God, i’m so fucking horny, bro. And nothing to be done about it, seemingly. Nothing to obe done. Because i’m in this 'needing to fall into my lap' mindset. The perfect man is going to show up and just like show up. It’ll be perfect because that is a reasonable expectation to have.

been there What i need to do right now is go get a damn muffin or something. Please. I need a fucking peiece of food at the moment. Let me in there. Okay, --- ---, get in there, and go eat your breakfast downstairs. Bringin my laptop and my headphones too. Fuck yes. Here goes.

Okay, now i’m downstairs eating my damn muffin, and i got my damn flavored water next to me as well. So is somebody gonna clock my tea? Is somebody gonna clock my ..... Gatsby? Shit, i don’t know, man, sometimes the rhyme doesn’t come. I’m not a freestyle rapper yet. I’m not good at freestyle rapping yet, even in the damn fucking uhhh writing world. I’m just not able to do it yet. But i’m sure as hell trying.

I saw Dr. S---- coming out of the elevator as she headed to the cafeteria. She’s awesome. She’s honestly very kind and all that kind of stuff.

The question remains of whether i should go into work on monday. The question simply remains. I wonder about it, but the truth is i’m pretty sure i’m going to go ahead and come in. Yeah, i probably just will. I suppose i can consult the powerpoint to see if there’s any info on there....

So it’s like.... There’s nothing really telling me that today can’t be my last day, so maybe today should go ahead and be my last day. Maybe it should be the end at this point. Are we just done? I’ll think about it, and perhaps i’ll consult the residents as well. Be like 'guys, be honest, do you think i should come in or should we just consider it a four week rotation? Let me know what you think.' No, that’s obviously unprofessional. But is professionalism even what we’re going for anymore? Shit, i don’t know, man. Maybe there's something to this thing of continuity and following through. Maybe there is true magic that can happen on monday and tuesday. We can say that today is my last technical workday. But even today i was toying with the idea of calling in sick. Because in truth, like T-- suggested, i am hungover.

Damn, bro, i can’t believe.... Well, that’s not true. What i meant to say is that i’m just thinking about what happened last night with H-----. I think it’s okay if whatever is happening between us ends up being a slow burn or whatever lol. But that shows you i’m already thinking about it too much and in possibly the wrong ways. Who cares and who knows, though, is the thing.

Just saw T-- and gave him that male-coded head nod to say hey to him, and he smiled at me. Wait, i do really like this damn team. Hello. Clock the tea, sister. Hellooooo.

Who knows, maybe they can give me an early release today.

I think i had some kind of dream or some kind of vision or premonition or something of going back home again this weekend and becoming a bitch who goes home every weekend. Maybe that will be me now. Maybe it will. But no, i don’t think. I hardly think that will be me.

Because this weekend is going to be one for the city shit. We’re going to see Y-- today, maybe. She invited herself to come to [neighborhood] to visit me tooooooooooooooooday, so maybe we’ll go ahead and have that be something that happens.

Todooday when i woke up i considered the idea of getting some tea so i can have some caffeine to wake myself up and shit, but i don’t need caffeine. I’m okay. Don’t worry about me.

But yeah, maybe we’ll hang out with Y-- today and smoke that last little bit of the joint that i have left in my apartment. And show her what’s good in the apartment and shtutfff like that. Yeah, could be fun. I’ll text her back when i feel so inclined.

Skinny ass lady in blue scrubs walking by. She looks like she’s definitely aging, but she’s trying to stay on the younger side by wearing these fuckass chunky big heeled chucks.... Girl, give it up, you’re not that girl anymore, your hair is gray and frizzy. Sorry, that’s not right minduflness or concentration or anything. So yeah, let me go ahead and let that one go. Yeah, we’ll let it go.

There’s that cute kid who was pushing the stroller around yesterday. Today he’s wearing black overalls and he’s walking and he’s doing a great job and he’s holding what appears to be his dad’s hand.

Funny, the grammar of a sentence like that. i was saying the man appeared to be his dad, but the way the sentence was set up, it made it sound like i was saying it appeared to be the dad’s hand. The hand is the subject, and the dad doesn’t really contribute to the sentence in the way i wanted it to going into the sentence.

But that’s the nice thing about writing now, is that it doesn’t matter how the sentences turn out, and there are little moments of intrigue that comes from things like that stuff. Let’s check my EHR messages.

No messages. Dr. G--- has not messaged back about coming to rounds. She said she’s free at 9:15 to round on this damn baby whose ------ fuckin uhhhhh what’s it called, -------ed. Yeah, her intestines..... Her small intestine -------ed --- of the ---- that the fuckass surgeons put into him. I’m like... wow. A lot of suffering that is just simply iatrogenic.

And here we rest back upon our thesis with medcine: this shit is not about alleviation of suffering. I was wrong when i went into this career thinking i would alleviate suffering. The goal of medicine is not to alleviate suffering but to prolong life and to save lives and retarded bullshit like that. So that has never been my goal. My goal has never been to save people’s lives. My goal has been, since five years ago now, to alleviate suffering. And before that, we had that shower conversation where i was philosophizing in my own mind in [hometown] and i was like 'ohhhhh, the whole point of life is to make other people happy and to enhance their experience. That’s the whole point.' Again, you see how there was no mention of saving lives? Because that’s never been my goal, but that’s precisely the goal of medicine, like, precisely. I’m not interested in saving lives. Sorry. And no, i’m not sorry, actually. Because i feel the premise of saving lives is fundamentally grasping and flawed.

Let me look up the word for grasping.

Upadana. Thats what it is. The attempts at saving lives are upadana.