and if it gets too late, for me to wait, for you, to find you love me, and tell me so….. it’s okay.......... don’t need to say it....... IMPLIED PARENTHETICAL I KNOW...... I'llll KNOW........

the thing we’ve learned at this point in our lives is that the truth is going to come out of you one way or another.

i’ve been wrong many times over the course of this life, and i will continue to be wrong forever. it’s a fine way to be, i should think.

and if it gets too late for me to wait for you to find you love me and tell me so, it’s okay, don’t need to say it.

that song is so fucking dark-sided and evil in such a sad tender emotionally depraved way. it’s so fucked up how good and sweet and sad and devastating and beautiful it is.

i don’t feel emotionally supported by ██ ███████. █ ███’█ █████ ████’█ ████ ████’██ ████ ███ ██ ██ ████. █ ███’█ █████ ████’█ ████ ██████ ████ █████ ████. █ ████ ████ ████ ██████████ ██████ ████ ██ ████.

█ ████ ████ ███ █████ ██ ████ ███ ████. ███ ███ █████████ ████ ████ ████, ███ ████████████ ████ ████ ████, █ ████ ██ ███ ████ ████████ ██ ███ ██████ ████ ██ ██ ███. █ ████ ██ ███ ████ ███, ██ ███ ████ ████ ██ ██ ███, ███ ██’█ ██████.

██ ███ █████’█ ████ ██ ████ █████ ████. ██’█ █████ ██ ██ ███████ ████ ███████ ███ ███ ███ ███ ██ ████. ██ ████ ██ █████ ██ ███ ███ ██ ██, but i don’t believe him anymore.

i don’t allow myself to get attached to any of this shit. ████ ███ █████ ████ ████ ██ ██████ ████ █████. i can’t imagine the depths. it honestly scares me to the point of paralysis. i’m not willing to engage with it. and nobody in my own life is going to check me on that.

i don’t know █████ █ █████ ████ ███ ██ ██ ██████, ██ ██ ██████ ████ ███. i feel █████████, like the black sheep. and the modernity doesn’t help. it just hurts. like h▒▒▒▒ trying to make some joke about how we almost nuked iran, ███ ██████ ██████ ████████ ████. it’s all so wickedly vile and perverse ████ █ █████ ████ ██████ ███ ████ ██████ ████ ██.

it’s somewhat unlike me ██ ███ ████ █████████ ██ █████ █████ █████.

i feel some kind of albuminocytologic dissociation. my proteins are not the same as my cells right now. does that makes sense? my affect is not matching my mood. it’s not the same.... the circumstances are not matching how i feel about them inside.

med school ending feels more like a funeral than a celebration. it’s going to be a celebration in the same way that people try to force funerals to feel like celebrations.

huh. the thing is right now. this right now and right here is all we have, so let me go brush my teeth and meditate on it. the present moment, that is.