i’m so fucking lonely. i feel so lonely today. the hinge of it all is not helping. i really got attached to that dude. all he had to do was accept my advance, and then i got caught in the trap of it all. i got caught, and now i’m pining, and i’m lonely as fuck. i’m so fuckckckkkingggg lonely, and what is even the way out of it? is there a way out? is this just... is this just desire being the root of suffering? i think it’s probably that... but it’s also that i got so much love, bro, so much love, and nowhere to give it to. and no weed to keep me company at the end of the day anymore... noting like that... i’m just empty.... i got nothing going on with me... i got no man, i got no nothing.

i neeeeeeeeeeedddddddd someone to fill this void in my life.

you write something like that, and you feel, in real time, how it’s an illusion, and how there being a void in your life is its own problem, and you’re not ready for a relationship if you’re thinking in those terms. it’s some kind of paradox that only resolves when you just really feel it resolved.... and i suppose when and if i ever get to the bottom of this, that will be when the right man reveals himself to me. that right there will be when, that’ll be the day, won’t it? that’ll be the day... your one and only day... to step your ass up and say it right to my face.... right....

fuck dude, fuck man, fuck bro... what’s a girl to do, really? am i supposed to go to a  gay bar or something? is that what i do? do i need to start putting myself out there more as a single person? i could do that, but then what does that even do? am i going to be the bitch who goes to the bar and just sits there? is that what i’m doing, is that what i’m doing? i suppose that’s a fine idea, a fine idea indeed, and i could go with friends or something, or i could go fully alone and i could simply meet people, right, but doesn’t that feel so difficult? doesn’t it feel difficult somehow, and then doesn’t it all feel difficult when you think about how i don’t have a bed frame or a headboard or any of the things that would make me an eligible suitor? really just the bed frame, i guess, and a tv in the apartment and all that normal person stuff....

the fundamental issue i’m up against is this idea of not being a normal person. the beauty of the light as it comes into this room is not lost on me, but maybe it is a little bit lost, actually, because i’m so caught up in my own loneliness and horniness to really appreciate it.