Last day. Last day it’s the last day. I’m here, and when i walked in, L----- said, 'you actually came,' which, seconds later i realized was of course in reference to my saying last week that i might skip monday and tuesday altogether, but which in the moment i interpreted as 'you're late,' so i just replied 'i know, i’m so late,' and then N---- was like 'no, you’re fine' or something, and that’s when i realized. So i was fully projecting.

Anyway, i check the chart for one of the babies i'm following and see that it says he’s able to take donor breast milk. Bitch, no, that’s not what i said. That’s not at all what i said. I said formula. If this baby got any donor breast milk, there will be hell to pay. And we’ll have to tell his fucking mom that we need to.... Ugh. that sucks. I recall A-- saying that N---- is funny but lowkey not good at her job.

i’ll have to address that right away today. We need to get that off the fucking orders and pray that the baby did not run out of EBM last night. Please just pray for it. I don’t want to be partially responsible for this problem happening, but i know already that i don’t claim responsibility for it. I know i don’t responsible... i know...... i know..... I know i know i know.... I know i know i know.

I just checked the uhh.... I just checked N----’s computer and said tahat that thath athat hat S----- had a message saying that, uhhhh, that...... saying that she fell asleep on the train and ended up in [neighborhood].... Uhhhh, yeah.

Just received signout on the baby i’ve been following all along. Can you believe last week part of what was convincing me to maybe not come into work this week was that my two babies were going to be discharged by now and i wouldn’t have anyone else to follow? That was funny. Good thing these fuckers are never seemingly going to get discharged, at least discharged before i am discharged. Alas. what you gonna do. I really do have to remember this point about breast milk. How could you do it, N----. This is not good. It’s not good for this child. It’s going to violate trust. It'll violate the trust and make the mother freak out if he’s received any doses of donor breast milk. Oh god, this is a huge problem. Fuck my life lol.

But of course, i don’t actually... well, no, i do care. That’s the reality coming crashing down right now:;:: i do fucking acare. Ugh. Whatever .. it’s the last day. After today we won’t even have any control over this environment anymore. Nothing to say about the tumor baby, nothing to say about ostomy outputs, or CPAPs,,, or breathing on room air, or anything of the sort.

I already do feel somewhat checked out. I’m already done with this. I’m not even prepared to go into rounds today. I’m not prepared to do it. I’m tired. I’m so tired of this shit. I’m ready to be done, i’m actually really ready to be done. There were a lot of moments that were beautiful and shit and i enjoyed and whatnot, but now it’s all over. I’m done with the enjoyment.

I once had sight and now i’m blind. Now i’m fucking blind!!! Where could my glasses actually be, bro? I have no fucking clue where they could even be. Maybe they’re just lost forever and now i’m an unseeing kind of bitch... but no, i can’t accept that. They must be somewhere really stupid. Somewhere in my own apartment. Who knows. Maybe they’re in my fucking pants pocket or some shit like that? I don’t know, though. They could really be anywhere, in any number of places. I guess i should've checked my shirt and pants from yesterday. It could be in there... i guess i won’t know for another twelve hours here. Goddammmit.. Whatever, it’s fine.

Tomorrow starts the new rotation, and i’m going to keep hitting the ground and running. The ground is going to be pummeled in on itself by me. And tomorrow is when it gets really interesting. Tomorrow it gets actually really interesting.