i love retarded shit like this fuckin worm my sister crocheted for me it’s fucking awesome

and i love retarded shit in general i think it makes the world go round and i think it’s a fine thing to devote one’s life to

we do value the retards in our society don’t we or is that whole thing just performative?

cuz if we really value them then we should value me if i choose to just be a retarded influence on the world

but i got all this education and nowhere to go with it but m----

when they ask what i will do after med school and i say i wanna get a menial degrading job and i wanna write, what then? when i tell people i wanna just get a retarded little job and do my retarded little writings, what then?

truthfully i think people shouldn’t ask me these things they shouldn’t care so much they should just leave me alone like literally yall leave me alone let me out of this whole thing please let me out of it the expectation and shit

i can let myself out

all the traps that we think there are in life are just ones we put ourselves in like you got the keys mama if you’re in a cage then just take care and let yourself out why don’t you

dostoevsky rereading crime and punishment and it’s still great and i feel like i don’t remember most of the shit i’m reading right now likeeeeeeeeeee it’s all kinda new to me, this scene where raskolnikov got all these fuckers including the doctor and his new future step daddy in his tiny little apartment shooting the shit about how welfare rats are committing all kinds of crimes now and like we live in a society. i don’t recall that convo and it’s like ohhh i see the value in (one) rereading this book and (two) reading it as a full proper adult which yes i am

yes i’m fully cooked now so it seems i’m cooked it’s all over i’m done growing done developing and all that type of stuff like i’m ready for the world

but yeah the n------- does seem to be calling me but not just the place it’s also the people it’s also the community i want the community i think is the bottom line

i want community formed around the arts music i want community in general and c----- did have that to a large extent perhaps too far of an extent at times. it was a little too close at times too close for comfort like moms yelling at you in the auditorium or not yelling but you know getting brutally offended at your remarks that’s just how it was at the time

and then i went off to college and got radicalized and then i went to med school and got even more radicalized but i picked up all kinds of skills blah blah which i’m ready and able to use and bring back to my hometown or the nearby towns

but yeah i'm really not sure what life has in store for me postgrad i’m really not sure not even a little bit

ttttttttttttttttttttthe whole dream of making it as an artist as a writer yeah it was cute for a time but now that i got a taste for it i think it tastes a little bitter to me

but what’s not bitter is the idea of working with schizophrenics

or maybe i’m overromanticizing the whole thing

that guy who wanted to cut off his dick - or no he didn’t want to cut off his dick but he had command hallucinations telling him to do it

i want to hang out in there and talk to the people be a part of the milieu and shit

playing uno with those two girls in the emergency room and the doctor was like you’re doing milieu therapy like yeah i guess but i was also just being normal in a room with two teenage girls who had threatened to kill thesmelves and were waiting for a bed in fuckass w-------

medicine is a business all this shit is a business and that’s one thing that gives me pause when looking for a job like i think they are going to just be extracting me for my paperwork skills my documentation i’m not sure if there are any places up in n------- which are designed for actually caring

i suppose nonprofits could be closer to the mission like the nature of them is not to make profit right.. but i think p--- has allluded to the fact that nonprofits are actually smuggling in their own warped agendas and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be and shit

so basically i may just need to keep an ear to the ground

i keeeeeepppppppppppp seeing this eighties looking characcterrrrrrrr wearing regular eighties boy clothes jeans and those uhhhh tshirts the ones with the redddddd circles around the neck and arms uhhhhh like penny tees from icarly i guess uhhhh seeing this scary mask on his face

nothing but under the influence of nothing but chicken wing dip which i emptied out into my stomach this evening ,, as well as uhhh idk oxygen i guess?

but yeah i think i’m ready to be done i think it’s time to be done

i agree with you and i feel you are going to be okay it’s all going to work out in a strangely unexpected an extremely extremely unexpected way like there will be certain elements that you may have beene able to predict but for the large part of it, you’re going to be shocked at how things work out. like will i even be here this time next year? i have absolutely no idea and it’s cool to imagine it....

well there you have it, it’s all over... but now it’s back.

huhhhhh when do they get to the bottom fo this, whennnnn red flags red flags abounding or at least stsaaainggg to buttttt i’m also not a erelatipinsnipj person. i love m y friends. and i’ll leave it at that.... i think..... mom saying she thought all my friends were little rosemaries whatsssss

uhhhhh wait so are we done now?? i feel like we are, we might be, because tomorrow is the day maybe

readyyyyy?//?

yeahhh bat out of hell is what i’ llllll

anywaysssss seee ya laters love you parents see yaaaaa in the next dayyyyy heheh yayyyy fun to be “home” for the holidays for the holidays you can't be home sweet home. well shit.... but uhhhhhh no you shouldn’t do that, you don't have to do thatttt uhhh it’s so kind of you damn this is freaking awesome

anwyay let’s leave it there... i’m going to go ahead and trail off........ lol anywayyyssss LMaooooo lolol aaaaa grammar thinggg... bring back grammar let’s all speak it more intelligibly please like uhehmm oh. oh shit they’re gonna probably have to edit that out. or i could edit it... something like that

i still love you just like i said this morning. i still love you!!!! okay and yeah i’m done with the convo and the whole thing i’m going to be done call it quits call it a loss. so then about the tea, who made it.... doesn't matter doesn't quite matter does it? anyway ogoooodybyeeeeeeeeeeeee it's something unpredictable but in the end is right i hope you had the time of your life

love when i'm one of the kids and the kids feel like they're selfffff uhhhhhh hhhhhh perpetuating like we don’t need supervision we got this shit yall don't need to raise us anymore except financially until i get a jobbbbb errrr or whatever the fuck happens

okay goodbye to all and to all a good bye