Here the fuck we are. Let’s fucking go. Day sixteen of twenty-one. This shit easy. We’re so here, and we’re so back.

I saw I----- from week one in the elevator. Well, i saw her before I got in the elevator.

O--- just described the tumor to the new resident and said it’s 'kind of nasty.' Like, yeah, I guess it is, but also, girl, come on. Where’s the love. Where’s the empathy. We need to have a deeper conversation about this child. But i don’t know if anyone is going to be interested in having that conversation. I mean, maybe someone is, but shit, even I’m finding myself less interested in having it as time goes on. I’m inclined to just accept how things are going with him. But that’s the kind of inertia that’s got us here in the first place. Each attending comes in and out and is just like 'welp, let’s stay the course, I guess.' It’s pretty fucked up, I should think. I do think.

She said he has a sedation plan, and we took off the methadone yesterday. We got an EKG. Barriers to discharge are ruling out biliary atresia (d-bili has been consistently elevated despite stopping TPN).

The new resident, I didn’t quite catch her name, but she does have a certain vibe of.... Well, I said to the group that I had a bad dream about one of the babies last night where he was going to die, basically. And then this new resident was like 'you need to separate work from home. You need to leave work at work so that way you don’t have dreams.' Girl, do you remember how dreams work? Do you .... Are you able to control your dreams? Are you able to control which dreams you have and don’t have? It was just kind of an annoy

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T---- told me i should get out of the on-call room and go look out a window or something, and she was a genius for that. A literal genius. Oh my god. It feels so much better to look out a window and have something to look out at. Imagine seeing the sky.

I have to now acknowledge the fact that we are..... Ugh, oh god. Ugh, oh god. I’m now..... I’m now... fucking..... Ugh. There’s the news playing on the tv, and they’re talking about the mayoral election. Shut the fuck up, i’m not interested in this. I’m not interested in hearing about news. I’m done with it. I’m wanting it to let me look out the window and focus on what i want to focus right now. But this is the cost, apparently, of sitting here in the family room. And i know we’re not supposed to sit out here, and it's supposed to be reserved for the families, but i’m going to continue sitting in here, because yes of course i am. I’m going to sit in here and look down at the courtyard, and look across the way at what could be apartments or could be offices or could be hospital shits. I don’t know what it is, quite frankly, but it does look like it’s somehow connected to the hospital, so we have to imagine that it’s hospital, rihgt? I guess i may never know. i can only make my little guesses and predictions.

I also want to comment on this whole thing of keeping families updated on the science behind what is happening to their family members. I don’t think people need all this fuckin information that the residents give them. Like O--- saying to a family member that their baby's potassium came back high, but it was a hemolyzed specimen so may not be accurate. At that point just call it normal and say the baby is fine. We got labs and they came back unsuspicious. I get the whole 'providing any information at all is something for the family to grasp and thereby see that we are actually doing things for the baby' thing, but come on now. We don’t need to be doing all that.

Now the news is talking about how there's traffic. Oh my god, this is so neurotic. I’m so finished. I’m done with this shit. I don’t want.... I don’t want.

Oh wow, trump is going to the UN today? That’s kinda insane. What is gonna happen? What is going to happen. Ohhhh, kids are off school for the jewish holiday today. Rosh hashanah. Say the name of the holiday, hello. Let’s say the words.

Kamala promoting her new book. And the spokesperson of the person of the uhh.....

She was asked if she supports mamdani forrrrr mayor and she said yes. So that’s good, i guess. The democratic party is finally rising..... They’re finally like..... Kamala talking to rachel maddow. Oh my god, dude, this whole news watching phenomenon is annoying to me. I don’t need or want to see this shit. I don’t want or need to see this, or hear it. It’s fragmenting my revolutionary consciousness. Can we stop. Can we just stop with all of it. Can we stoppppp can we stop listening to the music and the news. Can i stopppp can i stop can i stop.

Can i just stop. I’m done with it. I’m done with it. They’re like.... I’m just like...... i don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. All this commentary. All this commentary is bothersome to me. I hate even having it in the background, and you can see how it interferes with my whole thought process. i don’t want to have to listen to this shit, and instead, i am going to hum. Instead, i’m going to hum, instead of that, and that will allow me to find a little bit more peace, and it'll help me tune out the tv, and i’ll stop hearing the tv.

See, the problem is this bit right here, the advertisements they play. In a perfect world we will not do ads anymore. We won’t have commercials. We will ban all commercials. Like this commercial for hispanic heritage month sponsored by spectrum. Fuck you, spectrum. It’s really fucked up. It can never just be someone advertising hispanic heritage month out of the goodness of their heart. It’s gotta be a fucking corporation, and one as grifty as spectrum, who’s doing it. I don’t like or trust spectrum at all. I’m over it, i’m done with it, i’m fucking over it and done with it. I’m so sick of this shit. I’m so sick of this shit. I might have to go back to the on-call room, or better yet go outside or some shit. Go for a little walk maybe.

Let’s get the fuck out of here before these commercials end up pissing me off, and so that i can give up this seat to a family, a parent who’s actually here and entitled to the usage of this room. Okay, bye now.