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earlier

To think

I was just in new york now I’m in Poland Real talk right now I’m sorta over new York? Idk how to explain it but the last time i was there I just felt like I had nothing to contribute and nobody was contributing to me either. I think I could accomplish the life I want to live outside of new york? But it begs the question of what kind of life I actually want to live I don’t think I’m brave enough to martyr myself for decolonization I’m not brave enough to go on the front lines of any struggle for national liberation or what have you I’m not brave enough for really anything Although that decision can be made or unmade in a moment’s notice, as it were.... made and unmade.... Gotta start taking more photos and it took ██████ being disappointed that I didn't have any evidence of the pro-horse protest earlier to convince me But here we are in polaland and it’s a different vibe from greece And like man i could say some shit about how nothing is different from anything, especially not fuckass european countries but I’m already exhausted by the thought And exhausted in general iii suppose But i feel like I might have gotten snapped right into place when it comes to the time difference like I sorta feel like egosyntonic with the time change right now which is great I think the thing is like.... I’m recognizing humanity as just like organismal like we're all just fucking organisms dude and we have enough complexity to convince ourselves that we can think deeply about things and indeed we can but I think the complexity also manifests in overcomplicating things that coud really be quite simple So I’m just going to let it be simple maybe foerever? Is that crazy if I just like let myseflf continue to get.... But no I don’t want to get swept away and just be one of theeee cogs in the relentless machine But I do have a lot of faith and trust in nature and believe that the climate-related catastrophe coming our way is going to do more for the world than any one human effort could do So perhaps it's more reasonable right now to just like keep doing me? I thinnk that’s always the rereasonable thing, but the question is like where and how to do it and with what job or do I just remain unemployed like what is it giving ultimately at the end of the day what the fuck is it giving? I can make this as simple or as complex as I want

The most simplified version

of life could really be extremely simple I wouldn’t even have to spend any money I could just go for the monastic path and relying on kindness of friends you know I could easily just rely on friends' kindness forever It could be as simple as just you know like living in the mountains somewhere Simplification in every sense of the word could really hit dfifferently I could just like give it up forever no more wage slaving no more slave to anything I can enjoy the kind of freedom that is really rare on human earth I could simplify alll the way down and have just you know... .return to s astete of nature... In ishamel the gorilla talks about how there used to be so much abundance that food was not thought of in a discrete way, it was just a part of the daily, you know——it was just sooooo entwined with everything..... but now there are, you know, those, like, fuckinggggggg fences made up offffff, uhhhh, fabric... what are those fucking things called, the gate things, the fence things they useeee... it’s like rope but not rope, it’s like the thinnnn rectangular wiring ... fukcking what are those things called? The fences they use at airports and stuff.... now the food is blocked from us by those things,,,,,,,,,, and it’s gatekept behind counters and money..... the food requires payment, there’s no grazing anymore, it’s impossibilelee ot ooooooo graz fereeely. And when ██████ says I can just write, perhaps that’s what I’ll write about. It’ll be a book called the impossibility of grazing freely and it’ll just be about how wwe neeeed to pay for food and how isnt’t that sort of sad and abusrd?and I can write any number of other books on any number of other topficsk and perhaps I can hide some kind of shciopzophrenic code inside like people iwllr read it and itl’ll’l teach the mselmmmmthting but also like...b Like lets just do it baby I know the law Play that Olivia rodriogoo album backwards and feeeeel what hidden messages have been waiting for us this whole time And to be fair I don’t think it’s been tried so like what if we just did it? Wouldmagamnangaemet fujk kill me if I heattttt their I'm so deliriously tired but it's quite possible to just live a very simple life I don’t have to get enmployed I could live the rest of my life unemployed as fuck I can receive the benefits forever isn’t that right? Can I just get eunemployment vbenefits how do those work, how do I get tto receive unemployed/? I’m so tired I’m so tired so itired so stosot ried so tired iiiiiiii put it all on a tshirt bptut he wholeeeeeeee recor d of everything I’ve ever written on a tshirt In Poland and. What thehello do we now... gonnnnnna waer a ridiculous outfit and people should be scared like I reall y don’t give a fuck anymore oyou all shoul d be scared of me im going to start dressing and there might be some casualities Tomorrow conference what the hell sure we’re in Krakow we’re in Poland what am I doing here what are any of us doing here nobody has a right to b ehere where’s my water bottle? Right next to my bed aka where e it belongs But yeah I felt a pain that I had never felt while trying to lift myself up just now, not just now but before I started writing this, owing to theeee possibly bruised coccyx I sustained in Colorado falling into the flowerbed......... it just like pulled on it in such a way that made me be like oh god I’m.... I feel my ass bone sinking out of me... Anwayway America what is America when you come here? America seems to cease to exist but somehow I feel it even stronger I feel my own Americanness so strongly when I’m here eepsecally in a cty like this where there are really very few americans and it’s like why are you even here as an American just like what businessss. Do you have as a n amerianca in Krakow??? But it makes me feel srot of nationalistic too it’s like you know what yeah I’m an American this is my voice and I can only speak English I’m hopeleslslly incompetent so you know I’m just going to keep on bubmlign around and expecting everyone else to get with MY program which is the main program and I know it is because all of your culture is like based around what the americans are doing isn’t it But really it’s just the capitalism pervading everything if this place looks like America it’s because it’s capitalist and America sort of wrote the book on capitalism we wrote the book the instrtuction manual there’s kids' books about it we can really put you onto thsicer y ppspspsppspspspeciifc... I need a knicks hat as soon as possible like I really neeed to represent new york e Even though I was just saying I’m not feleling it anymore and might wanna get out But get out and go where you know like do I just become a full on nomad and neverrrr stay in one place aagagin, could be fun could be fun we could always just do that I could always just like invest in a fucking van but like howwwww lonely would it be... Anyway ant there are holes you can poke in every single possible idea you have but we’re shortly going to reach the moement when you have to choose one of them... or hopefully the secret third option which has yetttt to prrresestn itsel.f.... anyway yeah looking f orarewrd to it. And a lot’s gonna change in your life!!! I’m so excited to fall asleepe you honeslty have no idea this has been a long time coming I’m just like so happy to have the chance to sleep I just fell asleep watching love is blind Poland with ██████ and it was awesome she said she heard me deep breathing like I was fully fucking sleeeeeeeep therefunny how you cannnn b e adiffernet person while asleep versus awake like I’m not one to heavy breathe while awake but I’m fully free while asleep and I can talk in my sleeeep I can breathe louder I can do anything, and I have no control over it, but it’s still seen as me by the person around me, so then iiiiit has to b eme, lieke that ssi bme..... that is me they look at me with totally neutral faces... taotatally neutral totally nueeutral adnddd it drive sme crazy to knot ttttt know wahty’re I’ll always... I can lays with you Biut eacesdropping on thesiatairs would be more funthan being an actual participant Not onlymorefun but this is where shit Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh lllllllll No more counterfactuals I’m sorta only interested in factuals anymore tomorrow night