ohhhhhhh, okay.

i’m still realizing what it’s like to be sober, and dusk is approaching, and i’m sitting in this perfect position..... and it feels good. i woke up from a really nice nap that i fell into quite naturally. it was amazing. i loved it.

i’m looking at my journal, the one that p▒▒▒▒ got me at one point, for some kind of occasion, and i think back to the day i had. i looked in my car this morning, and i turned it on to make sure the engine can still run, and indeed it can. i took the journal from the trunk, and i read it, and i realized i’m boy crazy, and i have been for as long as i can remember.

i’m boy crazy. there, i said it. it’s a good thing there is a name for it, because what else would we even be able to call this thing that i’ve got going on?

die hard i always have to have a crush. or else things are just... you know, i don’t know what happens, actually, when i don’t have one. might it be that my life actually gets better? it’s possible. but who knows, and who’s to say?

i tend to attach myself to the outcome of the crush liking me back, such that when someone does finally like me back, i get really super duper attached to them, and it’s sort of dangerous in a sense. it’s a little dangerous, yes, because then something like m▒▒▒▒ happens........ when you get that perfect storm of me liking someone and the other person liking me back... it’s sort of difficult when both those things align, because then i end up in a two-year relationship that is actually terrible.

i haven’t talked to any of my family in a little bit now. it’s been like a week or so, which is fine. i tend to come in and out of their lives in this erratic sort of way. and that’s how it goes.

am i staying in this city, by the way? this is not a decision that needs to be made.

the point is still the point. the blues are still blue.

everything feels better and more normal in this sobriety. even the state of disarray of my apartment feels okay. it feels better, it feels okay, like i could take care of it any time, and i’m not exactly dissociating from it, it’s just that i’m not cleaning it right now. lol. right?

the sobriety is not a magic fix-all kind of thing. sobriety is not a panacea, and i don’t think i ever expected or wished for it to be....

but man ,,,, huh, right now i get this idea of like... it’s seven pm, still got some time before bed, just about a perfect amount of time, wouldn’t you say, to smoke... i could really smoke right now, and that would feel really good.

but i think my mind works better when it’s sober, so i’m going to let it stay sober right now. i’m keeping it sober, taking another twenty-four.

“taking another twenty-four” has helped me so much. it feels so good. it makes the days feel shorter. it has this implication that twenty-four isn’t that many, and it’s possible to take them, and it’s not so bad. twenty-four.... anyone can get through twenty-four of anything, wouldn’t you say? it’s not so bad. we can do this. we can do this! i believe.

i was reading the journal earlier, like i said, and i tracked the first instance of seeing that med school might not have been for me. it was in the spring of the first year of school. it was strange because at the same time, i was in that fuckass relationship that i didn’t yet know wasn’t working.... or, no, i did fully know it wasn’t working, and i had already taken a break from it and then a full break-UP from it, and so..... i’m not sure. i think the root of my unhappiness at the time was probably medical schoool.... it was probably medical school. but look at me now. i’m at the end of it. officially. the winter is turning into spring.

i’m not going to have that as an excuse for anything anymore, and i thank god for that. i’ll be able to enter into whatever life it is that i’m supposed to live... i’m going to get whatever job i am or am not supposed to have. i’m going to do whatever it is that i’m supposed to do next, and i look forward to it!!! i’m just looking forward is all. you know?

when i stop looking forward and look at what is happening right now, i’m sort of like... huh! this is great. this is fine and good, this apartment in disarray, aren’t i so lucky to have an apartment that can be in disarray?

big talk i watched a lot of youtube shorts today, because i couldn’t resist. as much as i talk about hating the two-dimensional world and wanting to go touch grass and talk to real people, the truth is i haven’t talked to anyone today, really, not anyone at all. today is april fifth, and i haven’t talked to anyone but myself.

sunshine....... belle and sebastian..... farming... touching grass... we all see the same sky... driving... windows down.. music playing, friends in the seats of the car... h▒▒▒▒, f▒▒▒▒..... s▒▒▒▒, f▒▒▒.....

and i’m still sober. still going to go ahead and take that next twenty-four.

in the more immediate future... man, yeah the immediate future is a little more booty cheeks. but it’s still going to be fun. it’s just not going to be as gnostic fun as the future seemingly is going to be.

the celebration of med school ending, that shit is going to be a nightmare... in a positive way. it’s like... something so fucking good that it becomes evil, you know? it’s going to feel so good that it’s going to be despicably bad somehow.

it strikes me today how long i’ve been in this shit. freshman year of med school, bro, that shit was different. but now it starts to feel the same, doesn’t it? now that we’re all back to the classroom, and i have to be talking to all these fuckers like c▒▒▒, and t▒▒▒▒, who seems to be intentionally not giving me the time of day. i just have to laugh. all i gotta do is show up. there’s not really anything to dread about it, is there... nothing to really dread, it’s all just sort of fine, isn’t it, you know.

yeah. so tomorrow... so today... so yesterday... so everything.

somebody said that depression is about the past and anxiety is about the future. so then the present, is that just health, is that just regulation? if you’re able to live fully in the present... conscious... if you’re able to focus only on what is happening right now, sza playing....

this album is good. i love sza.