I’m down by the river again but feeling a little more, err.... Well, no, to be honest, i felt pretty good last time i was here, too. Should we unpack that? How i actually felt ostensibly paradoxically good? I’m pretty sure i felt good. I felt good becuase i had already hit worst case scenario levels of situationness. That was pretty much worst case, there, wasn’t it? Having to walk out of rounds and go far, far away to this faraway park. You gotta cut through some shit to get here. You gotta work for it.

It feels to weird to have been set free from work so early in the day. I think that’s a blessing that i haven’t quite looked in the face yet. i think looking it in the face would mean an end to this anxiety i’m feeling and have been feeling most of the day so far.

It’s not too bad of an anxiety, just the kind of thing that gives you pause and makes all of your interactions feel slightly more labored, and you don't feel quite the same as you felt the last time you were here, which, granted, was on a friday, so spirits were likely up for friday reasons. You can’t expect everything to be magical all the time—at least not on a monday—though i must say it was magical this the morning. It was actually really magical in the morning. We were down there in the cafeteria. Chumming it up. Queening out. It felt good. i saw L-- E--- and barely avoided a would-be awkward situation. We made eye contact passingly, twice, and then i remembered we had at least one interaction years ago that might suggest friendship, so when we locked eyes for a third time, i was like 'hey queen' and he went in for a hug, confirming that we know each other and are on a fond hello basis. I am a little awkward and not used to people seeing me.

When we locked eyes the first time, i thought he must have been looking at someone behind me, and i had to tell myself 'no, bitch, he’s looking at you, you’re looking at each other.' Split second decisions: some are spot-on, some spot-off.

The second time felt so wrong: looking at someone you know you know and you know they know you but you don’t know how well you know each other. Come to find out you apparently you know each other well enough to be on hugging terms so you hug.

There you go, i guess. i guess we’re on hugging terms, which feels nice. It’s nice to hug people.

Just a funny interaction, i guess... a near-miss that almost prevented the morning from being fully awesome.

Part of what’s making me anxious today is the presentation. I presented my patient as usual, but it was like... i don’t know if people think i’m joking or something, or if they don’t take me seriously or something...

As i wrote that it sunk in that it doesn’t matter at all. i don't take myself seriously enough to know what i’m doing after graudation; of course they don't take me seriously. All these people asking me shit as if i’m supposed to know what’s happening to me immediately after graduation. First of all, i don't even know what i'm doing right now. Calm down.

I don’t know my plan for post-grad. I’m going to fuck around and find out. It’s september, guys. Right now i’m surviving medical school, which sort of takes my whole thing. Also, how could i plan so far ahead in a life that is already so uncertain? Come on now, y'all. No, i don’t know what i’m doing after med school.

People ask if i'm religious when i tell them i want to be a chaplain. i always dance around it. i’m a buddhist. i’m a lay buddhist. i’m a lay buddhist. i think i start there next time.

Am i really a lay buddhist though? i just learned about the five precepts. i’m pretty good on all but the fifth one (abstinence from alcohol and shit like that). Maybe i gotta start abiding by it. Okay, yeah, i’ll abstain from alcohol and weed, i can try that. I can at least try working them out of the works. i’m a lay budddhist.

lay up This month is about optimizing my communication. As much as it is about survival, it is about forming relationships. These are great people whose inane questions i feel the need to answer. i can answer their questions without narrativizing. Nobody actually cares. I can just answer the questions.

A touch of overthinking there, maybe. i think what prevents me from doing the whole buddhist spiel is the white-man-into-buddhism thing. God forbid i’m ever that person. i don’t want to be that person. But i suppose i’ve gotten myself into trouble by trying to prophylactically prevent people from making certain assumptions about me, a practice that seems to invite more problems while (seemingly) avoiding another. In this case i’m avoiding the stereotype of a white person who considers himself 'buddhist,' but i'm also oversharing.

i can similarly optimize my communication when they ask why i don’t apply to residency. i don’t want to be a doctor. There, it’s that simple.

Let's review.

'What are you applying into?'

'i’m not applying to residency; i don’t want to be a doctor.'

'What are you doing instead?'

rehearsal 'i don't know.'

'What do you think you would you do?' 'Become a chaplain, or be a foster parent, or start a daycare. i might open an orphanage or something. Do they still have orphanages?'

I'd be more concise, though, of course. And then, finally,

'Oh, are you religious?'

'Yes, i’m a lay practitioner of buddhism.'

The whole problem with considering myself a lay practitioner would be the weed thing, but look, i'm sober right now, aren't i? i hereby start my life of sobriety. Question mark.

That’s enough self-analysis for now. Let’s go back to reading this epic. Headphones dead. Full reading mode. Outdoor office. Guy with his shirt off walking past me. He looks gay based on the iced coffee and how his head looks and his colorful shorts. His whole thing is clearly gay. Gay person. i’ll leave you with that. Oh, the final image, actually, is the huge fucking american flag billowing so beautifully in the breeze across the river. Okay, laters.