• there’s a med student shadowing
today + he showed up like
a bull in a china shop genuinely
• first thing he says as we walk
to rounds is “do we really take
all these computers + people around
to every baby?” I was like yup
he said “there’s gotta be a
better way” I was like yup
but we haven’t found it yet
classic white man syndrome
- I agree ofc with the
computers being ridiculous
- it's just funny to observe how
insiders I’m getting like defensive of
the nicu vibes from outsiders
• PVR drops within 3 days of
life, don’t operate on babies
til then as their lungs start
working
• DBM is pooled, not from single donor
• the sole male RN in this unit
makes my pussy purr I’m sorry
to say it and even sorrier to
see a ring on his finger
- I thought he was a hot lesbian
at first and still think so from certain angles
• ok the med student is nice actually
and is asking me all kinds of
questions like why do we give
caffeine and why do we fortify
breast milk and what are trophic
feeds and I can’t help feeling good
about knowing all these answers.
or most of the answers
- he said thank you for
answering all these questions and
I said of course, it's good
cuz it shows me
that I’ve actually learned something
• rounding on tumor baby now who had
an “eventful afternoon” bruh
this is beyond me atp
- I did start a convo about him
with the residents before
rounds just like “I don’t get
why we’re doing this.” one person
suggested maybe they’re just
expecting him to die before they
can do the surgery, but we all
agreed that the suffering is like
out of this world… one resident
had a note of optimism saying
he can get SLP therapy and
that first 5 years of life will
be miserable but… idk if
there was anything after the
but… but he’ll be alive? yes,
but at what cost? this present
cost plus many more costs if
and when he ever gets discharged
- I look over at him and his
mouth is just straight up
bubbling like a cauldron
- and if there is any part of
any provider that is even
subconsciously keeping him alive
but not removing tumor to
avoid surgery and let him slowly
die, that’s an extremely vile
crime and…… just looking at
mom sit in her chair powerless…
- it’s just all so vile and abnormal
• white as default, and its
downstream effects, are a scourge.
how did this shit proliferate so
out of control? such degeneracy
• nurse talking on the phone
saying “my hair might get
the tiniest bit frizzy” the
juxtaposition of such inane
talk next to such unknowable
suffering
• G--- came up to me and showed
me a post it note saying
“excellent presentation, you can
be a second year resident” she
said it was good and concise and
it was honestly very moving to
receive that compliment… too
bad I’m not going to be a
resident!!!!
• not G--- shading the residents…
she asked me what I wanted to
do after quietly complaining that
rounds today were like a “slow motion
movie,” I gave her a version of
my spiel, and she objected a little,
saying “but your presentation was so
excellent, and look at these
residents… second year, third year,
even fellow, and look at them…!”
- taking this as a sort of devilish
temptation to denigrate others and
boost my own ego, which I
hereby reject
• this whole episode of ostomy
prolapse with H---- has
been disturbing… dumping packets
of sugar on her prolapsed intestine,
pouring sugar water in her mouth,
then morphine, in an attempt to
get her to calm down (she was
screaming and yelling as surgeons
tried to push this thing that looks
like a frozen cherry back inside her)
culminating in a surgeon pulling
up a playlist of “shh” sounds
on spotify and holding it next to
the baby’s face