life really is so much better in real life. you’ve been investing an awful lot of time in the screen world, haven’t you?

text as for the phone, that thing can go to the bottom of a lake for all i care. we can go back to writing letters.

it might soon come time to simplify life altogether............ make good on what i told j▒▒ about my being off the grid.

am i being loose? i was feeling loose on the subway today, dancing my ass off in as socially appropriate a way possible.

life is about being loose, i think. you get loose, and then suddenly you feel sexier and like everything is clicking into place. you feel like you have a role in the world around you. you feel like you are part of the flow. you are not an observer. if anything, you are the observed, but you don’t believe in the hawthorne effect anymore, so you don’t care.

you can convince yourself that you are not being observed, and then you can get into that flow state........

i find that life gets more magical, by the way, when you pay attention and respond to the signals of other people. some of the signals, you can choose to ignore. there’s real power in the ones you choose to ignore, because it’s in those tensions where your life actually gets formed. tension is where interest comes from.

i feel like a scientist today. is social science even a real thing? is it even science? these questions.... no need for answers... the answer doesn’t exist... it likely doesn’t exist.

boundaries are about which signals you ignore and which ones you pick up.

one thing about me is i’m never sure when to break eye contact with people and how to end conversations. i’m always trailing off, never firmly ending things. i never really turn away from people. i like to draw them out, hold that eye contact a little too long, let them think i’ve got more to say... let them think i think they’ve got more to say.

anyway, life is good.

there’s some crazy shit going on, and i might get drafted, but that’s when i can go trans. they still gotta let us be queer. are they trying to stigmatize it to the point where people won’t come out anymore, so we can all join the military?

when i listen to slayyyter, i’m like, ‘i’m a cunt.’ what gender is that, when i’m not a woman, but a cunt?

one thing i do know is that tomorrow is my last day wearing business casual for like... who knows how long. it would be nice to find a career in which i don’t need to dress business casual. i can still pull a fit, but i like doing my own thing much more. i like freestyling without any restrictions. give me full creative license.

the joy of the day can get covered by a shadow, and that is life. it’s not overshadowed, though. the shadow gives you more perspective on what this world is. it reminds you that not everything is bright, that there are some shades of darkness even on the brightest days, blah blah.

that was some fake gay philosophical bullshit. don’t ever listen to me, y’all. i promise you right now nothing i’ve ever written is actually worth reading. i want to get you out of the two-dimensional world and into the three-dimensional one. writing should not be for reading. i want you to go out-fucking-side and talk to someone. if you really wanna read that bad, talk to someone who has read a book. you don’t ever want to be caught being the one reading. if it’s really important, if someone has written something really, truly important, then someone will come find you, someone who has read it, and they will tell you about it.... they will tell you about it.

so then why do i keep writing, and why do i keep sharing my writing? why do i keep doing any of it, really? why am i doing any of this? what am i doing? what are we doing?

i’m not a writer. yeah, i’m writing, i write, i’m someone who writes, but....

writing, what is the point? the point is the point.

you can be set up (to fail), but it’s up to you to fall for the setup.

i am doing my best, and i could do better.

love i want to be able to show all of my love to someone who loves me, and i want validation from someone who loves me and whom i love.

i feel ambivalent toward continuing this relationship with someone i don’t have a committed relationship with. we have not defined shit. we don’t know what are we. we only know we like going to gay bars together and we like pokemon and we like making out and he wants to fuck me because i liked when he ▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒. that’s all we are. what would you call something like that? call it what you want. i’ll just be sitting here waiting for him to text me with the plan for this weekend.

i’m doing my best, and i could do better. my best gets better every day type shit. today was a personal best.

lol fawk....... getting tired. am i dehydrated? lemme chug some water.