I’m now sitting in the library because i got a bright idea. The idea is that i will give it a little bit of time and then return to the nick you to go hang out with Y---. It just seems nice, wouldn’t you say? Yeah, why not. I’ll go back around six. Yeah.... Yeah, i think it’s a cute idea. Because he sort of did open the door for me. He did suggest it, and i think there will be some level of disappointment if i don’t take it up on him. Take him up on it.
So, for now, i’m getting the writing in, and then
I can really do whatever i want in life, don’t you know? Yeah, why the fuck not go back to the place i was trying to escape? I wasn’t really even trying to escape, to be honest....
I’m looking around and smelling around in this library, and my one huge complaint is the fuckin' stench. This place actually sucks pretty bad in terms of the smell. What are y'all doing? It’s nothing against anyone, except, yeah, my initial reaction to the smell is to blame all the nasty gross med students and other health students who are in here trying to do whatever they’re trying to do. Holy shit, guys, i know you’re all nerds, but are you
or something?
Anyway, i should really be setting my mind to more important things than idle complaining. This is an opportunity to lock into some editing of the novel i’m supposed to be finishing this year but am clearly not going to finish.... Or am i blocking my blessings by not allowing myself to work on it? Y--- did sort of suggest that i work on it, implicitly, by asking me when i get to work on the book and the play. Was that a subtle cue that i’m supposed to be working on the novel right now?
There are surely some scenes i could flesh out. There is something i could be doing right now that is quote unquote productive. i could get the rest of part one edited, at least. Wouldn’t that be nice?
I’m maybe..... Well, in fact, what am i even trying to do here? Should i switch seats to the one across from me? Yes, i should, and i will, because i must. Here goes. Better posture incoming.
Ohhhhh, that feels so much better, and there’s a little bit of a rock to it that is feeling nice, except by sitting in this chair, i’ve kicked up all kinds of ungodly smells that i wish i hadn’t smelled, but, shit, that’s life for you. What are you gonna do?
One thing i was doing today was looking at divinity school and being like 'huh, what would it be like to be in divinity school?' And i came to the conclusion that it would be nice, actually. Like, hey, the idea of three more years of school, honestly, what the hell, sure. Shit, why not get three degreees in one lifetime. Yeah, why not.
But then i look up and away, and i see the leaves of the trees, and i’m like 'ohhh, but there’s so much else to discover about the world besides the things that people think about and manufacture and make you spend
on a degree to learn... thirty thousand dollars a year: is that really worth the thing that i’m trying to do? Is it really, really worth it? Is it really, actually worth it?
And now is when i start to be like 'oh, yeah, i see why she would’ve wanted me to sit for step 3 and get my medical license,' but at the same time i’m like 'fuck that lol i don’t want it.' I don’t want it, and remember that the whole impetus (or one of the impeti) of not going to residency was that i didn’t want to waste more time, and i thought it could be so simple to do the things i want to do.
Don’t get lost in the identity of yourself as a chaplain, either. You can be a chaplain later in life. You can really do any number of things. Maybe you don’t want to be a chaplain just yet, and you should accumulate some more life experiences first. You could go back to the [youth group home], for example, and become a worker there. You’re overqualified for the job, but remember that overqualification itself is a construct. It’s a construct and is meaningless outside of itself. Words... they mean nothing.
Action, that’s what i’m trying to get into here. And more school is not really action, it’s school. It’s different. It’s more time spent indoors. I think what i need is to be outdoors and also to be working and doing work that matters to me. Like working at a headstart. Or a preschool or some other equivalent. What would it take to work at a headstart? Let’s ask the robot about it.
learn