iiiiiiii'm lying in bed after remembering that i’m supposed to be writing.

the main thing is how hellscape it is here. is that the point, or is it an emergent property of how the world ended up getting set up? is it an emergent property, not planned, could never possibly have been planned, for who could be evil enough to plan something as hellish as this? to be in this kind of world... so alienated, soooo alienated from everything... the realest shit you see all day is a bird in the grassy area between two parking lots.

parking lot i had a little bit of a run across the walmart parking lot a couple times today, and that was one of the most exciting things i did. anything, any kind of little samsara moment is gooooood in an environment like this, any kind of task... leaving the wallet in the car trusting that they’ll have apple pay available to use in there, but they didn’t, and i parked in the taco john’s parking lot, which is an entire parking lot plus grassy area away, and raymond... raymond was watching my shit at the self-checkout register while i ran across the parking lot to get my wallet...

and you do notice when you’re walking on grass versus on pavement. walking on grass feels exactly like what we were supposed to be doing. even the temperature feels better when you’re walking on grass. i’m not kidding. it’s true what they say about how the concrete actually changes the surface temperature. and this is not a placebo aeffect just because i know about that fact... it’s truly a felt reality.

and these felt realities plus information to back it up, like the fact that big trucks can go much faster downhill and they are by nature going much more slowly uphill because of weight and gravity.... simple principles like that might be lost on someone, and you move about the world with straight up less education, less information, so things can make you more scared. when there is more unknown, there’s a higher baseline state of anxiety and fear as a living individual, you know what i mean.... you know what i mean...

being on the internet sometimes feels like a terrible thing to do. why on earth would you ever do that kind of thing .. all this writing that i’m doing.... what am i thinking? this is a miserable idea. this is going to have amounted to nothing. i’m going to have spent all this time writing and it’ll have amounted to nothing.

but i do feel really nice just lying here, and this is when i remind myself that the point being the point is enough. the point being the point is enough, even if all the things i’ve ever written get deleted in a flash, in an instant. because in this act of writing i am making myself stronger mentally. i really believe writing has changed and perhaps saved my life. this is my constant companion, this is my travelogue, this is my diary, this is my COMPANION. this is my therapy like deadass. no i’m not paying for therapy bro i’m not paying for therapy i’m not paying for therapy. i’m not doing this shit. sorry about it!!!! sorry about it i’m not doing your goddamn motherfuckig therapy i’m not interested in it. and i’m bouncing back retaliating pretty hard against therapy right now for someone who seems to only be ambivalent about it. well, no. thank you for this opportunity to speak on my hatred of therapy. just kidding that’s a little extreme. therapy is awesome when you’re acutely ill. i stand by this. i really am of this hot take that therapy isn’t and shouldn’t be necessary or used for people who are okay. like for people who are not in the active throes of needing to be supported to be alive.... holy shit dude can we also talk about how certain people it’s like... they don’t know how to use the test to take the test like all the relationships can be right there in front of you if only you stay present and stuff and.... it isn’t this way for everyone, i know. there’s something really humbling about knowing that my experience is not the only one..... you know, it kind of hits you in one of those moments where it’s like okay yeah this really obvious truth about the world getting revealed somewhat more intimately all of a sudden for no particular reason: other people’s experiences can be different from one’s own.

yeah, groundbreaking. i just discovered empathy. i discovered the fact that other people have things happening in their brains. their brains are as highly complex as mine and they have been wired and set up in a certain way that is different from my own, but that is still fundamnentally the same, actually. and it’s easy to connect with people. we all sorta got the same shit going on. especially when you’re in the middles of nowhere of the world like this here... where the fuck are we?

the dude at the check-in said that a lot of people were coming to and from ▒▒▒▒▒▒ these days.... huh, it’s interesting.... that’s kinda fucked actually... man....... our world is just so fucked lol. i don’t know what to say about that one. a town like this being what it is, so fucking janky... the workers being the only ones who are actually from here or live here... man... it just writes itseflf as bad. you think about it for one second and it becomes really clear how bad it really is.

it’s like how i feel about thinking about ▒▒▒ and ▒▒▒▒. like looking at the sun, for real.... i can’t look at those things for too long because they feel so deeeeevastatingly sad to me as to be unreachable... putting them in a black box of sorts so i don’t have to touch them... i can’t touch them, in fact.

and as your therapist, i ask you why that has so much power to you. why does it have so much power to think of ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒'▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ over the ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ that ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ on ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ last year? that was... checks watch.............. seven months ago... my god dude, someone ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ of ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ versus...... whatever the pathological form of ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ is.... what does it turn into after six months? i don’t know. but when it’s with a ▒▒▒ i think we should introduce a different qualifier to it... we should call it ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒... like for people with deeply ▒▒▒ deeply ▒▒▒▒▒▒... but those are words that are hurting. those are hurting words that i wouldn’t use, actually, in this situation... but no, i used them and they were truthful. that word ▒▒▒▒▒▒ has come to mind twice today now..... since ▒▒▒▒▒ told me that thing about her saying '▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒' and how ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ and started ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ when ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒. like holy shit dude ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ the shit outta that one like my god dude ▒▒▒ really heard it the bad way. ▒▒▒ understood it the bad way. the ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ of it all... and ▒▒▒ being an absolute fucking monster to ▒▒▒ too lol i can’t deal with ▒▒▒▒. i honestly feel the need to just black sheep myself fully away from ▒▒▒▒. put everything into my work for real. that’s what i’m doing, and i was thinking about it in the car, and.... ...... i choose this job which seems to have so much legitimacy and i put all the shit into it becuase i can easily justify this to ▒▒▒▒ as 'some people have real problems'... justify it to myself, too.... it honestly feels good and fine..... it feels good to know like... yeah guys, your shit is figured out, i’m not worried about you..... you’re going to be fine. this is brutal a bit, but it’s true. i’m thinking not about ▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ so much. i really don’t give a fuck. like ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ .... ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒. ▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒ ▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ because i don’t have reason to believe ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ the full real me the all of me the everything that i am. i can’t ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ because i’ve been given reasons to think i can’t do it. like the time ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒. ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒. some bullshit like that lol like what am i supposed to say to ▒▒▒ about these things, these deeply political matters? how do i tell ▒▒▒ about these casual musings i have about ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ lol there would just be no way to tell ▒▒▒ about my approach philosophically and intellectually to the concept and theories of violence. you know like i wouldn't want...

i have left ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ on sent. he doesn’t have any response from me, and i’m just like STUPID STUPID STUPID JUST TEXT BSCACK THE HOT GUY WHY CANT YOU JUST TESXT BSCACK THE HOT GUY?

because and the answer is i don’t know. i tell myself it's that i hate texting and there’s no place for texting in my life and i sort of do believe and stand by that.... and....... man.... i should really check in with ▒▒▒▒▒ about buying those tickets to ▒▒▒▒▒.... i should check in with her before she starts to get frekeaed out that i’m not going to go... i’ll do it, it’s just like... so much work... but it’s really not. it’s just it feels like mentally taxing to spend that money and get these things written into stone, set in stone so to speak... but i can really easily figure it out with ▒▒▒▒▒ i can really easily figure it out with her and i’ll do it directly.