sssssssad old me showed up with wet hair like it didn't matter and i didn't care

you know waht i mean though like in the sense that

it's not like i have any hair so i can't exactly show up somewhere with wet hair and in that sense the song is a commentary on hair as this thing that can hhhhhhfgget accumulated and it can accumulate to the point of still being wet by the time you get to some kind of place from your apartment like it's a sign of you having gone through all kinds of

you know when a thought just has to end like you can just tell with some of these sentences that they don't need

to find a resolution is how i would've ended that sentence but i wanted to be cheeky and maintain the

whole thing of

like not finishing uhhhhh but i am finishing them i guess there you have an example of uhh i guess this phenomenon where while you're writing you gotta finish your thought or else

you know like or else what though like really what happens

does it really matter if each thoght gets finished and seen through to its conclusion and the spiderweb is formed and it's big enough and strong enough to carry dew and it just drips right off there

and the web being the wet hair of the spider like he ee eee e showed up with wet hair uhhmmm the spider did in the sense that uhhh it’s still uhhh

yeah you know they can’t all be winners, all these thoughts that i have

talked to j-- about how i’m a very autonomous independent person to the point where it's like oh oh my god okay yeah ouh oh wow you know

and i wonder if anyone in my famliy knows that i am this way even outside of them or do they think i'm somehow functionally broken or am i somehow not fully working and operational, or what do the people around me really even think of me you know what i mean what do they even think do they think anything at all do they do they not, these are the questions i have in mind, these are the questions

and i wonder am i fuckign things up somehow am i fucking it all up or what's going on

no today i felt like i was fucking things down you know i felt like i was doinggggg a good day today it felt like a good ass day to be honest with you just letting magic happen wherever i went wherever it took me nnnnnever the twain shall meet and stuff like that

reading plays by moliere and stuff just enjoying my time in [city] on the train, talking to o----, doing rehearsal with l---- and a---, on the train, listening to music, shopping at the thrift seeing nothing worth getting, talking on the phone with insurance, thinking about getting my flu shot, getting impeded by the whole insurance thing

j-- saying that a lot of people in life get a rise out of sharing with people the things they've done and that's not really something i do, it's not something i really do because i think i find it boring like am i really ever doing anything worth sharing with people

i think in the play i start to see how it is the case that this is something worth sharing and people in fact are sharing it with people like a--- literally shared it with an interviewer at [place] yesterday she said, and she accidentally invited her to the show cuz she was so into it like oh okay this is cool like okay you start to see that people actually do perk up at this, people have this inherent inkling toward theater we love it we all just sort of love it don't we

it's some combination of public speaking and also art and it feels like there are real stakes like this play is about life and death you know but there are some about cuckolding and raising up women to be stupid so they never leave you but getting thwarted in some way you know and the other guys just call it providence there are plays about really anything under the sun and it’s cool that they all exist, all these plays, and it’s cool to contribute my own play to the mix like you know what let’s just be a goddamn playwright and let’s write [play] next that’s what we’re going to do and it’s going to be quite easy to do. it’s going to be just like talking through my feelings about the whole thing, that’s all it’s going to be. quite an easy thing to write don't you think, but not so easy, is it, when you’ve had it in your mind as this concept for so long. so now that it is like that, when it comes time to write it i'm going to be like 'well hmmm is this really the play i wanted to write.' we could go through iterations with it

but one thing is for sure and that is that the play isn't getting written when i just keep kicking the idea around and bringing it up as the next play but not writing it. what i need to do is actually write it and we will have the characters be [x], [x], and the x and x of [x] or some other equivalent of x and x, we won’t be so... you know.... we can be a bit more opaque about it, but they will both represent [x]. they will be actors who look similar to him i suppose, or maybe they can look different, maybe it can just be... we don’t know exactly what they will look like. they will just be known as x and x, but it’ll be like we won’t really tell the difference at a certain point and we want them to be somewhat undifferentiatetedddd like in terms of their morality we want them to be morally undifferentiated no kinds of suggestions to the audience of which one is correct, they’re just going to be diffferent perspectives

and it’ll be a classic dualistic setup but there will be a surprise third character who comes along eventually and complciates the whole thought process it’ll be some kind of thing likeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee some way of demonstrating that it was a false dichotomy maybe it’ll be just like.... well we won’t know until we sit down to write it, isn’t that true?

so the only thing you can do im a moment like this is sit down and write the damn thing

am i all out of things to say i sure might be and that sure might be okay

it was a good day like i said and it’s just so nice my brother to not have to go to work it genuinely makes things so much better in life like right now going into this day tomrorow i’m just like holy crap i really have free rein basically to do whatever i want

and this reminded me of how today after we finished running the play and i said you just did the whole play l---- was like 'oh okay that’s actually not that intimidating' that was such a cool moment like you know what yeah l---- it’s not that intimidating it’s all good it’s really not that intimidating my friend you’re so right like you got this sir you fucking got this shit brother i believe in you so much iliilike i really do believe in him and a--- i believe in her too and her prooffff is already in the pudding it's clear she’s putting the work into this it's fucking sick

flashback o---- said i might consider talking to c--- r---- about my lack of career aspirations and see if i can take over the [x] baton from her like girl pass it on to me i got this queenie

but truthfully i don't think i wanna do that lol sounds miserable to me working with med stuents to do what, write these little things about who knows what? we don’t really know

i know i don't love the idea of being associated with [school]

thoughhhhh o---- reminded me offffff er alerted me to v---'s thinking about how if all the good people left [school] then it would just be filled with bad people which is a fine argument but flies in the face of the master’s house thing

but o---- opted for a middle way where you need people inside and outside for any real change to happen so i thought that was cool like our coalition can breach the line of whatever is this line between inside and outside

but the whole thing so dualistic it threatens to collapse on itself in terms of meaning and ring out hollow

so i guess we’ll see

but all of it will be revealed in my second play and i’ll see if n--- wants to collab on it at all or if i just like do it and run it past her or somegthing like that, we'll see what level of involvement she wants to have in this thing

i think i write it by myself and i can share the concept with her and we can see about thinking it through you know

i'm doing all of this for the twink in four hundred years who wants to write plays and wants to read what was written way back in the day

i’m ultimately doing it for that twink you know like shoutout to him god firbobiriiiddd you can read me here at my lowest point, at my most naked at my most laid bare i hope you don't find this and if you do that you don't fault me for it, i swear i was onto something in my time i was ahead of my time people didn't fully get me but i'm sure you guys do in the future where there's posterity of the events of our time

and you know like yeah it is fuck donald trump it really still is so like if you needed me to say that if you really needed me to say that just for posterity’s sake then there you go

and if the possibility has come true that nobody is reading this in the future and it’ssssss going to passsssss into obscurity like everything else, then fuck it, i’m okay with it and i’m happier for having this moment just be one with me myself and i, and i’ll always remember it, the smell of my deodorant mixing with the smell of the pillowowowwo and that little visual of a bird looking straight at me you know like beak pointed at me and shit like that, i’ll always remember the moment even if nobody else ever knows about its existence. but i know and i’m here, i’m still here frankly, i'm still here in this moment and if i know about it then that’s more mroem orem ormeor eormeo than enough more than i could ever ask for so i all i can do is say thank you