We are still here in the on-call room with an hour until our next thing. We will receive—

L----- telling me she tried the flavored water and didn’t like it. She tried the lime flavor, which i had also tried, and she said she didn’t like it. I had to agree. Because, simply put, it was giving me reflux and it was too acidic. It was way too acidic for me. I hated it.

How is psych, O--- asked this resident. She said it’s nice to be doing psych. She said i can’t wait for you to be my senior. So weird, the, uhhh, dynamics and vibes. This is so weird how these people talk to each other. I’m over it. Done with it and done with it.

The psych resident... i think she must have lived with Y------ in the past, because her face is ringing a bell and she...... she just came in, and i looked at her and said hello and stuff, and now she’s gone, but i swear i knew her. I swore i knew her...........

S----- asked if that was psych, 'yes,' she said dammit. She wanted to ask her a question, evidently. She said she couldn’t tell if it was an attending or a med student, but she said it was an adult neuro resident, 'yes.' Yes yes yes.

T--’s next door neighbor is a psych resident. Great. I’m over these kinds of conversations. He has a boyfriend, T-- said. Oh wow, that’s interetsitng. He's a gay resident. That’s always fun, when people are gay.

God dammit, dude, i just remembered my encounter this morning with the extremely hot, errrrmmmmm, the extremely hot nurse. Fuck my life that we didn’t get to know him and we don’t get to fuck. Cuz with him it’s like i absolutely would let him fuck on the first date. I would let it happen for sure. Sorry. We worked in the same place, so he’s about as vetted as i need at this point my life.

But desire as root of suffering is, of course, still true, and it allows me to leave these topics behind and not pick them back up. Because as good as it does feel to yearn and lust after people, it’s ultimately a harmful practice, so i’ll go ahead and avoid it. With that said, though, i can go ahead and check the desktop version of tinder on the off chance i got any matches. Doubtful, but we’ll see about it, i guess. Fuck.

I just did this whole mini pilgrimage to the family room to see if there was more service there so i could get a text to my phone telling me how to sign into tinder on my desktop, but i don’t have any fuckin service in there, either, so okay, universe, message received, you don't want me to have too much desire. I’m over it...... uhhhhhhh, weird. They’re acting weird about this attending who is now walking into the attending on-call room. It’s an incredibly awkward situation. Doctors are so fuckin weird, bruh. i’m excited to nonononnoooo longer associate so closely with them.

Granted, it’ll be fun to have these friends that i’ve made in med school and have friends who are doctors, but they’ll always be my weirdest friends, methinks.

I’m not sure what realm of life i’ll be in next. What will be the next realm, the next place in which i learn things about the world through the people i love? I’m curious. What will it be? Will it be back in [hometown], or will it just be in the psych universe? Or will it be in the theater world.... I’m not sure. I’m still not really part of anything in particular. I’mn not part of academia anymore, i’m not part of medical world, i’m not part of the art world, i’m not part of the gay world—not fully, anyway—and also not part of really any other world including the [state] world or the uhhh [hometown] world. I’m a sort of exile or hermit or nomad within all of these worlds, never staying long in any of the worlds. But i’m still loving life, of course.

This is something that i’ve always done, though. I’ve never been in one solid, stable friend group. I’ve always kind of bounced around between groups of people. I would hang out with the weirdos and i would sometimes hang out with the populars, and i would hang out with band kids and chorus kids and theater kids and occasionally athletes—but that’s the one group that i’m not so fluent in. Especially not in college. I was never really friends with the athletes. I’ve primarily been friends with the weird people.

O-- said 'we’re about to RTL, everyone.' It took me a sec to connect that with 'run the list.' That’s what it means. Of course that’s what it means.

Does anyone have an extra... steal my pen, did you steal my pen, no, this is my pen, i have this pen and this is mine.... Adult neurology residency...... directors......

All of the sights and sounds of this place will soon be left behind. This is the final afternoon in this fucking place, and i’m quite pleased about that fact.

I can’t quite believe it, though. Can you believe it?