yesterday
let it all go
it'''''s a cold day in hell today. but look ,,,, the sun shines. the sun stil shines, doesn't it?
and there, hanging from the dooor, is something that looks very much like a neuron.
i think that nature and life and all that stuff is like dunes... or, nature is like nature. and wind has effects on things..... things tend to collect in lifelike assortments. like, this is really jjjust a clump of hair with a culump of some other such detritus, but look how it formed into something with a cell body, dendrites, a long axon, and then a fucking.... what tdo you call those things at the end of the axon? whatever. those projections from the end. it has all of those things, and what would be the odds of that if we weren't living in a natural and organized world? probably low.
well, since it's now..... sunny out, and it's so cold unless you're in the sun, i suppose i willll make my way out there into the sun and read my boobook.
but that feels almost wrong. that feels almost like i don't want to do it....
i still don't know how to live. i still don't know how to feed myself three square meals a day. i still don't know i still don't know i still don't know. but i sitll try i still persist i still feed myself SOMETHING. i find a way. the superorganism finds a way. and it's all really not serious.
reddit university must be stopped. i'm tireddddd of reddit i'm tired of the screens. last night i had a good wisdom moment when i decided to stop looking at the youtube homepage and go brush my teeeth and experience some boredom. i think boredom is really important. it's also gennnnnerative. it generates cool ideas. as long as you can give yourself enough silence to think of the ideas, there are some coool ones. so what would it look like if you were to just..... to just..... to just think of cool ideas? what would that look like, babe? what would it even look like? i'm not sure... i'm really not sure... but it could be awesome. it could be awesome to just..... let myself be bobored more.
but when the sun is up, i feel like being in the sun, so let's do that.
"the certain knowledge that we shall be heard"
maybe that is why i keep writing, because i know that the words are often going nowhere but to god himself. and why do we fear the jdugment of other men? why do we revere it? why do we put so much into it? when we know how mmmmen can greatly err. it's what men is famous for.... men are famous for greatly errerrrring, aren't we? we are famous for greatly errring. i did it last night. i did it last night, and now, today, i suffer for it. now, today, i suffer for it..... now, today, i suffer for it. i ought to get back to sleeeep pretty soon here, although it literally says in the book i'm reading that sleeeping too much in the daytime is bad. but fuck it, dude, what would be worse would be if i .... fucking.... went through the day tired as a motherfucker. but i suppose.... huh.
burnout
i stilll got it.... i still got it. i'm stillll one of those burnout kids. but what i want is something....what i want is something.
i think it's really sweet what boccaccio was saying at the beginning of the decameron about how he has been offered consolation so many times by so many people that he feels the neeed to repay it, if not to the people who consoled him (to whom such things might be superfluous), thennenenennn to other people who are in need of that same consolation in their own hard times. you know? that is just a wickedly cool sentiment with which to open... a big ass book that opens with "i want to do this for anyone who needs consolation, in memory of those who have offered it to mmmmy own sweet annd sensitive soul."
because it really is a sensitive thing, isn't it, to be one of those people who neeeds shoulders to cry on... but aren't we alllllll somewhat relating to that? i think there is not one of us who has not benefited in some measure from consolation.......
is it all just gone to shit, and the slow march toward death continues regardless of any action i take, and any bad feelings i have or do not have are immaterial to the reality of it all? i think that's definitely the case. i think it's definitely the case, that immaterial thing. it's immaterial! immaterial boys immaterial girls. you could be me and i could be you... always the same and never the same, day by day life after life. fuck it, dude. fuck it, for real, fooooor reaaaalllll, FUCK IT!!!!! just.... fucking.... FUCK IT. fuck it... i'm young. i do not mind fucking up the whole thing...
i'm in the throes of some shit, but i'm also not. i'm also very much in control, except for when i'm not, which is all the time LOL. like if i were in control right now i might just say like... hey let's pretend we got enough sleep last night. let's go back into the past and let's just go straight to bed after big brother ends, you kno? let's just go straight to bed, straight to bed.....
gone
sooooooo morality is still dead!!! that was the moral of the first story of the first day of the decameron. it's funny how morality was dead even then, right? morality was dead,,,,, even then. and we have no way of knowing what god's judgment will be... so we have to rely on the judgment of humans, sort of like a surrogate, and just trust that god has hoepfullly been acting through all of us sufficiently to ensure that humans' judgment doesn't err... but humans' judgment DOES err. it greatly errs. so what then? what do we do when human judgment does err, but human judgment is all we have to go off of in society? what do we do when all we can really ever know in this life is human judgment, not god's, not yet..... what do we do then? is there really an eternal kingdom of heaven? is there somewhere out there where dostoevsky is able to look over the human world and its affairs??
i can totally understand how you would become indifferent to worldly affairs after you die. like i honestly totally get that. like at a certian point this shit is tiresome. i mean like i think i still have lots of tiresomeness left to endure, luckily and mercifully, for a human life really is an act of mercy to be given in the first place, and a chance... it's the universe taking a chance on you, isn't it? the universe has taken a chance on me by allowing me to exist within and withon it. shoutout ████.
so it goes back to friends. the truth is found in your friends. you can see the truth by talking to your friends, by brushing up against them. and that's why it's important to be real with them and truthful with them and take your ego out of it in order to assist with that ssssspiritual journey towarardd truth finding.
life is a movie and you want to be the director——or you want to be an actor——or you want to be in the audience? i guess you're all. you can be all at different times. like you're just theeeee audience when, for example, you are watching a movie. you are literally and figuratively the audience in your own life... but you're not, actually... you're something else. you're dissociated. you're not realy participating in your life... you're dreaming, let's say. when you're watching a movie it's like you're dreaming. you're experiencing someone else's dream.
the point
if you're going to commit yourself to it then go ahead and continue to commit yourself to it. i think the act of devotion, the point, is the point. i think as long as i can continue to let the point be the poiiiint and demonstrate theeeeee factuality of that statement, that the point is the point, then i can continue, and i can rest assured knowing that the universe took a chance on me for good reason.
a lesson i learned from wikipedia... that dishonest signaling threatens to break down the whole system of signaling.... if you signal dishonestly then you will lose the ability for signals to mean anything at all. so the truth is really imporatnt if only for that reason. we have to be signaling honestly, like, we actually just have to. as long as there is honesty in it, then there you go, and it was never a sin to tell the truth,,,, it was never a sin to tell the truth. it was never a sin to tell the truth, and there are many ways of telling the truth, for real....
world, ego
the ego world should be killed. the ego world should be killed. the ego world must be killed. the ego world must be killed. the ego world must be killed. the ego world must be killed. we must kill the ego world. we must kill the ego world. i think we must try to kill the ego. i think the ego muuuust die. i think the ego must die. i am pretty sure the ego ought to die. the ego has to die. we have to kill the ego. the ego must die. kill the ego where it stands. kill the ego where it stands. kill the ego where it stands. kill the ego immediately, posthhhhhhaste. kill the ego posthaste. kill the ego right away, certainly, immediately.
if there is one thing to relelentlessly pursue it is truth.
so then the truth here in this moment is that i'm still hungry.
there is truth to be expressed in between the lines. you can exxxpress truth between the lines just by showing up and talking. speaking in tongues is still a form of truth ,,, a kind of truth. we can't discern the words or wehther the words themselves are literally true, but there is truth in the expression of that particular state. we get to decide what the truth means to us, but the person, for all intents and purposes, even if they are "faking it," iiiis expressing a truth.... they might express "i'm faking it," but that is still a truth. there is truth to be discerned in every action, i think, and that might be why i believe so much in proliferation and prolifiiciicication.
pokemon cards as bookmarks
that is how i would describe my gender identity. my gender is i use pokemon cards as bookmarks. that's all.
i have given my life over to scholarship. i am a huge nerd continuing to read and write and listen to ryoji ikeda all morning, and into the afternoon, probably, tooo..... i will continue this nerd lifestyle until it does not fit me anymore, until it no longer suits me.
i know fanon was saying that we need action more than we neeeed words, and he was right about that, and that is something bocaccio was saying as well. he was like do we really think we can deceive god with false words which are merely words? do you really think, do you reallyyy think you can pull such a deception on god, who knows what your intentions are and judges them accordingly, seeming to pay no mind to the words that you say? no mind is paid to the words themselves, ant . it is not about the words. it is about the weight, about the texture, more than any single piece of it, than any single word. it's about accumulation and repetition more than it is about the plots, the specific words. it's far more about the other stuff... far, far more about the other stuff... the ants stillll weigh more than the elephants.
the leaves have not fully changed into their fall colors, though they show signs of continuing to do so. there is one main sentinel tree which tells of the changing of falll more accurately than the rest of the forest... although in order to get the full story you really do have to voyage elsewhere.
it's nice to get back into the shit i was studying in college, but with a clearer head, without deadlines, without being forced into anything in particular. it's nice to puruse what i'm actually interested in, in each moment. i'm far more interested in this kind of life than the others that were being offered.
grasshopper just fell from the sky. hey buddy, can i say hi?