prescript • final rounds, here’s the
lineup: one med student,
preround one nutritionist, five residents,
fellow + attending. four WOWs.
10 beverages on WOWs. 17
babies to see. one down, one
in progress, 15 to go. two
more for me to present until
I never do it again.
• just presented my first patient.
there was hope that she could
go home today, just like me, but
she’s losing too much weight and
now we’re “back to the drawing
board” per the fellow
• intralipid contains lineolic acids,
the ‘essential’ ones, but this
can be bad if ur on it too
long cuz it can cause TPN cholestasis
- on intralipid for 2 weeks →
switch to SMOF
- risk then becomes lack of essential
amino acids
- the research on this stuff is
funded by the companies that
make the formula… smdh
• 10 patients left. just talked to
baby’s mom on the phone for like
8 minutes which is the classic
average for us, has been all
month. weird kind of prideful
feeling of being able to talk
at length about someone’s
health and weight gain
with their own mother. but
now that baby I’ve been
following all along is about to
be no longer my responsibility…
these residents better not drop
the ball, but if they do,
I guess hate the game and
the ball and the pressure to
carry the ball, not the ball
handler. not the player.
but I can at least silently
resent the player, too. try
not to I guess.
• just nearly barfed.
“little [tumor baby]-y was a little
naughty overnight.” SHUT THE
FUCK UP with your patronizing
white womanness... this baby is
SUFFERING!! he’s not NAUGHTY!
- last rounds on tumor baby and I
gave it a good college try. as
we were abt to move on I asked if
the team thought it would be good
to have a family meeting to make
sure we’re not just dragging parents
into the manmade horrors. it
started a few side discussions
with addtl points from the nurses
about everyday things like when
to weight him. but the
bottom line is attending +
fellow think family is well
engaged by multiple teams
and still wants to “do
everything.” X---- gave me a
high five as we were leaving
and said 'good job ---.' so
I said my peace. I can
move on from this feeling of
responsibility/bystandering
now. but this baby will be
stuck in my head for a
bit, I think.
• 7 babies left. countdown is
really on. I wonder what this
afternoon will bring. residents
wanna do something special
for lunch to celebrate my last
day. maybe they’ll let me
leave early
• “5q9” everyone just implicitly
understands what something
like this means. even I
know: add 5cc to his feeds
every 9 hours. I’ve come so far (?)
- 5q9 as like its own complete
sentence. this place defies
linguistics
• I now also know feed advance
vs weight adjust. soooo far bro
we came sooo far.
• “he’s a miserable stick”
• L----- pissed me off cuz
he really tried correcting me
and interrupted me with some
bullshit. I said baby had no
stool overnight and he said
“one stool” girl no I said
OVERNIGHT there was no stool
OVERNIGHT also even if you were
correct it’s literally not relevant
or part of our discussion so
shut the fuck up?? omg this
behavior from a 2nd year resident
is so childish
• anyway that was my last
presentation and I was able to
metabolize the interruption
quickly enough to finish the
presentation succinctly +
successfully. also I like
L----- let me be clear but
girl fuck off with your corrections
- I guess the point is baby had one
stool yesterday and I should’ve
said one stool yesterday rather than
no stools overnight but still. stfu.
- ofc keeping ego out of it before
it’s even in and I would never
allow my 3D self to show the
anger I’m expressing here. I
said thank you after he
interrupted me so we could stay
in flow + not SLOW DOWN ROUNDS
ahem ahem I like
efficiency perhaps more than
SOME PEOPLE.
• last parent I’ll ever round
on in this place was WWS
baby.... mom has softened
in my eyes. I see her much
more as a human than just
white woman now... and the
baby is finally going home soon.
as with the other babies, I
will not see the conclusion, will
have to find closure some other
way. but closure is just a
word anyway.
• naming my daughter meconium
• this is the last thing I’ll
write in here. the residents got
me cake and ice cream from the
cafeteria and we ate it while
receiving a lecture on hypoglycemia.
this is the life, hold on tight...
shoutout to everybody I had
fun experiencing the horrors
postscript