the point is the point bitches~!!!!! looks like i win again.

another email from [school]. will those ever end........ i don’t care to analyze that one at the moment, like how do they benefit from helping out Big Screen in this way.... do they have some kind of partnership with someone who has a partnership with someone who has a partnership with Big Screen?

don't text we don’t have to conspiracy theorize this one, but we very well could.

gotta shave my mustache again i can tell it's time i don't want to have anything i need to explain on my face.

alas, our mind is escaping us and going toward these things that i do not care to let consume me.... isn't that true.... yes..... the goal is meditation, isn't it, and that's not the same thing as rumination.

meditation is far more still, far more flowy, far less concerned with things, far less distracted, i guess far less in general, to make room for the far more that is always around us.... like let's really make room for the far more, that's all i'm trying to do. far more far more far more far more far more far more far more far more even than language the further more far moreness of it is exactly what makes it worth doing, and again—i can't stress this enough—this is meditation, that is the aim here, that is the ultimate end, that is the point which is the point. there is no other point unless it becomes the point at a point in time. it will become a point if it will, and i don't have much sway in that—or, i don't want to. i would prefer, in general, to have less sway, in general, over the general course of proceedings, so that i can use all of my force and my willpower and energy in intensely concentrated bursts.

two planes just flew by. one of them was smaller and closer to the ground.

i’m not the same person i was thirty seconds ago.

meditation is the point, and so is the point, like i said before. that’s still the case. i remind myself of it to remind myself. like that’s it. the only reason i do things is to do them. that’s the only reason i ever do anything. i’m not doing this ‘because’ anything. i’m doing it ‘because’ i’m doing it. there. i'm not going to perpetuate any myths about beginningless time or some unchanging changer..... i don't even want to be associated with the concept of change, not the intentional kind. of course i’m aware of it and i love it as much as i love any other truth,,,,, but like you know um... i’ll leave it there i think.

i forgot what i was saying and it’s a good thing to forget, isn’t it, because then you get to go back to what you were doing before, which was nothing. you can get back to making room for far more. far more. far more. far more. make that room. make the room. delete anything that’s taking up space, you know, and you’ll feel the hit to your brain, you’ll feeel like it’s suddenly right-heavy and you’ll stumble in that direction—that is, to the right, becuase the right side is suddenly heavier—and it's as if you’re about to fall over sideways.

you let yourself feel that on both sides. you let your brain empty out from the side, both times. let it get right-heavy, really feel it and dig into it but don't let yourself fall, just keep supporting it, and in fact support it so much that you swing it back the other way and it becomes left-heavy now, and feel all your left brain leaking out through your ear.... it’s out, isn’t it....... dripping like a faucet. you turned it off, so it seems, but it's still leaking. oh well, that's fine, you got most of it out, i think.

and now look around you and see that you’re in the same place as you were before. somehow the quantum mechanics of the situation... your ability to still hear the outside stimuli, the auditory ones, that was enough quantum entanglemenet to keep you firmly in the space you are in.....

but what of sensory deprivation? is that some kind of quantum hijinks, is that what makes it so scary, that you are schrodinger's cat all the time? i don't think anyone wants to be schrodinger's cat. it would be an impossible situation to be in. for you to not fully exist one way or another: that's the implication of it, isn’t it......

and therefore it’s a terrible explanation of quantum mechanics, or at least it misunderstands something fundamental about it, which is that anyone and anything can be an observer. let’s at least grant that any living thing can be an observer. so as long as the cat is observing itself or not observing itself, that means the problem is already solved. we don't need the human.... or, at least, it's an incredibly anthropocentric position to take to say that the cat is both dead and alive. yes,, that’s how it SSEEEEMS to youOUOUUUUU and YOURRRR quantum cells, but the cat’s, bro, are either on or they’re not........ and even then, brother, even then,,,,,, you try to argue that the vacuum created..... i don't know what you're trying to argue, actually.

but i mean, also, in addition, i want to say what about the observers who are the bacteria who are in this cat, living complex and intricate lives, don't you think there will be sufficient chemical messaging that everyone in that damn box will pretty much know whether the cat is dead or alive,,,, long before the human would?

i think observation is the thing that keeps everything entangled. it makes you wonder what’s happening in all those places that are not being observed by any lifeform..... is there something fundamental about observation that makes things real, suddenly? like if the universe is expanding, then maybe it's expanded somewhere observation is impossible, some kind of quantumless reality where things are totally free...

is that a kind of solipsisim, though, yes, i think the universe is a solipsistic creation of all life forms...... ummm yes that sounds about right...

think of it this way, in terms of one of those video games where the map reveals itself to you as you explore it, like your map automatically updates with the information about the terrain around you and the locations and shit.... uhhh... that’s how it is for the bits of space which become observed.

so then i think that would have to imply life elsewhere, because we are able to observe that those planets and things exist, so there had to have been something around whose observation made them real....

is that anything? does observation actually birth things from the ether? is it really just mere observation that puts things there, and then repeated, continous observation that keeps it there longer and longer? isn't it true? isn't that true? there have always been observers of this place i'm standing in, always been something that either is or could be observing it, isn't that true....... there is no surface on earth, is there, no place, not really any place, that could be........ unobserved....

except that oil spill situation, the one that herzog made the film about, the one left behind by saddam hussein, yeah i think it was him, his trail of oil that he made, and how it made this intensely lifeless area that stretched on for sooooo long. i guess the things under the oil are unable to be observed so they cannot be created or something?

i don't know, man, this is just my quantum thoughts of the moment.

this is where you reach, somehow, somewhat, the end of science. there’s not really a way to figure things out beyond that, is there? what’s outside of the expanding universe, where is it going, is there anyone to observe it, does it just keep getting bigger, is the whole thing just like an unexplored map and the only reason we haven’t charted it yet is because we’ve never made it out that far, but it really does and can stretch on for infinity, and will i not just inevitably get recycled into some other lifeform, is that not just how it’s going to be forever and ever, is that not the general trend of the universe, to keep ‘expanding'? errrrrrrrrrrrr but the expansion thing is kinda weird though, isn’t it, like why is it doing that? what could that mean, it’s expanding? so that means it’s getting bigger, yes, but it’s also like you’re just zooming in. you’re zooming in real tight on it, isn’t that more like how it is, like it’s expanding, does that just mean some frame of reference is getting smaller and it’s focusing on us or something, like if it’s expanding.............. uhhh, it expands from all the points, doesn't it, yeah, there’s no true center, they’re all just......

but shit, doesn’t expansion imply the need for a vanishing point, like the point from which the expansion starts, like if we’re using the balloon example it starts from the center of the balloon, and that will always be the center, you know, it’s like, uhhh, a cone, and there’s the tip of the cone at the center of the expanding universe, so then what is the center, or is the conept of center just something we created? no, it’s not, it’s something that exists in the planets themselves, too.... there is a center, and it’s hot. so there’s what, some mega sun somewhere out there? some kind of mega sun that sustains the whole entire universe or something,,,

man, i don't know, but i see why people get into sci-fi. doesn’t matter. meditation. meditation.

i’ve been thinking of my atlantoaxial spine today.... and i begin to feel what you might call atlantoaxial instability, so now i will do some neck stretches and head turning to make those muscles feel they're getting used to the fullest and i don't end up with actual atlantoaxial instability when and if i ever reach old age...

but isn't it true that i turn my nose up at the thought of living for a long time? the suffering yesterday—the right flank pain—really put things in perspective for me, including how i really don't like sufffering... i don't like it lol. that was a sort of kick in the knees to my sense of enlightenment yesterday. just like walking around like 'damn, oh damn.... damn......' really just kinda being a brat in my own mind about it, but of course it went away, thank god, but then that’s just becuase of my youth, isn’t it, and when i lose that....

we don’t know how long we’ll have it anyway. could get struck down any day here, soldier. isn’t that also the case? you can get struck down one of these days if you uhh play your cards wrong.

acting no right or wrong...... only action, you know, i’m a man who acts..... i act, dr. rutenspitz, i act......

weak sauce, golyadkin. he’s such a junior. whomp whomp, he’s such a whomp whomp person. i’m sorry to say it, golyadkin, but if you were here with us today you would admit to its truth.

i will now put some rice on the cooker to be cooked. before that i need to wash the whole thing cuz it's old and gross. nasty. i shouldn't have left it so long. maybe i'll give it a soak and make pasta instead, yes,,,,,, sure thing, i think, maybe, uhhhh, who knows....... soaking probably not helpful. let’s just wash it.