no offense to anyone and shoutout to them for making me feel welcome and stuff, kinda, but like.... not really, also? i guess my mistake was not texting dr l---- about how i was outside the work room and didn’t know where to go. but also uhhhh why didn’t they just tell me to meet in the appropriate place? was i supposed to... was that some kind of hazing ritual? if so, consider me hazed. but consider me unfazed at the same time. cuz the important thing that everyone needs to know about me here is that they can’t hurt me. i’m invinvcinble. indestructibele. the micro social dynamics of it all mean so...... very little in the face of this profound suffering that i’m sure i will witness this month. so yeah, there goes my thought on that for the moment.

i’m now just sort of here. let me keep my voice down. as in, i might be typing a little bit loud right now, but that’s how it goes. it’s fine, don’t worry.

i’m looking at the list of child and adolesdcent psychiatry residency training program and being just like haunted by this list. i’m so glad i’m not in this shit. i’m very happy to not be part of this merry band. i’m not looking forward to the alternate future reality in which i am a uhhhhhhhh uhhhhh psychiatry resident. god forbid. god literally forbids it, thankfully. keep me out of your neoliberalism, respectfully.

right now i was dropped off in the work room which is sort of empty except for what seems to be the other medical student and the uhhh resident who is friends with O--- and who was in [clinic]. what the hell was her name? i should know her name but i simply don’t. is she on this list of residents? no she’s not. let me check the pediatric resident list.

i managed to find her. she’s not a peds resident but a psych resident, and she’s a second year. it’s H-----, of course! from [clinic]. and from O--- friendship. but maybe mostly from [clinic]. it’s hard to remember some of this shit bro, this med school shit.

also lowkey i’m feeling like i was more at home in the nick you than i am here lowkey. sike really has this very sinister and evil energy so far that i can’t quite place but which i have to report of course because wer’re here and shit.

at some point i’ll say hi to H----- and we can queen out hopefully. but shit man maybe i’ll just be here in front of the computer all day just whining away the day.

piles of snot i’m honestly really tired right now and maybe it’s because i got nothing to do. in the nick you there was plenty to do, and the people were so perfect. it was a perfect month, literally. including the moments when i was sobbing in the bathroom. with these people it’s just like... i feel like they must be pathologizing my every move or something.

luckily for me i’m not doing this shit for any kind of evaluation and i would be okay with them not liking me or giving me a bad grade or whatever the fuck. it’s literally meaningless as fuck.

but the thing is the days end at 5pm every day. that’s kinda ass. that’s like a full ass workday, but you know what maybe i can use this time to grind on my neocities. shall we do that? or is it somehow risky to do that on a work computer? not sure, not sure, not sure. not sure. i’m not sure.

i suppose it’s smarter if i just do it on my laptop. i can type on here, i’m fine with typing and doing google docs on the work computer, but doing neocities grinding is sort of another story. but let me get in on that real quick here. let’s go.