This time I promise to do better. I have to. I know that I have to do better if I want to keep going. Onward and upward. I can’t slip away now.

I don’t want to make mandalas. I want to make things that are going to last forever.

There is still a lot i have to learn in this life, I think. It seems like I’m still not quite ready for the end of cyclic existence. I dont know what it’s going to take for me to be ready, to be honest. I could chock it up to the time I was born. It isn’t the best time for anyone to become enlightened. But at the same time, you can’t deny that this rebirth is way too good. It’s way too suited to a good shot at getting this shit done in one life. I need to find a guru and tell them my story and seek help from them. That’s what i need. Some kind of spiritual advisor who can counsel me on what to do. And I don’t want a psychotherapist or anyone who’s going to take the things I say and turn them against me and tell me that I have damage inside of me. I don’t believe that for a second, not even from the hypothetical person I'm inventing in my mind.

I guess it wouldn’t be realistic for me to believe the hypothetical psychotherapist. That’s the whole reason they’re hypothetical. It’s a strawman. I’m setting up this fake thing and then decisively defeating the fake thing. The real reality is always so different than i can imagine, yet I continue trying to imagine things and getting all caught up in the future and stuff. And spirlaing into rumination.

The things that have started to stack up are threatening to calicify into the present and precipitate into the past. That’s the fear.

What i need to do instead is to continue offering kindling to each fire so they don’t go out. In theory, i should’ve studied for step 2 today to keep that fire burning since i didn’t do much studying yesterday, but I didn’t even open my practice questions. Something about the sabbath and playing pokemon. I wasn’t ready to give my time to something that wasn’t my own shit.

I didn’t move my body that much today. Maybe a little bit of walking around and attempts at dancing. But nothing that crazy or serious. It was a whole lot of me sitting around playing pokemon. That’s pretty much it. It’s about the only thing i did today besides watching tv and random videos.

I’ll come down with these rulings for myself, stuff like 'the screens are not what you want, and we all know it, so stop going back to the screens,' and then i go back to the screens. The truth is, in this phase of life, i really don’t have any idea what i’m doing. I think I’m starting to figure it out, and I think that’s good and stuff, and it’s like... things are getting figured out slowly but surely or whatever, but there’s still a little lag when it comes to other stuff like everyday life. Especially when I’m left fully to my own devices. What’s a girl to do in a situation like that, where the house is empty and there are no boys around, and......

I can’t fuck it up now. Watching everyone scramble around in their late capitalist version of samsara, talking about the scandal of homegoods not knowing where their store items are coming from.....

I often find that there is a certain underlying truth or story waiting to be told, or a way of gaming the system not readily available on the surface…………………………… how do we make it so people can actually care about it?

It’s sad to see someone reach older age and try to keep going, trying not to fade into irrelevance, but fading fast. It’s just sad to see someone grow older but not at all wiser—if anything, just more calcified. It’s just sad.

Maybe what i need to do is start being a fucking hater on the internet. I can just be randomly pissed about everything or point out how sad it is that someone could be so taken with all these things……

The more i think about making things the more it just starts to feel like content. All the marketing bullshit, trying to get your shit out there, somehow it all feels so useless, worthless. What i want to do is make shit that someone stumbles upon and starts reading and is forever changed by or something. I don’t want to make content. I refuse to make content.

moves Pokemon is not content. That shit is art, and it’s companionship for me and the people in my brain. We love the pokemon, we love the strategy and the mechanics and the writing and the random ass NPCs who have entire lives seemingly fully within the system of the game. And i’ll have a tyranitar in the next few days it seems. Never thought i’d find myself raising a future tyranitar. It’s hard to raise that one because you sort of have to be obsessed with potential. Nobody really wants to use a pupitar. The rock/ground typing is so bad as you start to get up there in the late thirties. Ten levels ago the larvitar was honestly putting in work and i loved its animations and shit…. But now pupitar is totally fading into the background as the game evolves.

Anyway, see, there are so many more opportunities for narrative and storytelling and all that.

Remembering when I was mentally ill and dr w--- had to come rescue me from crying uncontrollably in the bathroom and he had to escort me out and take me to the bridge and he said 'now you’re never going to forget this.' And i haven’t forgotten. I would like to tell him that. I would like to say to him 'hey, o-- w----, you know when that happened? I never ever forgot it. And i never ever will forget it. I never will. It’s burned into my mind as one of the purest moments of grace and rehabilitation and sitting on the ground. He brought me back down to reality with his three-piece suit on. That guy is something else. And he has equipped me in with the same kind of capabilities to sit with someone in the hardest moments of their lives and be there with them and be like 'hey, bitch, i see what you’re going through and it fucking sucks and i love you and i’m here for you and here with you. This is us two together right here in this moment right now.' Isn’t that one of the most special feelings you can think of?