i’m realizing, right now, in real time, that...

i was reading something in brothers karamazov, in the first chapter of book twelve, a judicial error, and i was thinking about how that one time in class in cc class, i suggested to everyone that there was an experiment psychologists did which seemed to prove that babies have a sense of morality, because they preferred dolls who appeared to behave prosocially. and the professor laughed at me.

and now he is so depressed that he is receiving tms therapy multiple times per week. and i realize, here, in this moment, that i need to maintain a singular focus on one thing in my life.

depreshun and yes, of course, this is easier said than done, and it’s certainly even easier said when you’re in this room full of other people who are so singularly focused on one thing (preparing for their incoming residency), and it would really be much harder to find this sense of purpose when one is, for example, alone at home..... but, ummmm.... yeah. i think of my depressed professor, and i think of how depression comes from thinking about the past and ruminating and not having shit to do. what i really need is to have something to do, somewhere to go, someone to be. i need these things, and if only i can find that one thing.... one thing....

what i want is to be engaged in something at all times. i want to always have this singular focus, even if that focus is mindfulness and being outside. i want to maintain focus. i want focus, i want to be focused, and i want to not allow myself to be distracted by idle things like whatever is happening or not happening on hinge. i want to be singularly focused.