Last day. Last day it’s the last day. I’m here, and when i walked in, L▒▒▒▒▒ said, 'you actually came,' which, seconds later i realized was of course in reference to my saying last week that i might skip monday and tuesday altogether, but which in the moment i interpreted as 'you're late,' so i just replied 'i know, i’m so late,' and then N▒▒▒▒▒ was like 'no, you’re fine' or something, and that’s when i realized. So i was fully projecting.

Anyway, i check the chart for one of the babies i'm following and see that it says he’s able to take ▒▒▒. Bitch, no, that’s not what i said. That’s not at all what i said. I said ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒. If this baby got any ▒▒▒, there will be hell to pay. And we’ll have to tell his fucking mom that we need to.... Ugh. that sucks.

Just received signout on the baby i’ve been following all along.

the reality comes crashing down::: i do care. After today we won’t even have any control over this environment anymore. Nothing to say about t████ b███, nothing to say about ostomy outputs, or CPAPs,,, or breathing on room air, or anything of the sort.

I already do feel somewhat checked out. I’m already done with this. I’m not even prepared to go into rounds today. I’m not prepared to do it. I’m tired. I’m so tired of this shit. I’m ready to be done, i’m actually really ready to be done. There were a lot of moments that were beautiful and i enjoyed and whatnot, but now it’s all over. I’m done with the enjoyment.

I once had sight and now i’m blind. Now i’m fucking blind!!! Where could my glasses actually be, bro? I have no fucking clue where they could even be. Maybe they’re just lost forever and now i’m an unseeing kind of bitch... but no, i can’t accept that. They must be somewhere really stupid. Somewhere in my own apartment. Who knows. Maybe they’re in my fucking pants pocket or some shit like that? I don’t know, though. They could really be anywhere, in any number of places. I guess i should've checked my shirt and pants from yesterday. It could be in there... i guess i won’t know for another twelve hours here. Goddammmit.. Whatever, it’s fine.

i’m going to keep hitting the ground and running. The ground is going to be pummeled in on itself by me. And tomorrow is when it gets really interesting. Tomorrow it gets actually really interesting.