* i’m sufficiently disappointed

* and all there is for it is to sit in it

* there’s no cure for it, no weed to be smoked about it

nope * and the weed, i know, would not make me feel better anyway

* it would just make me feel disoriented, in a different world from the person i’m looking to connect with most

* and that disconnection would lend itself to scaredness and anxiety

* so no, there is no cure for it but time

* and there is no time... but the present...... like the present?

* anyway the disappointment is just that i wanted to see my man, but then it all... you know, it all entered some kind of black box, texting was involved, and before you knew it i had resigned myself to not see him at all, and he was down there in the u▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ with his other bitch

* and now i’m just here... up here alone in my bed as a cuck… just a lowly cuck is all i am at the moment

* a lowly cuck, and i’m here cucking it up

* and now i do wonder what side of him i will see after he’s now done something somewhat wrong. i wonder if he feels icky about it. it seems like he might

* and therefore... huh... i’m not going to say i expect him to text me soon, but...... that would be my prediction

give it a rest * and blessed be those who make predictions, for they shall inherit the earth. or whatever the fuck i said when i was high with s▒▒▒▒ on my birthday four years ago

* the concept of four years ago... is just funny

* remember how it was my birthday and e▒▒ didn’t come to it, even though we had said i love you to each other? he didn’t come to my literal birthday party, and that right there should’ve been my first sign that i was dealing with a trifling ass motherfucker who ought to have been let go

* but i didn’t let him go, and in fact i stayed with him for who knows how long after that

* i wonder when in a process you’re supposed to use all that hindsightable information

* like is right now supposed to be the moment when i choose to stop thirsting over this man?

* i think it’s not a bad idea

* i can stop letting the universe tell me to hang out with him, and i can let it all go, you know what i mean? so i will... so i will let it all go... indeed, that is what i will do. i will let it all go... it’s gone, it’s over, i can’t see it anymore, it’s fine

* if i’m honoring the signals, i think the strongest signal thus far is the one that he is just not that into you 

* and we don’t even know if he’s into boys to begin with

* so until he can get it into his head to make  some kind of actual move and spend time with me on his own time, i’m going to not make any more effort here... i think

* unless this is a toxic tendency i got from my mom, and i should just proceed as normal... but anyway, in any case, at any rate, it’s time for me to take a  step back and allow him to drive for a second, if we even are to remain in this car together

* it’s me out of the driver seat and letting him steer this shit, put his own foot on the goddamn gas pedal, because i’ve sort of done all i can think of.... i’ve done a lot to get us better acquainted, and i had my hand on his leg for that dinner, and i’ve sent who knows what signals to this man, and you know... i’ve just... yeah, these things i have done, and who knows what i’ve successfully communicated to him, if anything... who knows, indeed, who knows... but it’s okay. it’s really fine, it’s really just fine and well and good

* the main thing is it’s up to him, i think, to determine where these things go next

boy crazy * what else is there to talk about? i bore myself and i undervalue myself if i spend all this time talking about a boy whoooooooooooooo... you know...... i won’t insert any self-indulgent, self-flagellating things there.. i don’t need to hurt myself more by describing this man in any certain way that would make me feel worse about things

* the point is, no matter who the man is, i can always do better than just ruminating on a relationship or lack thereof with said man

* there are more important things to talk about than men

* much more important things

* like: did i see any bugs or animals today?

* there was an ant i saw crossing my path from the subway up to my apartment, and it was a fine reminder of all the things that i love about this world, and how so many of them—all of them, really—continue to run in the background while i’m engaged in other things

* the antworld is still fucking grinding underneath my feet right now as i think about this man

* i think the antworld is one serious protective factor in my life

* i really do have some kind of viral something inside of my nasopharynx right now bro i feel it in the pressure that comes sometimes and i feel it also in the postnasal drip and all the snot that’s been coming out of my nose

* i just pray that it gets better overnight, that my immune cells are ready and know exactly what to do, and that they will be grateful for this long night of sleep that i am prepared to get. of course when you say things like that you almost predestine yourself to sleep worse... but such thoughts are not helpful to me...... but i still let them in... anyway, let them go like a damn balloon

* that gay porn adjacent neocities site i found today was pretty sick. it was really artistic. i like looking at these naked dudes. and it’s just sick visuals. and artistic

* it’s a moment for me to realize that these pornographic images are actually artistic

* that porn is art

* and that meme where the sex shop worker was complaining about a dude in the shop who was just there to look for porn to beat off to, not in it for the art, i think there is likely a lot of truth to that

* and there is real art in the pornographic… i was seeing it today

* the postures of twinks rolled up and contorted in certain positions, and the feet on faces, and the way it sort of connects in on itself, this thing is fucking art, broski, it’s just art. it’s just art!!! it is art. so shoutout to him for making that collection

* but yeah whismur found in caves comes out of a cave and sort of hops around and it doesn’t seem to have a neck or anything so it can’t exactly look around

* i just heard three or four loud banging sounds from downstairs, and i feel my chest sink at the hear of that kind of thing

*  i really am saddened, deeply, deeply affected in strange ways by these loud confrontational-esque noises. they really bother me and make me want to cry

* and that’s why i told j▒▒ and l▒▒ and l▒▒▒▒▒▒ the other day that if someone were to yell at me i would walk away. i am not available to be yelled at. i genuinely don’t put up with that kind of bullshit

* sorry, j▒▒, to poke that hole in your fun of weeping and raising your voice at l▒▒... but really bro this is one of my non-negotiables, i think. if someone starts raising their voice at me or speaking to me disrespectfully like n▒▒▒▒ did that one time, and like e▒▒ did in duluth, i’m not available for it. i genuinely can’t put myself through that, and i won’t do it

* because why the fuck are you yelling at me? why are you treating me this way? for real like genuinely don’t treat me like that... don’t fucking treat me like that.

* and that goes for you, j▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ and o▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒. don’t treat me like some situation that needs to be handled

* that’s just an autocompleted taylor lyric

* don’t treat me like an afterthought and someone who’s there for optionality. i want to be known as a real person i want to be treated with respect and it’s a two-way street and i’m going to give you what you give me, baby, and you…. might not like to be treated in that way... but anyway. it’s whatever. i’lll uhhh..

* just saw a ridiculous fuckass red car, shiny and red with no top, coming up s▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ road... and about to pull out.... anyway strange visuals

* and then uranus, but not the planet per se, but the word, in a times font, black text on a white background

* who fucking knows

* the letter P insofar as it stands for peloton or something of the sort

* g▒▒▒▒ chimes in and says i love peloton, oh i’m sure you do girl.....

* it’s giving princess

* it’s giving get me out of the city and let me start seeing life in vivid 4k... i wanna see the world looking back at me, where it’s harder to be bothered by these boys who are really too smart of their own good, and too virginal as well.... uhhh god forbid they’re kissing right now or anything close to kissing, god forbid it

* and god let him.... do what he sees fit, and let me accept it

* lord let me accept whatever outcome you have in mind

* physics, i hope you’ll direct our particles in the expert way that you always have, and i hope you will allow me to remain open to the signals you provide, and allow me the hindsight and memory to remember that this has worked for me in the past many times

* i don’t know anything about what the plot of stranger things ends up being.... and then a great shaking of both people through crazy shit

* m▒▒▒▒: “that’s something you write about... your journey”

* just a sentence she said in my predream world... and whatever it means, i’m sure it’s sweet. thank you walking .... thank you errrr m▒▒▒▒ for being cooooooooooooolllllll

* a sudden thought that i’d left something in the k▒▒▒ classroom while.. or after i was talkinggggggg...

* people on campus in their caps and gowns and everybody looking so spiffy and we’re all celebrating this accomplishment together like we made it y’all we fucking made it??? so weird and strange to say but i think we really actually did, so good for us... and period

* and yeah i think i’m done writing

* i feel fine don’t worry about me

* i look forward and all i see is gray, and that’s okay with me

* you need gray too... you need gray too! and today was a gray day