anthill

Uhhhhhhhh yeah the telescope episode of bojack. How did we used to be so close and now we’re so far.... And now we’re so far, and bojack is just repeating the mistakes made by the person... man. He just.... Wants forgiveness so bad he’s willing to try making the mistake of the person hhheee wants forgiveness from? Like bro is not learning any of the lesssons of himself or those around him he’s a truly tragic figure an anti hero for the twenty tens and it’s the best show ever I’m convinced of it... I’m firmly convinced this is the best show. This is how it was... this is how it was. It’s not like this anymore. They don’t make em like bojack anymore. A show like bojack doesn’t even seem possible anymore. It really just doesn’t seem possible..... fuck me.

I was so distragught watching fucking what’s it called... obsession dude. I’m just so distraught this is the world we’re living in where this is the most hyped movie right now and meanwhile joker folie a deux got crickets from everyone in the mainstream media and even in the subcutlurures in the counterculuture it also got no fucking respect because.... Nobody fucking watched it..... I swear bro, I swear....

Sneezes always come at times when some truth is being accessed, I feel this way. And so being around allergic substances means the truth is going to come to you more and more, the truth probably ultimately circling back to suffering..j..... suffering, though, just being a sort of limit, some other thing.

Suffering not being the most fundamental thing, but suffering only repesrsenting something about something more fundamental, something about limits, something about thresholds, something about these things happening, things happening in life, things actually happening, changes being made... you know, something that simple, something that elemental. There is one fundamental element of life... I suppose there are multiple, and I suppose that’s backed by chemistry, and iiiiiiiii am more inclined to trust some truth that feels supported by chemistry than one with no chemical support. But then what truths do you ever find that can’t be backed up by one of the sicneces? And why are...... man, at a certain point there needs to be just like.... It all needs to get into the nondualism thing. These things are not different from one another. The same truths are getting refracted through all these seemingly differentttttt lenses, they’re all just like reflective surfaces on the same diamond or some shit. Don’t listen to that last part. That was horrible. I’m not cosigning that sentence. I’d delete that sentence if I were me. I’d just go ahead and delete it ... ig nore it. I don’t stand by that. It doesn’t make as much sense as it could. Don’t go quoting things. Don’t go quoting me on literally anything. The quotes taken out of context are just meaningless. You need the full stuff all around it you need to cut as little as possible from your shit like at a certain point, ant, what becomes the point of censoring yourself in any way, why would you not just start letting it rpipipipipi completely and fully and totally? Why would you not start just fully sending these shits into the void into the ehethhter that is the anthillll, deleteinggg any connection to yourself and your privacy, your privacy being such a thinnnnnly grasped thing anyway... not really even existing at all... it doesn’t really exist at all is what I’m saying.

▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ? ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ . ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒ ▒ ▒▒▒ ▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒. ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒.

▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ . ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒. ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒.

▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒. ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ . ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒.

But all of this right here amounts to premeditation, and we’re trying to set ourselves up for a no premeditation summer. LMFAO you know the irony is not lost on me there. That’s the fun part of it. Maybe it’s also like paradox summer. I guess implicitly it will be paradox xsummer if it’s no premeditation summer and we’re premeditating what kind of summer it’ll be.

But fuck this I’m starting to get like a little stir crazy or weed crazy or something. I feel like my energy is shifting out of wack for real. Likkkkkkkkkkkkkke all is not well in my psyche I can just tell right now. Things are nottttt..... things are not you know like happy perfect raindbow sunshine up there. I mean yeah they kinda are but they also kinda aren't. Everything just sorta feels like business as usual when what I want is something to really seriously change. I want change I want some kind of drastic radical change i feel like I’m ready for one I’m ready for some kind of external shift something I can really actually respond to not just this status quo bullshit wehre we’re in this little socialistiiiiiiii utopia but it’s also so very deeply capitalist iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii and you know just the businesss as usual of it all, the men wearing aggressively open-toeddd shoes, all that. I’m just put off by it to be hoenst with you. I’m put off by some of this yuppie stuff in the burbs and in the uhhh cities. ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ be more in the outskirts like are there any little place slike ethat, I’m sure there are. Like deep rural serious rural. Cuz what they got going on here is not fuckin rural lol. You aint gonna seeeee these kinda thermostats on the walls in a truly rural place. The kind where there’s no buttons just like touch screeeeeeen lookin thing with up and down arrows and it’s not as responsive as a button obviously because why would the newer fancier things be better/ ??? uhhhhhhhhhh yeah.

pride Identity is always a prison and I’m not going to associate with any form of identity, no label no nothing. I’m not going to do it. I’m refusing to it.... Happy pride month but ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ LMFAO. What am i even saying at this point. I love those motherfuckers they’re my family they’re who I feeellllll like honestly aaaa crazyyy amount of myself around. It’s just the identityness of it all. I refuse to identify myself as a gay man or even gay or even a man. I’m not going to identify myself as a Latina because that’s just not true.... I’m more of a gay man than I am a Latina, but still. I’m also not a gay man.... I’m not a trans woman. I’m not trans.... Errr no I am trans. That one really does actually feel most resonant like I play the word trans in my mind and it just like shimmers and echoes and relfelcts down the walls and it’s like yes I’m trans that much is clear but like yeah that’s about it... and even that is an identity, even that can be shed like an exoskeleton that I’ve outgrown or i’m at least likeeeeeeee swelling up and causing to break offfffffffffffffffffff.... Right, right.

I know I don’t like looking at the screen but then times like this come where I want to stay up late for no reason and I’m like well the one way to do that would be to look at the screen, or to look at the screen of a page of a book... neither of which I want to do at all frankly, at all. I’m not interested in doing either of those things at alllllllll. And thank god I can point that out.

Like I don’t even want to edit anything to throw into the anthill. I don’t even want to dooo that! I don’t want to do any of it to be frank and honest and plain with you! I don’t want to be doing anyyyy offf itt.... .none of it any of it none of it any of it none of it.... I’m off the grid... or trying to be.

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There’s nothing to worry about now. I got this shit. And the little mild anxiety I was feeling about ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒........ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒... it’s fine!

And now.... What’s that.... I should smoke more weed?!

No. ew. I shouldn’t, of course I shouldn’t, and I won'tttt... but i will eat this damn clementine and look at my screen even though I don’t want to do that.... Either. But .... Should I just... then..... eat the clementine?