i'm freaking the fuck out a little bit, dude. I can't even lie. My heart won't let me. My legs won't let me. All the mosquito bites won't let me. The mosquito I just killed won't let me. All this shit. It's too much. How the fuck does anyone live like this. I'm gonna get fucking malaria. This might be the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I got the fucking big shield and thought I was invincible. I thought since I could handle the mosquitos who live by my house I could handle the ones that live in central [state]. I guess I was fucking wrong, because I feel like I'm fucking dying.
Is it really worth all this? What am I even trying to do, again? And can I do it without having a nervous breakdown?
I'm so fucking spoiled, bro. Less than an hour in a wilderness that I don't know and I'm already throwing an
over not being welcomed in like a king. But they're still biting me through the FUCKING bug net. Holy shit, dude. I honestly can't help but admire them for how advanced they are. Like, holy shit, they're literally banging down my door. They know I'm in here. They know I'm the belle of the ball. But now I've added an additional layer between me and them. They can't get me now. So I win for now. Or, I guess they still win. And I retreat into my industrial cocoon to lick my wounds.
Once again, mosquitos are proving to be the world’s greatest fucking
And you know what, I'm glad my blood is going to support the next generation. This is the best way of getting my genes out there, you know. Just hope some of my DNA busts through the mosquito somehow while its babies are growing out of it or whatever. I guess we're all borrowing the same materials in different formulations anyway. And I guess there would be some similar destruction wrought if I were to stay in a hotel this evening. All the discomfort that I feel in my skin right now would probably just be being felt by my social amygdala or some stupid neuropsychological bullshit like that.
In either case, the enlightenment is equally poorly executed. Right now is when i have the advantage, after having made an uneasy peace with my environment: I no longer have the bandwidth for any conflict with myself nor anyone, and I am literally being held up by trees while my blood holds up the next generation of mosquitos while the next generation of mosquitos holds up........
I wonder how far that goes, or whether it reaches a circle at some point.
Anyway, the point is that right now I have the advantage of having
And that's where we remember that what I'm doing is actually an incredibly enlightened and evolved thing, compared to how i was living my life before. Day in, day out under the watchful eyes of my parents. And even when I wasn't with them, I was enveloped in a sort of bourgeoisie cloud of expensive perfume (or the Dove body soap and conditioner at the hotel) that required a certain violence on my part, with no awareness of the trade-off. In my current arrangement, I'm very well aware of the various trade-offs at play. I am using a mechanical shield sold to me by a corporation (though it's REI, which I guess is technically—no, let's not try explaining why a corporation is actually woke) but gave up a (relative) lot of blood, literally, which will be used to create new life. So I feel like today has been a net constructive day.
And now all I need to do is wait until sundown when the mosquitos give up. Until then, excuse me while I watch them.