I’m down by the river again but feeling a little better. Well, no, to be honest, i felt pretty good last time i was here, too. Should we unpack that? How i felt paradoxically good? I’m pretty sure i felt good. I felt good becuase i had already hit worst case scenario levels of situationness. That was pretty much worst case, there, wasn’t it? Having to walk out of rounds and go far, far away, to this faraway park.

work It feels to weird to have been set free from work so early in the day. I think that’s a blessing that i haven’t quite looked in the face yet. i think looking it in the face would mean an end to this anxiety i felt most of the day.

It wasn't too bad of an anxiety, just the kind of thing that makes all of your interactions feel slightly more labored. You can’t expect everything to be magical all the time, but i must say it was magical this the morning. The day started off pretty magically. The residents and me, down there in the cafeteria, chumming it up. Queening out. It felt good. I saw L-- E--- and narrowly avoided an awkward situation. We made eye contact twice, and then i remembered we'd been something like friends a few years back. Luckily, we locked eyes for a third time, and that's when i said 'hey queen' and he went in for a hug, confirming that we know each other and are even on hugging terms. I'm not used to people remembering me.

Part of what’s making me anxious today is a presentation I gave on a patient I'm following. I presented my patient as usual, but it was like... i don’t know if people think i’m joking or something, or if they don’t take me seriously or something...

As i wrote that, it sunk in that it doesn’t matter at all.

This month is about optimizing my communication. As much as it is about survival, it is about forming relationships.

That’s enough self-analysis for now. Let’s go back to reading the Mahabharata. Headphones dead. Full reading mode. Outdoor office. Picnic table at the park. Guy with his shirt off walking past me. He looks gay: iced coffee, gay-looking head, colorful shorts. Gay person. i’ll leave you with that. Oh, the final image, actually, is the huge fucking american flag billowing so beautifully in the breeze across the river. Okay, laters.