wwwwehenenen bepeople know your tea before they kjnow your name, before you know theirs. it’s one of those things.
i love having my own apartment and thank god foer gibing me the circumstances to allow it. now that i see what life can be like, i acn onaly feel outrage, or i guess
is more accurate. it’s a rage that i bkeep inside, isn’t it? i don’t seem to have a way to externalize it quite yet besides with my words. with my actions, no, that’s a bit harder. words are easy. anywone can do that.
and when you get into guilt that only makes it worse. just remember.
well first of all we have to remember i’m living life with free will. hello. that’s step one,
this is you, , you are awake and alert and oriented and capable of ocomplex thought, so you might as well use it and not put youorself on these predestined tracks come up with by people who dont know shit about dick. stop trying to come up with things for people. curricula and the like. stop taht. i’m over it. i’ms o over it unless its just like book recommendations, which is basically all that college was. it was about giving you good books and letting you read them, or i guess more accurate would be to say making you read them, and on a tight schedule at that.
i don’t know what point im trying to make. it started with a conversaion about politics over dinner and
v-----, a--, r-----, with ----y being absent rfrom this part of the convo. i found myself just kind of not really being able to ground myself in the topics they were talking about like mayoral elections in the city of new york. it’s hard to imagine things like local politics really actually mattering under a regime like this. that’ sjust me being frankl. i don’t konow how to communicate that to others, but i tried it tonight. i tried it, and i think i made it awkward or something. nobody wanted to talk about it once someone decided it was over. i think it was a-- who decided when it was over.
i’ts good to be able to be friends now but when shit hits the fan and they’re all still doctosrs and ive moved onto whatever else life wants from me, it’s going to be a little harder to relate. at least that’s tjhe goal. i don’t like that im forced to relate with the likes of some of these things. it’s tough the conversation sometiems. it’s tough to not just be fully eeslsewehere ewhen epoeple are talking aobout things as seemingly micro as a mayoral eleection. but then again it’s a real life thing that’s happening that real life people are spending time on and time caring about as well when it coesm to the masses. i’m saying the campaign staff and zohran himself are spending lots and lots of time. and they’re also convincing others tpo sepnd their own time thinking about this election and its issues and its candidtatesess.... it’s all just so baked in, the settler colonialism of it all.... that’s the problem i was trying to dsay to them this evening.... it’s hard to let yourselffff care about things so tiny when yous ee the problem ahs hasving a som mcuh wider scope as to include reparations. it’s like...
no, really, how? when it comes to irish people being more prone to whatever the fuck they said whthey werere prone to, and it’s because of the potato afamine??? like how can you accept that epigenetics exists ss s and then not care or put much thought at all into something like land back? it’s kind of nauseating, and it’s more nauseating the huighs cshool debate (or lack thereof) skills that come through when you talk about this stuff to thes epeople.e....
i’m trying tooo not be too resentful, or really resentful at all.
i really truly want to be doing right speech right concentration. the right thing, or a right thing to concernertrae on would be getting closer to these people and engaging them in more positive forward facing conversations, but i can tell when a group needs someone to doom at them, and i guess that’s my role in taht superorganism. to eremind them orf the horrors.
i guess i’m taht. i’m taht. i’m the guy at the door of every happy eperson banging a hammer.
and i’m his like friend or accccomplice or like intergenerational pal or some shit uhhhhh this isannoying.
as i’ve gotten into just like quick quick editing of my own text, i just find myself mostly taking out thse likes and the jsuts. but i can’t imagine writing without them. it’s like one of those things where you need to use it at the time and then later when you’re going forward on the thing, you can kick down the ladder, you don’t need it anymore, and the audience cetrtainly doiesn’t need to see how you got up there. they can still wanna be able to follow teh trajectory but we don’t need all those interstitials.
that's really utliatmely what this thshit is boaubt, right?
i’m trying here. and it’s easy to do it, i’m not really even trying. we need a noew word for trying that means simply taht’s what you’re aimgingin toward but you’re wu weiing it down there. down the hill. it’s like downhill rolling. i’m just rolling it. i’m rolling it and seeing if it goes uphill or downhil.
ad tahts’ ltieraly how synapses word,kk, and brain netwworkes fwork. its’ like rolling a ball down a hill with some of these htings, so easy they are to think about. and then others are more of an uphill battle.
like h---- said to me today about how doing residency and being at the end of med school means taht it’s all uphill foerm there. but that’s not me. Nand i’m so happy i started that conversation with h---- today, becuae ase yeah. she spoke to me in my own language without even knowing it. i appreciate shit lik e that so fucking much bruh. like i dhope she knows or has even a small inkling about how much she impacted me today just by being a friendly face. like ia ctually love her ass lowkey waittttt as ec like i liove her...
and good for me for looking ufp her name and using it. i had to take asec c to hget there but once i did it was like oh swe’re so back. like ultimately uhhhh that’s another word i use too much lo. but lultiamtely that retarded thing everyrone was trying to take from that book which was to get people’s attention and get thpem tot like you by using their nam.e like it avcutally fucking works people. like x---- used my name more in the last month thatn maybe like ninety nine percent of people ever have in their entire lifes ofv knowing me, and it makes me feel so close to her. like that really is my sister for real adn i jsut like cherish all the connectiosn i can make in thisf ukcing world bro.
and i cherish my ability to amekt ehm in these kind of like fast paced ways.... like i really miss the nick you team bro i really like invested so much into those relationships lowkey like we laughed together and i really was trying , i was downhill rolling my way into friendship with them trying so hard not to verhthink shit but you know..... it was jsut a good group of peopel......... and T-- i think was the one owho texted me today saying
like that shit is so affirming bro my god. like i miss them tooooo fuck bro taht second team was honestly magical as fuck. i want to just likeeeeee ugh i love those fuckesr.
too bad Y--- an E---- didnt fuckign TEXT ME or i could say nice things about THEM tOOTOOO!!!!! but i knoww ww i know i still have only fond feelings for all parties, bthat’s just how it is.
thats; sthe thing about preparing to be daed in any moment, it will really make you be like wait no today wayss paerefect and as like bitter and angry i started getting towartd the end of it, complaining loightly about how my sike attending is just boring, im like.. well i guess i wasn’t coplaining just like responding truthfully to a--’s wuqiuestoin and like weird curiosity oabout how they were and what they were like.... like heh.... eehhhhhh... uh... .well.
anyway. lol. just so fucking weird bro i’m telling you it’s so weird to be a medical student. at the end of the day it is absolutely fucking weird and ui just like... i feeel bad about saying this about my friends the people i choose to spend time with but like they’re not my people. that’s the thought that ovccured to me on the train on my way back here. they’re not my peopel and taht doesnt mean i don’t love them and that they’re no tmyf familly. shit my mom isnt my peopel either bruh. i dont know who or where my people are. i dont know wheree to look for them or whether your people, your tribe ie s even anything at all. is it more so fthe people at home? are there eevne people tehre though who like... get me? i think u---- lowkey. like i thinkj he kind of is about this shit. my [rdct] friends yeah those people are..... it’s the new friends silver old friends gold thing. like idk..... i don’t qwant to put into like terms of quantificaiton what each friends mean tss to me but its like ten a--s for one k--- in a way like that just is nothing against a-- its more in favor orf k---, and mind you this is a person i havent spoken to in like years at this point. maybe even years and years. like we dont say shit to each other fr anymore. but at the same time that’s my best friend and that’s my best friend bo. simp[le as that.
but shit like this dude is jsut like you getting avback in tune with your internal north star and would you look at how it just keeps leading you back to the place and people you came from. it’s lamost like… something. it’s almost like something.
and there’s a truly eerie way in which the treeeeeeeesssss on [rdct] lane jsut make me feel like
like i ahven’t spent time as an audldt in those parts,m and it’s insane to me. i need to get back to that house. i think that’s it. i need to figure out how to get into that house. can they let me have a room in there, and etc. can they let me just like crash there when i please, can i vbecoem part of their wfamilyh in a way? i think that’s what i want, is to go bakck to the [rdct] and just be the eccentric person up there. i can be the weirdo up there arather then ann the one down here, cuz at least up there theyd iuunderstand the oncnoditions that led to my position in the world you know what i mean.
i dont konw what they say about me, what they think about me, who they think i am to them, whether they think i even vacare about them at all. i ahve no idea quite rfrankly. but i only have them to thank for anything i’ve ever achieved ofr been able to dream in life. m--- n---- g--- for example and t---- b---- and d--- b---- and h---- l---- honestly. alll of these people, a---- d---- and j---- t----, k-- c-----……. fuckin uhhhh mrs l----....... all of the teachers bro i could quite eaisly make a list of them all right now and haeve just like exactly the right vibifdi memories and attachment to them to tell you all of their names. is this the time in my odyssey when
i guess so.
there was mrs l---- and mres y---- in preschool. mrs c---- supported by mrs uhhhhh fuckinggsg s------ in kindergarten….. iconic as fuck duo bro like they were my original fuckinggggg wario and waluigi but in the hot sexy teacher way...... like if uckign loved them so much bro especially like…. both of them. bu tt they wrer both so fdifferent. they were both so fucking different.
•
once you start seeing things as supserorganisms ists hard to go bak and hwa t abeautifu ol thing. a hill to reach that you can always just roll back up to. or down to? it’s a valley i guess, then, unleess it’s a hill with a hhuge magnet at the top and you’re a piece of metal. a rolling metal ball i guess, yeah, it like is a magent on the top of the hilll actually like you do have to push the rock a little bit to get there, but it is truly pulling you in. theres something magnetic about it for sure.
it’s all just
prbro.
huge metal ball rhthat is tearing through wahtever hilll, i guess the fabric of society perhaps might be waht i say there, the thing tha aball is tearing through, so why not just hop on the ball and do it as well.
i wanna be a susbstitute teacher. taht’s my current alling. i think emdicine was my calling for a little bit and then my calling is now art and substitute teaching. taht’s the simple answer atthhis point. that’ smy life and what i want to do. thanks fo rasking honestly.
thank you so much h----- for like explainingthis to me earlier. she kust said one thing and it epxlianed it all to me. magneticsm and physics and things going downhill versus uphill………. no, h-----, it’s not all uphhilll from ehre for me, because i refuse to be sisyphus, except about things taht i actually like. hills from which i like teh view. like cmon bro sisuyphus isn’t psushing the rock the holhwole time. sometimes he gets to the top and lhe looks around. and it’s not just one hill
onh myg od people imagine spoispyyphus hjappy as if its eating broccoli like you dont actually really want to do it but you konw you have to and you do it and when youre able to o do it you can be like yeah i actually find it easy to eat broccoli, ia ctually think its delciisocu especailly when you cover it in butter in other words, yes, i think its quite obvious sisyphus would be happy, and this is especially true weehen ic over the idea in butter.
fuck.
uhh iet didn’t come through.
but anyway i can imagine sispypuhus happy becasuse i am and becuase i know that there are
right now, just as there are rocks rolling downhill, and i suppose it all sort of balances out, rocks rolling up and down all over the place all the time, and that’s how life is possible. tension iand releaese….. like constatnt… dynamic equolibrium. yeah. okay perfect cool allright……
lllllllllllllllllllllook at all thes enotebooks unused. i got them on amazonz. i used one of them that is somehwer eesle right now to document my ditm ein the neonatla internsive care uinit. taht place feels likee another lifetime now, but i’ll always haeve that bnotebook to prove i did it in this liftiemt - yeseterday,a ctually. it was only yesterday, and it sure doesn’t feel liek it htough, taht iw as workin gin the nicu. it feels like, like ai said an eternity a lifetime a momemeenttttousssss moment ago………………..
is the most fun a girl can have with out taking off her clothes. and let’s just say i’m far from naked, well i guess not far from, i have underwaera and a shirt on. but for the sake of the funny little joke i was making, it stands.
pay me whatever amoutn makes sense ylall the whoe thing withahssssunder a hundred dollars and i could literaly like……. its nott hat deep yall i got it dont worry bout it. dont follow up in fact. you dont like…. we dissociate from money in theis household. like literaly dont worry about it. you can pay me back if you want but like ig got yall dont worry for realsies. don’t worry. i don’t want you to pay meb back becuase i’m actively literally trying to get rid of the money. and i dont want to explain that to you vbecuase it waoud take too much work and it would be sdistressing for you. it would just be like trying to push som e of my burden onto someone else. and it’s not even a burden in the first place. of course it weight s on me but it’s all weight that i apply to it. it’s like…. how you push soemthing and it pushes you back. well you can’t just be pushed by something bro. you’d eget out of its way i f you wrelaly did’nt want to bbe pushed. and yes it is that simple. i could right now be odne if i wantedot. i’t ssuch a ridiculous thing to even spin up any kind of tale abou tit at lal. come on girl nobody feels bad for you.
otehr people are gearing up for residency and relaxing and dissociating from the grim reality of their future life. i’m palalnning i tout and exploring, and today was honestly the first time someone encouraged me to do that. it was the fellow sitting closest to the window, as if the miror image of me in the workroom. sehs aid you can take time ot explore or something liek taht, and it jsut felt liek ta true breath of fresh air but i emtabolized it in the moment instantaneoulsy and was just like yes girl yes exactlyyyyy exactly.like shes so right. that was honestly qa uwite a fulfilling day even though i cipompoalined about it andns tutfff. theres just like…. things that i cant quite explain to teveryone.
and that’s why the stories from thw roeowkrplace don’t hit the same for me.
but the anthill, the anthill, i’ll always have
it’s there. not always f fcourse. but it’s on the internet as html. its’ stored somewhere outt here. people ahve seen it. the ball wants to roll down the hill even more. gravity works on it aeven moreeee even more. it’s awesome, we love it,d o you love it, we love it, i love it.
this shit is s o obviously about to be easy sas fuc. like acrarying however many patients and we only saw literally two patients today like wait wahat lol this shit is kind crzazy. this woman is jst taking meetings all day so she can’t eleven really get in flow with these patients can she,e sepcially not when you’re cucked to using the interpreter the whole time. but she sent me home a ltitiel tersely at right after five pm today so like interesting vibe there for sure. i think i made
when i showed up to the rounds thing late. like first of all eat me all of yall acting brand new at a late bitch. yall didnt tell me the right palce to go so i sat in their rounds waiting like a foool for someone to come rescue me or something, but i guess it’s on me, and it ended up making me extremely late for day one, but lowkey highkey i dont gieve a fuck lmfao. i’m like uhhh lol i dont care yall are all looking at acomputer screen projected onto a tv screen taht is just showing you ehr and you’re running th e list in such a sinister way liek teh bivibes immediately rancid as fuck in taht place. and i was unable like totally clipped wings to intevrvene in an y way because uhhhhh because uhhhhh what am i saying here, beucuase… sorry getting disftracted by the liberal looking beta cuck cgay pmale attending who gave mte that fuckass introduciton this morning…. sorry it sounds like im insulin ghim but im really not. this is not right speech but i mean no wharm by it, i swear. i’m just describing him in language that i can make sense of and that comes to me.
if you dont get it’ it’s not for you so lik e let the girls who get it continue to get it and dont spoil our fun with your misunderstanding please like it’s really just not cute so give it up you old fucks life isnt about you anymore it’s about us young fucking guns brother we are the one and you are not that girl any longer if you ever wer.
ogotta remember im sodoing this shit for my generation at the end of the day . if and when i ----- ----- ---- ----- --- --- ----- -------, that’ll be for the kids. it’s for the kkdisd.
gugh the day was off to wa weird start from the beginning. at least tomorrow
it was my own incompetence and failure to read signs in the moment that brought me to that position today, the one in which i looked like boooboboo the fool and made everyone mad at me from the jump lol. like sorry yall i’ll be there on time tomorrow and osoon enough this will all feel like a distant memory. ubut i gotta be on top fo my shit tomorrow. no funny business. so maybe a good idea to just like wake up early like i did today, but now we’re already in the territory of eight and a half, so like we’re past this. a moot point.
anyway i’ll do my best to be on time tomorro wguys sorry for uruuining the already bad vibe you had going on? tomorrow maybe i can rehabilitate it a little bit. we’ll see about that thought because damn lol. fuck man you know lol.
that’s all i can eve say for now bor liek i actually odo have to go to bed now lol. but this has been fun. genuinely i hada great and weirdly unique and pleasant time . its bedtime. time for the routine.
you’re living a life that cna continue to be lived, and well lived. your people are outside of medical schoool, so go get in touch with them, even if only from afar. GODPSEED!