Here I am. We’re so on the precipice, bro. It just fucking hit me. Oh my god. The year is actually ending. This is actually monumental. This is a fucking moment in time. We’re living it. I don’t even have to tell you or remind you to live it, because you are! We are! We’re here!

Oh wow. I really got sicked the fuck out by a▒▒ and a▒▒ this week. I’m so over it. Which came at precisely the right time. It’ll be a good long time before I see them again. Thank god. No offense. It’s just that they’re too insane. Too neurotic. Too tuned into the wrong things. Crazy people, basically.

old habits But I’m here at c▒▒▒ by myself. Perfect. We love to see it, don’t we? Thank god. Listening to some music. I saw R▒▒▒▒▒’s story on instagram and felt myself really actually caring about his music opinions. I think I have a crush on him, obviously, but this one’s gonna be different, I swear. I’m over the whole love thing. Not gonna do too much like dm him saying “hey I’m in love with you” or anything like that. Maybe I could follow him on spotify, but maybe that’s too transgressive.

Change tempo. Was getting too weird. That’s the type of behavior and thinking I’m trying to avoid.

What else is on the ol’ noggin? I went for a walk before I did anything else today (besides smoking weed, obviously I had to do that first. Come on now) and it was a really good one. Noticing things about physics. Tuning into physics in a different way than I have in the past.

Accidentally just yelled “leave me alone” when I saw a text from a▒▒ saying to send pics. NO, BITCH! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! YOU GO LIVE YOUR LIFE DOWN THERE AND STOP TRYING TO FUCKING LEECH OFF MINE! I GET THAT YOU’RE ▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ OR WHATEVER, BUT CAN YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE FOR A MOMENT IN TIME. HER PHONE IS MAKING HER SO FUCKING DEMENTED, BRO. LEAVE IT ALONE.

Slowly bring myself back to equilibrium. No need to be so angry, but also no need to just course correct far away from it. No need to swing the pendulum to the other end of “no, I actually love her so much.” The equilibrium is at a place of resentment, and it’s gonna swing right back there. That’s just what our relationship is. I’m no longer looking for major solutions to the problems. The physics, dude, the physics. I can’t force someone into a different equilibrium than they’re in. I can try to push them, but that’s something I can save for my writing. That’s really the only way that I could reach them, I think. Write something radical. Push the limits. Make them see me as the enigma that we all are. They can then start to see it in themselves.

Meh. New York sucks. It’s so goddamn expensive, even the sublets. Also, do I really wanna live with some random bitch at my big age of 25? It’s crazy. I guess I could just do a studio moment and… I don’t know. It’s annoying to think about. Luckily I have plenty of time to pin down my next move, and I can always just live at home if worst comes to worst. It wouldn’t be that bad. I could figure it out. Find a place to spend my days instead of just being home all the time, rotting, and being constantly reminded of my family’s dysfunction. At least it would just be me and the woods. It would be a really good way to just detach from “it all” and get into my studies and my writing. I just have this sort of reaction formation when I think about being in this house for too long, or for any time at all. It’s all too much.

I also don’t ever wanna have to be responsible for maintenance and shit like that. I don’t want any of it. All the dumbass responsibilities I have to think about as an adult... I hope that they’re more optional than they seem. I know there’s no way to know until you’re in it, and I’m getting ahead of myself, so I’ll just cut that thought off there. No need to stress about living yet.