there is a certain type of music that i like, and it is the kind of music that is good. i like music that is good, and i like that there are songs out there that exist which i like, and which i can throw on and have a good time. it feels nice. i like listening to music.

right now the new lykke li album is slaying me. but then, now i’m listening to this album by gobby called i guess bro. it’s intriguing album artwork and an intriguing uhhhhhh title. it all sort of fits into my vernacular as it were. the use of the papyrus font on the album cover is pretty great.... and so far.... i wish he were not talking.... i only wish i didn’t have to hear this man’s voice as he is going through the song. i wish he would not sing and just leave it at the instrumental. is that wrong? is that messed up of me... i’m trying to silence men’s voices. and yes, it’s true. i don’t need to hear what you have to say for yourself, sir. i don’t need to hear it, i don’t want to hear it.

i don’t like men.... in the sense that....

yeah . that’s a standalone thought i guess. i guess it’s a standalone thought which will stand alone.

the thing i wonder ... i think about putting some shit on the anthill, and it looks like the thing from last night might be a fine contender, but i think i spend so much time being boy crazy, and it might be nice to give it a rest in terms of like... the people. give the people a break from seeing me be boy crazy, maybe... or maybe my boy craziness is something that the people want to see? i’m not sure how to approach it. i’m not really sure how to approach it.

but i look at these plants to my right, and i’m.....  they’re actually real, as i suspected. that’s nice. i like being around plants... and seeing that they are real brings me comfort. i like being around things that are real rather than plastic things that are attempting to simulate real things. i much prefer real things.

i might have to turn off this album... he’s doing the pitched-up hyperpop voice and i might need to turn him off... i don’t like your vocals, bro... i would rather men not speak at all... i think women should be singing and speaking... i think women should be the ones singing. i don’t want to hear voices that are touched by testosterone or widened  larynxes. i want the cuntiest skinniest most snatched larynx doing the talking and the singing... i want that. that’s what i want. but i shouldn’t do the biological determinism thing. a trans woman would be so much better than a straight-up cisgender man singing. god forbid a cisgender man try to sing… i would rather die, honestly. iiii would really sort of rather die... in a sense. yeah, that’s a little extreme, but i think it’s true. there are very few men in the world whom it would not beeeeeeeeee a punishment to listen to.

i honestly can’t help but feel a little bitter at the whole j▒▒▒▒ and o▒▒▒▒ thing. this is just how nature corrects itself... this is how i course correct. the course correction here...... is all physics. it’s all just physics, my guy... i’m living in a world that is governed by laws. i need to keep that in mind. i’m living in a world governed by laws. so just keep that in mind, ant, as you proceed with things. you are sitting in the direct sunlight right now, and you know as well as i do that this is not quite a sustainable position for someone as pale as you are. you’re letting your dna get damaged right now the longer you sit in the sunlight. but isn’t it also true that sitting in the sun is fucking awesome and fucking rocks?

i gotta repark my car at some point today. i’ll do it either during the course of the typical day, or when i get home this evening, but it would be wiser to do it over the course of the day so that i can guarantee getting a spot… and then i won’t have to repark until monday. and the cycle will continue....

i feel like right now i’m slightly more sensitive to rejection. i’m a little sensitive to rejection right now, but i also know that rejection is a good thing. nobody wants you—that means you’re free. that was the first thing that came to mind last night when i was feeling like i was going to be rejected by the o▒▒▒▒ and j▒▒▒▒ hang.... that nobody wants me, and that this is a good thing because it means that i am free. and what a blessing it is to be free, to be truly free as i am right now. to know that i have this whole day in front of me, and i can do whatever i want with it, up to and including absolutely nothing. i can do nothing with this day and be perfectly content with the decision.

i ought to get out of the sun. i feeeeeeeeeelllllll it beating down on me, and i feel that it’s time to get out of it... but it sure does feel good to feel it, doesn’t it? i like this feeling right now, and i’m going to give it probably a couple more minutes.

but then who knows what may happen. i miss j▒▒. i like her a lot. i think we are supposed to be friends. i think we are supposed to be friends. but i feel that she is in a dysfunctional relationship with l▒▒ right now, and it is sort of a tough thing to imagine getting any further entangled with the two of them. but it would be nice... it would be nice is all. it would just be nice.

and i do need friends. i do need companions in this life, just like i should hope to be a companion for others. i want the companionship, and i think we all probably want the companionship. at least for the moment, right now, i have these little plants to my right who are serving as my companions. i like them... i like them a lot, actually. i like those fuckers.... i like them, i like them, maybe i even love them. i like the plants... i like them, i just like them... that’s all i’m saying is that i like these motherfuckers.

it was a nice joke the universe pulled to suspect me of fraud yesterday and cut me off from making any further purchases. it was a good joke, and a good reminder of the thin line...... of money. the arbitrariness of money, and having it.... the arbitrariness, and the lack of meritocracy to it. there is no meritocracy of money. nobody deserves it any more or less than anyone else...... any differently than anyone else. one person’s deservation of money is the same, not different as someone else’s.

i’m going to get out of the sun, i think.... it would be nice if there were a shady spot on the roof, but there is not. well, let me investigate that. 

but then by the time you’re seated in the, uhhhhh, by the time you’re seated in the shade, you’re too cold. you can’t sit in the shade because then you get too cold. so i simply rotated myself. i sat in the chair opposite me. and now i look at the chair where i just was, and i consider it. i contemplate it... i imagine what it would be like if there were someone sitting in that chair, some kind of companion... and i imagine, i start going through the list of unemployed friends, and i consider which one would be interested in hanging out today. there’s always p▒▒▒▒. i could invite her to come up here and hang out on the roof for the day... that would be a nice idea, a nice idea indeed.... a  nice idea, to be sure... a nice idea... a  nice, nice idea... but i’m not totally like thrilled about it either. where are my besties? where are my real life best fucking friends in this school, the ones who are unemployed and might be down to come up here and spend some time with me? are there any such cases? anyone who i really like...... anyone who i love so much that i’d like to spend a random tuesday with them? anyone like that? otherwise it’s going to be me myself and i for the next nine hours... which is not all that disagreeable either, to be sure. i do love spending time with myself, and it might just be nice to be sitting around here all day. it would be just as well, i’m sure.

what i’m going to do now i think is to read that paper that helen of rippledstone had recommended to me.