it’s funny how you can have an amazing day with many life-giving and dare i say successful interactions, but it’s those two interaction that could have gone better that you anchor on and allow yourself to get bogged down by.
in this case, it was with a▒▒▒. it was honestly amazing to see her. i love that queen. it was a nice conversation. she was talking about how she got some time away from med school, and i inadvertently found myself asking questions in a way that felt a little more sympathetic and like i had some a priori knowledge than i should have let on or something? and then the conversation got cut short by us walking into the building, and there was s▒▒▒▒ right behind me, and i was saying something like
as i was walking in, and i made direct eye contact with him and didn’t say hi to him, and it was sort of cringe of me, you know what i mean? i feel like there is some way of handling myself around him that is just… i hold myself in a rather awkward manner, and it’s a little bit unfortunate.
the double but all of this on the heels of many other successful interactions. i was really queening out with b▒▒▒. he’s read the double. i’ve never met anyone who’s actually read the fucking double, bruh. never met anyone who has, but he has, and we talked about it, and then leading a session at interprofessional education day, never would’ve thought i would end up being in a teacher role at this fucking school. that’s kinda wild to me... but here we are. to have r▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ bragging on my behalf was interesting... it was kind of a cool feeling, and it was fun and cool and all that...
i’m
gotta take off this big ass sweatshirt.
anyway, yeah, just, like... i feel it inside of me, this kind of dysregulated feeling. i sorta feel bad for slighting s▒▒▒▒ in that way, and if i do see him in the future i would take the opportunity to be like, “heyyyy, i do remember you,” and stuff... i’m just like.... i should’ve just been like, “oh, hey, s▒▒▒▒. i do remember your name, friend, even though i only met you that one time in the nicu. I do actually remember you, and i see you around campus often, and you’re doing your thing…” that’s something like what i would tell the man.
remember? and a▒▒▒, i was really happy to see her. she looked great. she had this amazing floral jacket on. she told me, “as long as you’re happy—and you look happy.”
the whole thing with interprofessional education day, i think, is overstimulation. i’m feeling somewhat overstimulated right now in this moment. what better thing to do when one is feeling overstimulated but stand here in the library and write about your feelings and listen to some fucking ryoji ikeda and handle it? i’lll do some deep breathing as well. man, this song really does hit. it’s the one where the sound comes in like a wave, and it feels almost like cicadas, almost like crickets chirping. there was a funny moment in that session earlier. r▒▒▒ had asked the room a question, and nobody said anything, and at the same time, her phone went off with crickets chirping as theeee, ummmm... ringtone…
damn, bro, i just got that recollection of the s▒▒▒▒ encounter, and i can’t help but feel.... i just feel cringe. i cringe at myself for the way i handled it. i really looked him right in the eyes, and i was swept away. if i were to see the man now, i would simply be like, “hey bro... sorry bro... hey bro, sorry bro.” that’s probably what i would say:
... and also you’re really cute.”
chat, what do you do when you have these micro slights during your day? do you go out of your way to try to correct them, or do you just accept that to err is to be human, and at least you’re in contact, and that’s a very good place to start, and you have more interactions throughout the day, and you have lunch with e▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ and g▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ and g▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ and her friend t▒▒▒▒ the neuroscientist, and b▒▒▒ and a▒▒▒▒ were there as well?
chicken genetics at one point the conversation turned to me being at the georgia poultry federation, and i was talking about the genetic code for the chickens and how the dude there was sort of like, “well, the free market is controlling it, and people gotta eat” and stuff.
r▒▒▒ was really gassing me up. she called my play
that shit is so funny. she said it was like inhaling dante’s inferno, death being personified in actors and systems and stuff... she really saw a lot in that thing, which i have to appreciate. she was very attentive to it, and she really saw it in a way that i don’t think anyone else really saw it. so there’s that. i feel like she always holds eye contact with me for a little longer than you’d expect, as if she’s.... i don’t know, as if.... i don’t know what it is that she’s doing there when she looks at me for so long.
is there something else i could be doing right now? yes, of course there is. there’s always something else one could be doing at all times...
there’s this dude with fucking huge arms, and he’s always here. that’s the thing about this library is that there’s a cast of characters who is just like always fucking here, you know? they’re truly always here, always, always here... and that’s the thing, that’s just the thing... that right there is the thing. that is the thing.
oh my god, dude, i saw e▒▒▒ downstairs, and she was like, “are you here for interprofessional education day?” and i was like, “yes girl of course i am,” and she introduced me to her friends and was like, “this is ant, he’s great, pride and prejudice, blah blah,” and i was like, “no, y’all gotta see e▒▒▒, she’s amazing, the accent is on point, and she commands the stage,” and stuff like that, and she was like, “yeah, see you at rehearsal,” and stuff. man, this is a really, really interprofessional day, and honestly i’ve really enjoyed it.
for now it’s like what is there to work on, really, and the answer to that is nothing...
oh man, yeah, i was gonna talk about e▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒. it’s his birthday, and we got lunch with him, and isn’t it something like an honor when you’re with someone on their birthday and you’re all hanging out? anyway, i saw him going into the bathroom after i had filled my water bottle, and i couldn’t help but give him this big smile, and.... i even feel the smile coming back to me now, because it was a smile of... and i got him to smile back, and we really get each other in this really freaky way. like, he said this joke about how ussr women are basically white men, and i was the only one who really got it and laughed. i actually do find him pretty funny and stuff.... and ... uhmmmm.... yeah, after i saw him in the bathroom vestibule and realized how much he had made me smile just by being there, i was like, damn, i would let him rock my shit. unfortunately if he ever wanted to, i would let him, uhhh... yeah, kinda just like do whatever he wanted. i would probably ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ and i would give it my all, and i would ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒ as well, probably... and of course all of this is hypothetical, and...
damn, dude, i’m so fucking horny all the time. what’s someone like me to do with all this
don't do it is there anything for it? honestly, truly, is there anything for all this horniness that i harbor?? is there anything, really, anything?? i can’t think of anything. i could double text that dude on hinge, but that’s humiliating and probably wouldn’t get me anywhere anyway. I could also... shit, man, really, though, what is there to do? what is there to do, you know what i mean??? put myself out there more? i’m better in theses spaces where it’s like at least there’s some kind of precedent, where my reputation can precede me somewhat, like in that room with r▒▒▒. i do way better in those situations where i’m coherent to someone, even if they don’t know the half of it, and if they were to get to know me a little better, i would become even more incoherent to them as the time would go on... but still, yeah... huh.
it’s like, yeah, actually, being understood is really important... and it makes one feel better, and it makes one feel more confident and that confidence would lend itself to sexiness, and it’s a fun feeling to feel sexy, isn’t it, and i’m sort of maybe going to lose that when i move on to whatever there is outside of this institution which seems to attract hot people as a prerequisite for getting accepted. yeah. i’ll keep figuring it out. but for now, the anthill needs some love. i can just tell. see ya.