New team today. This is freaky. H------- is still here, and I’m realizing upon seeing her that I already miss her and the rest of that team. The realest of all time. I will surely miss them as I acquaint myself with these new people. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE is sort of how i’m feeling right now. I’ll have to get in their good graces. I looked at O--- just now, but we didn’t say anything.

The question of hierarchy is up first as I try to determine who is the senior resident. Not sure if it’ll be O--- or one of the other yet-unnamed people.

The baby i've been following is still FUCKING here just like I FUCKING thought, just like I advised. It’s almost like I do know what the fuck is going on and I’m competent and if we had just listened to me maybe we would’ve been a little better prepared for this whole fuckin thing.

But i’m going to try going into this week with a strong mindset and good attitude and a willingness to participate in the team and help them all out and stuff like that. It’s best if I bring a sense of positivity into this thing, because then it’ll make the team run smoothly just like it did the first three weeks.

'First three weeks' is an insane concept.... What do you mean, this is week four? Give it up for day 15..... Spongebob...... day 15........ Holy shit, dude. I feel like this has been my whole life or something. This version of me has lived his entire life here on this seventh floor of the hospital. And now all these new people are coming in.... God, no.... I miss C------- and Y--- and E---- and H------- and...... was there anyone else? No, that was the whole squad... that was the family.... I miss y’all.... Come back to me, please, please.... Please come back.... I miss you guys.....

But i haven’t met the new people yet and haven’t given them a chance to be cool and nice like the other team was. I need to give them a chance, and i also need to give myself a chance to introduce myself to them. I just didn’t want to do it while H------- was talking. I’ll do it at some point. I’m just trying to be a friendly face, and nonthreatening, and also welcoming. i imagine this is a little stressful for these newbies coming on, so if I can show them that i’m just here to queen out, i think we’ll have a nice week ahead of us.

It really is just this one more full week and then two days next week. We can freaking do it.

•

I’m still sitting here alone in the conference room. Where is everyone? Why are they not here with me? What should I do? I’m getting some fomo and i’m in this state of low-grade anxiety right now. I don’t know if someone will come soon... i hear voices and steps.... But no, it was just R-------, the respiratory person..... Shit, where my people at? I think I hear the voice of one of the new residents out there? Or maybe that’s a nurse?

Oh, brother, i’m already stressing out. Is everything going to be okay? Where is H-------?

•

I tried to go into the nick you a few minutes early to ask the nurse if she thinks the baby is ready for discharge. I found myself in a world of chaos and nobody ready to do anything. That’s what I get for disrupting the routine.

I’m feeling so anxious right now. Undue anxiety.

Right now, for now, we have some time to just..... I don’t know what, actually. I think just sit here. Conscious inertia. Meditation. We can look around at the streamers in the ceiling and the pretty chairs, like the deep purple one which is my favorite.

The vibes have not been established yet, so i’m filling up the vibe vacuum with anxiety. It doesn’t need to be this way. I can let it go. i can let the vacuum be empty. I can enjoy being in an empty room this early in the morning. The more I stress out about these things, the more the stress will leak out of me when it comes time to meet the new people.

Let me calm down. I don’t need to be so stressed about these things. I just don’t know what fate has in store for me, and that can be debilitatingly terrifying. I don’t know why this somehow feels worse than day one. Day one, I was confidently introducing myself to people, but today i feel like a beta cuck who doesn't speak to anyone when I enter rooms. I’m feeling like a baby bird today. This sucks. I hate it here. I’m ready to be done with this rotation, but i know the only way out is through, and if i can only get through, then i have an MD after my name, just like O-- said. And eight days from now will be the final day. Just keep that in mind. Eight days from right now.... No, seven days.... No, eight. It’s eight.

I’m sure i’ll look back on this day and think, 'man, he was really stressing out about that first day of the fourth week, and look at us now, we survived that day, we did our plucky thing and we stuck to it and we got through the fucking day, and then we got through the week, and we got through the month.'

It’s all passed by in such a way..... i think of that first or second day on the train when i had the thought: the degree is made up of these ordinary days, and it’s thankless, and you just keep showing up, and then you eventually reach the end, and you’ll be better for it somehow, maybe, possibly. I still don’t quite know about that part. I don’t know whether i truly will be better for having gone through all this. I just don’t know, my friend, and that’s all there is to say about it.

Fuck. i’m so anxious, and i’m trying to let the typing be my way of soothing myself, but this time the typing is just giving voice to the anxiety, and i guess that’s the idea? When you give it a voice, then it can say everything on its mind and what it’s anxious about and stuff, and you can.... Yeah..... You can let it all go if you wear out your own anxiety.

Maybe this is the time when we go back to therapy and get back on a damn SSRI. but i know better. I know better than that. I’m not doing that shit. The thing that will make my anxiety go away is picking myself up by my bootstraps and being a friendly face and doing my little tasks. I’ll go ahead and do the tasks, and then we’ll just see. We’ll just see, my friend, you know, we’ll see.

We still have ten minutes before my typical time that I go to the uhhhh that I go to the uhhhhh ummmmmm........ nick you.

•

T--, the intern, just asked O--- if she wanted a coffee, and she uttered a truly feeble, raspy 'celsius.' I’m a little scared of her at the moment.

•

V----- came in and gave a little spiel to the new residents about how it’s a safe space and they don’t need to take on the stress of feeding plans and stuff like that. I wonder if...... i wonder if that implies that I am supposed to take on the stress? But i don’t think so. I’m not going to take it on.

O-- asked me if they're strict about 'nothing below the wrist,' to which i said they are not, and she said they used to yell at her for having stuff below her wrist.

It’s fun to be the student because you just get to be the personality hire. That’s the way i see it. I’m only here for my jokes. That’s all i can provide. I can also provide the bare minimum work, but that gets a little intense sometimes, even.

Also, shit, i think one of my babies might get discharged today, unless the GI people see that her ------ was really ---------- a lot yesterday during the day shift and decide that we need to keep her another week. Honestly, let’s do that. Let's get a --------- going so she can stay the whole time that i’ll have to be here. I don’t want to have to pick up any new babies.

The good thing about today is that i'm able to fade into the background as the new team starts to take over. I’m fading, i’m fading. The focus will be on the residents today and getting to know them and them presenting. It’ll be its own little new adventure. How do the residents do? What are the vibes of this new superorganism? Will we develop any inside jokes? Will they be chill and want me to go home? All of this and more remain to be seen. But shoutout to H-------.

They're discharging the baby who’s been here for over a month.

I just saw some chica wearing dress toms. Never seen those before. Shoutout toms though. They were all the rage a while back.

The initial shock is over, so I think we’re fine. It’s going to be fine. The hardest part is done.

I was realizing in the conference room earlier that it’s a better idea to be in the on-call room so people can get used to my presence and what it entails. I’m really a chill guy. There’s nothing wrong with me or anything like that. I’m all good innit. It’s all good. All good.

ice O--- just came back and told S----- there’s a baby with a tumor and that it was gross. i was really hanging on her every word once i knew who she was talking about, and then the word just ends up being 'gross.' I can’t hold it against her or anything. It’s just interesting that this would be someone’s first reaction. I told her about how things have been going the last few days, and how it’s kind of depressing to be around. It’s hard to explain the full extent of the emotional arc i’ve had with this baby. It is really tip of iceberg shit on this thing right now. I’m just a little out of sorts, as you can imagine....

T---- just asked me if I had any questions about the baby we’re taking care of. That was good of her.

•

I had my first explanation of what i’m doing with my life to the intern T--. He asked if i was applying peds, i said no, that i just like babies, then he said well what are you applying into, and i said i’m not applying, actually, and that i’m just figuring it out this year and gonna wing it.

O--- just came in and saw me using the bunkbed as a standing desk and was like 'it’s like a standing desk.' Like yaasssss girl it fucking is!!!

I’m still working on how to be normal. Still figuring it out. Still not sure if being normal is worth it or something I want to be or do. I’m still figuring all this shit out, brother. I’m fiiiiiguring it ouuuuuttttt.

i’m done here. time for rounds. gotta pee first. have a good one, brother.