No I’m not the same
Yeah...... so I’m still here, I still do some of the same stuff, but I’m like.... something is not the same.
Man, what is up with this mental illness rrrrecently? There has been some mental illness going on with me in the last two days.
Bug floating, hovering next to me. Bugs being really sophisticated. The level of sophistication required to just float like that, and then it just bounces its ass against this chair.
And the world, mind you, has continued to find its own homeostasis with me here. like girl you worry so much. You worry so much, as if this butterfly is not going to keep on floating around. As if all the things that float will not just continue to float.
om
It's a monarch butterfly, mind you. The most classic of all butterflies, at least in my world. The migration they do over all those generations is so insane. The concept of a migration, a movement, so to speak, and each generation does not get to experience the entire temporal scope of it.
That’s something I’ve neglected is this thing of TIME when it comes to ants. They may be somewhere on a multi-genenenerational journey. Perhaps it’s true. Peperhapssss their mirgration from megalopolis I to megalopolis II is one such example. Perhaps there were ants who did not survive the entire migration. There certainly were, actually. Think of the ones that got randomly picked off by predators or stepped on by some unsuspecting something, stuck between a hard enough place and a rock enough rock, crushed.
That’s what happens when the pressure between you and the rock and the hard place is too high. When they presss up against you too hard, you literally get crushed. You have to actually PUSH them back from you and get unstuck, and you have to do a serious muscular flexing there. To push the rock away from you, to push the hard place away from you, and to push them both away at the same time, that requires a lot.
Everything is like that. I feel like sometimes I’m at one HP. Sometimes I’m literally on one psychological hit point, and I could be taken out by the weather or an attack or confusion or anything.
Pokémon is just like life. Sometimes the littlest thing will take you out.
It's the little things!
ready for round two
Sometimes you have to actually prove your own executive functioning to yourself to let yourself know that you’re still in control, that you’re still very much in control, you are still very much in control, you are still very much in control, and you are just one person, and you are still just one person, okay, you are still just one person.
As ████ said, it is really fun to be the woke police.
I’m having fun, but I’m also making all that fun mmmiserable for myself? Like I’m making the choices I make, but I’m somehow, for some reason, letting them hurt me? Like these messsages that I send. I always end up overthinking them, and that stops me from sending them. But when I push through that and do the thing and respond and talk, when I do that, it’s sorta like .... it’s sorta like.... I don't actually let myself enjoy it. I don’t let myself be like, "ohhhh, i'mmm having fun, ohhh, that's fun, I’m having fun."
testing
I keep getting bit out here, dude. Enlightenment testing, that’s what I’m doing, I guess, isn’t it. I’m still doing enlightenment tests.
But also actively enjoying some of the early fruits of the life that I’ve built for myself in these three months since school ended, and in all the 27 years before that... the life I’ve built for myself, it does have certain rewards, certain lessons learned, things understood, assurances made, and...
Are you suggesting that I go camping or something? Is that what you are suggesting? A room of my own that is also in the outdoors: is that what you might be suggesting?
My friend, the mosquitos are out. What should we do?
I got bit on the face, I got bit on the face, and....
I love the outdoor world, and I’mmmmmmmmmm willing to inhale citronaellllaaaaaaaaa if it means I get to be outside. I’ll let the bugs bite me. I’ll contribute to the world in that way.
You are going to be making the real big gift to the world when you finally die, in terms of biological materials which will be turned over to other living beings. But you can stilllllll mmmmmmake, and I think you ought to makekke, contributions while you’re alive. I think giving your blood while you’re alive is a fine thing to do. Blood donation, one big mostquito bite. But I don’t donate my blood. I become okay with it being taken from me, this is what I tell myself, but I don't donate it willingly.
there’s a few insults that happen. One is the humiliation of being penetrated by something,
scrap heap, that’s a cool ass site isn’t it, I wonder who runs it.
Big ass black bug flying around, and I was honestly, not gonna lie, scared by it for a moment there.
a bite to my left shoulder.
I can astral project into the mosquitos who have eaten from me, and I can feeeel the loveliness of this feast right now. I can feeeel how little it is for me to sacrifice my blood to let them go on.....
But I know that they know my weaknesses. I know that they know it’s easier to bite me in my ankles cuz I can’t be monitoring those...
And I feel how selfish it is to survive, once more.... how selfish it is...................... I feel it, I feel it, I feel how it is, I feeeel how it is.... I feel how it is.
This is a great closer to the ablum cuz it feels like it’s nighttime and you’ve gone inside and you’re with someone you love.... you’re with one person you love, eeeeee, and you’re together, and you’ve both taken a break from your, uhhhh, from your, you know, from your obligations, and you’re just here together, you feel me? You’re just here, and....
It feels distant. It’s hard to relate to it right now. I can’t quite relate to it. Can you? That feeling of in-lovenesss... I bet it would hit if I had a summer love and then it evolved into something that went into the fall. I’m sure it would, I’m sure it would. But at the same time...
The phone works both ways, like ████ said.
true