I’m sitting in the on-call room feeling this low-level, baseline anxiety, possibly as a result of having the sort of loose thread of my presentation or something like that....

C------- told me that i should follow two patients as long as i’m here, which feels like a good compromise between what I’ve been told, which is that the goal is three at a time, and my bare minimum aspirations, which is one at a time. In reality, I really do think it would even possibly be nicer to just follow zero patients. Follow, as in... like..... Just doing the math on them at the beginning of the day and reading off the piece of paper during rounds? Idk man. Idk man. Idk man. I just sort of....

C------- also asked me what are my goals for this rotation, which is honestly a good question, and my true answer is just to survive. Like, literally, my only goal here is to survive. It’s also to talk to families and be there with the newborns when possible, and also to, like... help out the residents, because their job kinda sucks....... So I told him all of those things, aside from the “i just want to survive” thing...... and I felt a sort of tepid response from him.... i’m not sure what to make of him just yet. I feel like... our rapport should be stronger given the A-- connection, but like.... Huh. i don’t know, actually. I guess I had taken for granted that i would LOVE him because A-- told me I would, but..... I guess I can’t take things like that for granted and stuff........

E---- said if he really doesn’t want her here she can sign out right now. I know..... I could like...... I could also get signed out now. I would like to get signed out. I would like to sign out or receive signout or whatever...

Anyway, I’m trying to now make it my mission to read the