i’m sitting here sober as a fuckin little fish in the water that is life. i’m sober and it feels really good. i understand why i smoked weed for as long as i did (prophetic past tense here please help me manifest it) but right now as i sit here with that undeniable clarity of mind i sort of just feel bad about it. like why did i do that? why was i so insistent on smoking every single day?
i’m sitting in the middle of the room, this big room that is my apartment. it’s a big apartment, big for a student, big for someone my age. way too big, in fact. clearly. i’m still too young to know quite how to handle something like this.
last night i got dddddinner with v---- anddddd r----. it was fun and nice. but then sometimes you know you get these little glimpses at people's character pathology, and in the case of v---- i noticed that as she was describing getting engaged to her fiancé it was a lot of just like.... i wasn’t picking up on any joy.
actually. she showed us the pictures and it seemed like she was happy to have them as evidence of her future happy union, but.... then it was a lot of veiled discussion about how she really is stressed about wedding planning and how her mom and his mom are enemies and had to block each other’s phone numbers, and all these other things... she said the engagement itself was a very high high but then a day or two later she had an extremely low low. but she immediately justified it, and she said that she'd had had a pretty consistently flat previous year, so it’s to be expected that after a high high like that that she would have a compensatory low. i understood and tracked the logic, but i felt as though, you know, the narrative had already calcified exactly where it was. i think that’s an interesting phenomenon, when someone has already processed something before they bring it to your attention and they leave no room, whether intentionally or not, for your interpretation. the narrative had hardened into a rock, and it was immutable at that point.
god forbid i ever let any of my narratives calcify that way.
today i drove up to [suburbs] thinking i could have a nice nature day. and i did, mind you, but it was difficult. i drove with no directions, just drove straight north, and i was hoping that i would find some kind of, you know, sign on the road directing me to an arboretum or state park or some other such. but in [suburbs] it’s all just rich houses and white people wearing puffer vests and sunglasses and the older ladies have pin-straight hair and everyone is white except for the select slelect few non-white people, who stick out much like sore thumbs do... something less intense than a sore thumb, something more emasculated.... it’s like.... man, it made me miss [city] right away because in [city] the white people are truly the scrape of the world, at least in the neighborhood i live in. around here, the white people have this self-effacious kind of thing that we need to do, just out of respect for the surroundings. the side characters: i really do think that’s what white poeple need to be. that’s the function we will need to serve in this next leg of the human race.
of course i am looking forward to the [redacted] if that ever happens, and i think we do need to dilute all this [redacted], and we need to dilute it to the point of elimination, in fact, and we can do that not through [redacted] but through different kinds of [redacted], i guess? and white people choosing not to have kids. i think there’s a real movement that could be started wherein white people stop having kids as a radical act of decolonization. i think it is decolonization for whites to not have kids, and have that be intentional.
i don’t have anything ant-related to talk about right now.
the day has been long, hasn’t it? it's been so long, and it’s all beccause of sobriety. i even took a nap.
the iterative quality of life, and how you learn from all the preivous experiences, and how it’s never too late to turn it around and change your relationship to something.
vampirism that’s certainly a mosquito that was just buzzing around my ear...... oh god, the house is infiltrated, officially... that’s what i get for keeping the windows open. i was trying to give the bugs some egress, but maybe i just invited more inside.
but the fly that had been living with me for the past few days, the one who would sit on the ceiling, the one who would buzz around when i got home from work.... i found him dead on the floor today.
maybe a little teeny bit of brain activity left, as one of its six legs was twitching a little bit when i picked it up with an origmami bird...... and i deposited it outside my window on the ledge so it could sit in the sun, but a breeze blew it away, and then it was over. goodbye, friend. thanks for joining me these last few days. i’ll now be alone once again.
looking at the olive oil which is a little more empty than it was when i bought it. all these signs of time passing me by. the fly especially. like damn i really witnessed the whole life, proabably, bascially, of this fly, and now it’s over, and i’m still here, and i have to carry on and make sure to account for this fly’s legacy.
the best way i can honor it, i think, is to eat dinner right now. here we go.