Okay, so i’m a little activated right now,
type shit, because i spoke to the hot male nurse for the first time, and it was just peripheral, but it was still the first time we ever interacted, and i got to demonstrate that i was into him in this like extremely subtle way that i do... and then he like.... He uhhh.... He came up to me again with the other patient and made his presence known... so if we’re operating in the land of subtlety and delusions.... i think we’re kind of in love already. Can we just go ahead and fall in love already? He’s so fucking hot and shit..... He’s so hot....... Goddammit, dude. I’ll find love sometime. At some point, someday. It would be nice to get married to a nick you nurse. That would be cute. But yeah......
Anyway, back to the clinical shit i guess? Ugh. he has tattoos and he’s so big and muscular and he has a hot voice and everything about him is just hot.
I think if anything, at the very least, this can be proof that it is possible for me to feel attracted to someone in that kind of way...
So yeah, i guess it’s good my libido is still functioning. That shit is highly functional. i’d love to go on a date with this man, for example, but i don’t know if it’s going to happen.
It was him and X-- taking care of this five month old
with ---------, and she was like.... This baby is going to be, uhhh..... Have a long run of things, and it’ll be the pulmonary ------ -------- that kills him—that’s what the hot nurse (i think his name is N---) said. He said that in the midst of taking all this care for him, the baby will probably die of pulmonary ------ --------. Not sure what happened with him, but he’s in the same wing as tumor baby, and i brought that up to X-- as well. I was like 'i think it’s very fucked up, what do you think, and do you like taking care of him?' Cuz she had mentioned she likes 'chronic babies.' And tumor baby is definitionally chronic, methinks. So i asked her, and she said 'yes, indeed, it is fucked up,' but she tries to have empathy and let the empathy replace her anger and annoyance. Her annoyance she thinks might possibly be a coping mechanism... cope with a horrible, gut-wrenching situation by getting annoyed and grossed out by this baby and his secretions and his fussiness.... That makes perfect sense to me. A perfect defense mechanism....
But she, uhhh, where am i even going... i just remembered she said that the next med student, if there is one, isn’t going to be as cool as me—and open. That’s an interesting word and certainly true. I have been very open with her, and that’s what’s given us this very strong relaionthsip from the jump. So fun and cool to get to know her, i just really like her.
She said it was 'ghetto' that i would have to go to school for three more years to become a -------, and then the hot nurse was like 'what’s ghetto?' And then i had to reply cuz X-- suddenly went quiet, and i said going to school for three years to become a -------, and hot nurse was like 'is that ghetto? Isn’t it good to educate the people who are going to be out with the masses?' And i was like 'u know what, yeah, good point.' But the point is—and this is what i would tell him on our date—that, uhhhhh, i don’t want to be the person who does that, i guess. But shit, yeah, i guess, uhhh, we were talking about the baby.
With the baby, she said she can’t help but
and i was like 'oh, are you sure though, because i don’t know how much the parents can really even know....' X-- was like 'if i were the parent, i wouldn’t allow this to continue,' but shit, man. That’s coming from a nurse who speaks english and knows what’s going on and stuff... but the mom speaks only ------, so she could only be up to speed when the situation directly calls for an interpreter and shit... though i suppose she does have enough visual information to make the decision that this is not an approroaite life for the baby.... And the team might be adjusting how we tell mom about the baby in order to make her see we’re doing a good job and shit... but a goals of care discussion would frankly be in order, i think....... Maybe i can talk to X-- and stuff and be like 'maybe we should push for a goals of care discussion cuz this shit is fucked up.'
Anyway, yeah, it was my final prerounds today and probably the best one yet in terms of queening out and finally meeting the hot nurse, but not introducing ourselves, kind of skipping ahead to the part where we’re on speaking terms and can talk to each other about these damn babies. Do you think he’s into me at all? I hope so, but that ring on his finger gives me pause. Idk man, maybe it’s a red herring and he wears it to throw other
off his trail. But he’s just so fine.
L------ just took over the seat i was at because i invited her to do so. She did it and now i’m back to my standing desk, this bunkbed. Remember earlier this week or last week when O--- was like 'oh, it’s like a standing desk,' and that was a moment when i really felt seen. Miss that. No i don’t, lol. That’s not something i really quite miss. It’ll be good.
Ugh, man, that whole prerounds, i’m already nostalgic for it. I want the man.... I want him, but then the desire being root of all suffering comes into play here because we see that he has a goddamn ring on and stuff....
I wish he would take the damn ring off. I wish X-- would set us up somehow. I need to tell her 'bro, that guy is fucking hot, what do i do about it, is he really married... him and his ---- ---- shirt and shit... so hot, but it’s fine. I’m sure it’s not meant to be. I'm okay with it, god, and universe. I’m okay. See how i’ve gotten to this point in life where i have a desire and then i let it extinguish itself. It’s a kind of learned helplessness thing, maybe, and it's a sign that i need serious emotional work to be done if i want to be in a relationship, but then i’m like 'oh, do i even want to be in a relationship or do i not?' Idk. i’m not sure.
I know i had that dream last night where it was me and [ex] and i was so fucking over it. The funny thing about the dream is that after he had filled in that stupid ass AI tiktok thing, and it showed me that he was really familiar with it based on how fast he was typing answers and how quickly it would switch to the next question... the funny thing is that at the end he just kept scrolling, and i got somehow momentarily hypnotized by the following tiktoks, and then i snapped out of it a few tiktoks in and was like 'wait, but what about the results of that fuckass quiz thing you filled out?' And that’s the last thing i remember from the dream. Must’ve snapped me out of something there. But it's true to something. He would really be so fucking adhd.
T-- and O--- making these little musings about how it’s going to be a great day today,
I forgot about woot woot. i forgot that was a thing we used to say. This is the thing about being around millennials. They say things like woot woot. God bless 'em. Shoutout to all the millennials out there and the ones in this room.