Is it possible to live an entirely new kind of life? I mean, I know it’s possible in an abstract sense, but is it… logistically possible? I guess the question is… where am I supposed to live? At home, and then… what? I am not making money yet. There’s no money I’m making. Nothing I can really do to live on my own without relying on the kindness of my parents. Is that just something I’m gonna have to get used to? It’s just that it’s so stigmatized in my own mind. I hate that I have to rely on them. I want to be self-sufficient. I wanna be that adult person who is completely self-sufficient. I think that might be a pipe dream. Cuz really none of us are completely self-sufficient. It takes a village to raise a child, but I think it also takes a village to raise an adult. Or… the adults get raised by raising others. I have to live in community with other people. Help the people out. But also just be among them.

Maybe it’s that I need to just move into an orphanage or some shit. Just be the live-in maid for somebody. Maid is the wrong word. Live-in person. Stay at home dad. I think I wanna be a stay at home dad. But not in the lazy ironic internet way. I think I want to actually be there and do the work and raise up those fucking kids. I don’t care about the housework element or anything. I do also wanna be able to make art and write and do all that stuff that I seem to need to do.

I guess the question for this upcoming year is, is it possible to live nomadic? I think this year could really come to define my life going forward. I’m still within the confines of a system, but I have way more flexibility.

i got i got i got i got But again. Something I can figure out later. I think I just want to start being transgressive sooner than later. Doing things differently and in full alignment with the truths that I carry in my biology. That’s a lot of truths! A lot of it exists in my subconscious and a lot of it exists in my genetics. It’s in my DNA, some of the things that I will end up doing. Not in the same way we talk about DNA in science.

Need to get away from science, maybe. I think that could be disrupting the natural things I’ve been trying to do. I never liked it in high school. But then I went to med school for some reason?

Can we talk about that for a moment? Why the fuck did I go to med school? It’s not ever anything I wanted to do. I don’t know what the point of that was. What a weird feeling. It’s striking me for the first time right now that I shouldn’t have done this. This is the first time I’ve actually sort of felt a kind of regret about the whole thing. I never wanted to do it. I just attached myself to the nearest linguistic approximation of the nebulous idea for what I wanted to do in my mind, and those words ended up being “psychiatry” and “neurology.” and then it was a series of erors after that, or rather a case of one error propagating for months and eventually years. Yes, I’m at the end of a long series of yes, anding my previous error. I didn’t give it any critical thought at the time.

psychiatry I remember when R▒▒▒▒ asked me why I wanted to do medicine. She was the only person who ever really asked me that question, and it completely sticks out in my mind. We were going for a walk in the woods.

Holy shit. We were supposed to be much better friends, R▒▒▒▒ and I. I still have her fucking location for Christ sakes. I think we’re supposed to be friends. The trio was never supposed to be split up. Let me go take a look at our messages conversation to see an objective account of what our relationship was like, or at least what our shadows talked about.

That was honestly sad. It was a very lovely and supportive friendship. I’ve never had another friend like R▒▒▒▒, ever before and never since. Sometimes that’s how things go, I guess? I just don’t like who it makes me. I mean it makes me a supportive friend to P▒▒▒, but it also makes me kind of fake and gay to R▒▒▒▒. I think we’re supposed to be friends still, but it seems pretty near impossible while being friends with P▒▒▒. That’s how things go, I guess. Keep moving forward, though? Ugh. It’s hard to when you have regrets about the past. I got some regrets, but my past won’t keep me from my best. Kendrick said it. I wanna do something else. Watch something? Ugh, I’m stuck in a little cycle today. It was destined to be a weird day when it started with nonstop travel and waking up four and a half hours ago and the sun is already going down.