i’m sitting here sober as a fuckin little fish in the water that is life. i’m sober and it feels really good. i understand why i smoked weed for as long as i did (prophetic past tense here please help me manifest it) but right now as i sit here with that undeniable clarity of mind i sort of just feel bad about it. like why did i do that? why was i so insistent on smoking every single day?
i’m sitting in the middle of the room, this big room that is my apartment. it’s a big apartment, big for a student, big for someone my age. way too big, in fact. clearly. i’m still too young to know quite how to handle something like this.
last night i got dddddinner with v---- anddddd r----. it was fun and nice. but then sometimes you know you get these little glimpses at people's character pathology, and in the case of v---- i noticed that as she was describing getting engaged to her fiancé it was a lot of just like.... i wasn’t picking up on any joy.
actually. she showed us the pictures and it seemed like she was happy to have them as evidence of her future happy union, but.... then it was a lot of veiled discussion about how ███ ██████ ██ ████████ █████ ███████ ████████ ███ ███ ███ ███ ███ ███ ███ ███ ███████ ███ ███ ██ █████ ████ █████’█ █████ ███████, ███ ███ █████ █████ ██████... ███ ████ ███ ██████████ ██████ ███ █ ████ ████ ████ ███ ████ █ ███ ██ ███ █████ ███ ███ ██ █████████ ███ ███. ███ ███ ███████████ █████████ ██, ███ ███ ████ ████ ███'█ ███ ███ █ ██████ ████████████ ████ ████████ ████, ██ ██’█ ██ ██ ████████ ████ █████ █ ████ ████ ████ ████ ████ ███ █████ ████ █ ████████████ ███. i understood and tracked the logic, but i felt as though, you know, the narrative had already calcified exactly where it was. i think that’s an interesting phenomenon, when someone has already processed something before they bring it to your attention and they leave no room, whether intentionally or not, for your interpretation. the narrative had hardened into a rock, and it was immutable at that point.
god forbid i ever let any of my narratives calcify that way.
i don’t have anything ant-related to talk about right now.
the day has been long, hasn’t it? it's been so long, and it’s all beccause of sobriety. i even took a nap.
the iterative quality of life, and how you learn from all the preivous experiences, and how it’s never too late to turn it around and change your relationship to something.
vampirism that’s certainly a mosquito that was just buzzing around my ear...... oh god, the house is infiltrated, officially... that’s what i get for keeping the windows open. i was trying to give the bugs some egress, but maybe i just invited more inside.
but the fly that had been living with me for the past few days, the one who would sit on the ceiling, the one who would buzz around when i got home from work.... i found him dead on the floor today.
maybe a little teeny bit of brain activity left, as one of its six legs was twitching a little bit when i picked it up with an origmami bird...... and i deposited it outside my window on the ledge so it could sit in the sun, but a breeze blew it away, and then it was over. goodbye, friend. thanks for joining me these last few days. i’ll now be alone once again.
looking at the olive oil which is a little more empty than it was when i bought it. all these signs of time passing me by. the fly especially. like damn i really witnessed the whole life, proabably, bascially, of this fly, and now it’s over, and i’m still here, and i have to carry on and make sure to account for this fly’s legacy.
the best way i can honor it, i think, is to eat dinner right now. here we go.