get my blood from me. And to send them off in some other direction, possibly changing how they see the particular little nook where I had set up the hammock.
Yes, by the way,
I do feel like the exploration of how barriers between humans and mosquitos lead to delusions in both humans and mosquitos is worth considering.
Which brings me to the delusions that last night inspired in me. One, that there is any way to live in the woods that doesn’t involve getting bitten by mosquitos. Two, that destruction in some form is necessary for living among other creatures. I’m sure the other delusions are harder for me to name right now. I’ll give it some time.