I was looking at

a caterpillar.

And then I got distracted by some web bullshit. Some shit on the web, you know.... same old shit, same old shit.... it’s just getting caught in the web, the web of lies dare I say, dare I call it a web of lies, because is that not exactly what it is? that internet, which we all knowingly use, you know, that we all use and that we are all using... Last night I was getting super paranoid. I didn't like. it felt strange and almost.... I didn’t like how it made me feel. It made me feel unsafe. And then the whole... yeah. I was just getting paranoid, but we talked it through, communication went a long way, but the truth is I was getting paranoid! But now I’m able to switch back into the pronoia mindset. I’m pronoid now. Now I’m like okay so the universe wants me to be happy...... the universe is manifesting good things and happpinesss for me, and there goes a dragonfly flitting around on the fence.... looking for prey, dare I imagine? Now that I know dragonflies are apex predators, I think I've started to stereotype them. I’ll look at a dragonfly and be like huh what intentions do you have.... Ms. Rachel is certainly a national treasure. There’s no doubt about that. There are some times when we can allow ourselves to be dumb!!! We can allow ourselves to be much dumber than we are... And what do I mean by dumb, you’re asking? What do I mean by dumb, indeed.... what do I mean by that, for real, actually, what do I mean by it? I’ll think about that for a moment... please hold. while you wait What do I mean by dumb? I mean putting less thought into things!

stop thinking,

ant. Can you do it? I think beautiful, amazing, precious, and treasured things will happen when you stop thinking. They will happen. You will be okay. Just stop thinking, and do stuff that you want to do. For realsies, broski, you can stop thinking now, okay? You can go ahead and stop thinking. Stop thinking; it’s not good for you. It’s time to stop thinking. So I will stop thinking. I’m going to think less. I think thinking less is a fine thing to do. Because overthinking gets us all nowhere, don’t you think? I’m getting rid of it! Right here and rigtht now, I’m getting rid of it.......... Kill the thought as soon as it arrives, you know? Like waohvicky said. Like she said!!! like she said, like she said, like she said. she was right. She was very much correct. She was soooo right, actually. Woahvicky, thank you for your service. Right now I would honestly like to take a nap.... To not think about things in your own life is a blessing. to write about anything other than your own life and your problems with it, that is a privilege and a blessing, amen. I look at foucault’s pendulum sitting in front of me and I’m like, that thing was a serious endeavor for him to write, and it required a certain peace and serentity of mind, I’m sure!!!! does anyyyyyyyone actually write a novel worth reading before tha age of 30? I can't think of anyone who did it. Most of the classics and masterpieces get written from places of psychological safety and AGE that one can only get with.... age. I’m so tired right now, actually, so tired, so tired..... should I go take a nap, maybe I will take a nap, maybe a nap is on the horizon for me.... what do you think? the less thinking option would be to take a nap right now.

i took the nap

and it was so fucking long. I was liiiiiiiyiing there in bed for god only knows how long. nearly three hours? Holy shit dude. I guesss.... this is what it’s like. Doesn’t feel that good. Neeed to feel the sun on my skin. I’m sure you understand. it’s now basically the morning time again. I woke up, and now I feel like I have to do the whole morning routine allll over again, even though I already ███ ██████████ ███ ███ ███████ █████ ████ ███████ ██████ ███ █████████ █████ ████ █ ██████, ████, ████████ ██ █████ █████████ █████’█ █████ █████ ███ █████████████ ███ ███ █ ████ ██████████████ ██████ ████ ██ ███ ███ ████ ███ █████ ██████, all these things. The thing is when I went to sleep I started thinking in laungnageuge , in prose. The prose... it expresses itself in a sort of stream in my consciousnesss that is parallel to my inner monologue. It doesn’t feel like I’m in voluntary control over the prose itself. It doesn’t feel like the inner monologue. I mean, it’s inner, and it’s seemingly a monologue, but I guess it’s more like an inner novel. And it unfurls. It has this sense of unfurling quite quickly..... it’s almost like I’m reading. Yes, that’s it. It’s my inner reader. It’s my reading. I’m reading things inside of my brain. Right now dude though right now what is there to do? I had this sense of unreality as I walked out. I feel this sense of overwhleming unreality, like I can’t quite respond to anything. I did make a 9/11 joke, but that's okay. My ability to joke anbout 9/11, that is my proof of life. If you’re not able to quit then I would suggest doing a bad job. nobody neeeeds anything from you as much as it seems like they do. the world technically needs me to be a doctor, but I’m not doing that shit. I’m not saying we all need to quit our jobs and just sit at home alone all day. I’m saying we need to quit our jobs and play outside!!! There is a huge difference between the two. I got this vaguely threatening text saying that █ █████ ███████████ ███ ████████ ████████ ██ ███████ ██ █████████? Yeah whatever that means. The way that I would get stigmatized as an unpempployed freerider lowlife miscreant, I think that is actually an honest signal that it’s what I ought to do. I think the nation we live in is so backwards that every day is almost like opposite day. And when someone from an inistitutiton tells you that you have done a good job, that is almost the opposite of the truth. Like, when you do a good job in medicine, it’s when you’ve done something exrtremely wicked and shockingly vile, llike snitching on a guy for having a vape in the psych ward. I really snitched on that dude.. and got his ass in serious trouble. Snitches get stitches, though, you know? They say that snitches get stitches, and I believe that to be true. I snitched on that man that day, and then █████ █████ high fived me. I did express some discontent over snitching, but I was only met with "no, you did a good job." What happens when you get positive feedback for something that you in your heart feel is wrong? You begin to feel that YOU are the one who would be wrong if you were not to keep this job. You would be the crazy one, wouldn’t you? you would be the crazy one. You would be the crazy one, wouldn’t you? You would be the crazy one. You would be the crazy one if you quit your job. The society is so sick and twisted, and we are all sort of hypnotized by it. There is a folie à tout happening, or would it be tout le monde, I’m not sure.... but everyone is crazy, occupational psychosis being what it is,,, it’s all just fucking crazy. Someday I’ll tell that story with the man and the vape... well, I guess I did tell it. But no, someday I’ll sit down and say there are times in life when... I’ll talk about how in the animal kingdom there are signals being sent constantly all the time, about how they think that stotting is a way for four-legged creatures to signal to predators that they are too young and fit to be attacked and killed, about how there are things that animals wear, elaborate costumes to signal that they are evolutionarily, reproductively fit... or so the signaling theory goes.... Signaling theory posits that honest signaling allows the whole system of signaling to continue. But there will always be those dishonest signalers, and even one dishonest signal threatens to undermine the whole system of signaling. Just imagine if someone lied and said "Yes, you are clear for takeoff, pilot," but they’re not, and then it’s a plane crash, and then suddenly no one in the nation trusts the airplanes,,, and the whole airline economy would break down. I think dishonest signaling might be a good way of shutting down some of this shit that should not be running. And honest signaling is actually allowing certain things to continue running that ought not continue..... but some of that "honest signaling" is not fully honest, is it? They’re honest when they say that you have no planes around you, but they are dishonest when they imply that you OUGHT to go forth and fly that plane. Because alllllllll signs otherwise say that you should not fly that plane, that air travel itself is fucked, that we don't do that, that we just simply don’t do it. That we don't, shouldn't, and can't do it. cuz like So like.... sometimes dishonest signaling that undermines the whole system might actually be important. Because I went through medical school, and I was signaling honestly that I was competent, that they could give me the degree, that I knew enough medicine... I took two exams that were hours and hours long, all to signal that I have enough knowledge to become an intern and take over care of people’s health. I was signaling my own competetnce, but all of those signals were false, they were dishonest, they were lies, they did nto communicate the actual honest truth, which was that I was miserable in that place every single day. Granted, maybe I put out some signals that communicated my misery, but I don’t think I ever fully, openly, honestly communicated that. I’ve already been turned down by one job and ghosted by another. What does that tell you? That this degree is a dead fucking end if you want to do anything other than medicine or evil work selling your soul to corporations. shit, maybe I can try selling my soul. ███ said, "How are the ants today?" and then engaged in some nonverbal, sign language-esque communication to confirm that I’m okay. This is how it feels to have signaled hooenstly that I had discomfort. It gives people the opportunity to check in on me more and shit.... Anyway, I feel better, more valid, more sharpened, and I’m ready for the rest of this day.

so like,

I WAS COOKING AND MICROGSOSOFOT WORD CRASHED AND I LOST WHAT I HAD COOKED. NOW MILLIONS ARE GOING TO STARVE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE LOSSSSSS OF LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA THAT JUST HAPPENED? DO YOU NOT FEEEL THE BURN? DO YOU NOT SMELL THE SMOKEEEEE? DO YOU NOT SEEEE THE BURNING PAGES FALLING OUT OF SHELVES ONTO THE FLOOOOOR, BURNING THE FLOOR, BURNING YOUR FOOT, TRAVELING UP YOUR PANTS LEGS AND UP TO YOUR FUCKING FACE AND BURNING YOU ALIVE? DO YOU NOT FEEL HOW IT FEELS TO BURN INSIDE OF THE LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA? I DON'T LIKE GOING DOWN WITH THE SHIP I DON'T WANT TO GO DOWN WITH THE SHIP I’M NOT GOING GODWN WITH THE SHIP BREH I’M NOOOTTTTT GOING DOWN WITH THE FUCKING SHIPPP!!!! I CAN’T DO IT BROOOOOO... it's hard not to let paranoia kick in and think I’m somehow being sabotaged. At least when I had this happen in pokemon I knew it was cuz I hit the device in a certain way or accidentally ejaculated the game cardttridigigegege.g.e.g... UGH MANNNN THAT SUCKS THEY GOT MY ASSSS THEY REALLY GOT MY ASSS ACTACTUALLYLYLYLYYYY. I’m inclined by this j dilla song to think that things are different now, that it’s officially fall or something. That we are now in some kind of new situation. okay so like, yeah ,,, uhhh like.... One sec. perhaps my CALLING is to be a clown. Do I believe in calling? I think maybe. I think I believe that there are certain things we get calleld to do at certain times, and sometimes there is nothing you’re called to do but write and read. You can do periods of straight up reading and writing for a while. There was no revolution that was going to get planned on microsoft word, bro...... Anyway, I was talking about dishonesty and how dishonesty is more honest than honesty, as we define it. I think it was about how we’re programmed by certain thigns. It was because I had decided to close the cabinet door.... I had decided to stem the tides of entropy at the cabinet level.................. Wouldn’t it actually be more honest, albeit less prosocial, to leave these things subject to entropy, to allow entropy to do its thing, and, if anything, celebrate it? it’s going to happen; you might as well celebrate. The things that are going to happen you actually have to find a way to celebrate. If I can plan to celebrate the moment when my death finally really is imminent, if I can anticipate that it’s going to happen, then I can let myself surrender to the ecstasy when the time comes. Is not that the goal, to have the moment of death, or at least the moment of knowing that one is GOING to die, be some kind of celebration... some kind of COPE. The ultimate cope is coping with your own death. first and foremost, you have to lowkey grieve yourself. Think about what will happen in the world when you become absent from it. What do you think will happen to the world? When you become absent from the world, what will become of it? I can’t even .... think of it. My mind interprets it as a block and does not even attempt to persist. It seeems solely and singularly focused on the before-death times, right now. The mind does not care what the fuck happens at or after death lmfao. The mind wants to do this thing right now. The mind wants to be alive. The mind is probably at the very least giving death a sidelong glance, but mostly is staying the ocurse and being alive and celebrating that, and working from there, and knowing that we don’t even control anything RIGHT NOW, let alone AFTER DEATH, bro. You think you have control right now, babe? it’s an illusion, if anything. It is an illusion of control, if I may so express it. It is more honest to behave dishonestly toward the people around you. In ways that you might initially consider dishonest... in favor of true, deep honesty... true honesty... true, actual honesty, true and complete and total and actual honesty. True and complete and total and unabashed... unabashednesss. I keep asking myself what would be the upshot of complete and total honesty with everyone all the time? What if we were straight up honest all the time? Signaling theory fails to consider that everything is it. It’s a classic case of humility going before the fall. And fall is happening soon, here, people, and the point is fall is going to happen regardless. This is basically what lauryn hill was saying in everything is everything. After winter must come spring, change it comes eventually. This is entropy. This is entropy, this is admitting to the supremacy of entropy above all else, but also the endless, cycling nature of time and seasons. Change, it comes eventually. The seasons want to continue to happen. If they change character, if their characters develop, and winter becomes more like fall, fall more like summer, summer more like hell, then they will still be seasons. Ms. Lauryn will be correct, even through climate change. She knew.... She knew. She was operating at the level of a prophet.......... Yes....... Yess.s..... yes.... Yes.... Yes yes yes yesy sy eys ey se yey sy esy se yeys yesy esy yesy eys eys ey sey yes y esy esy esy esy ye sy sey esy esy esy esy esy esy sey es. after winter what are we going to do now? keep reading and writing? That’s pretty much what my life has become. am I just doing it for the love of the game? is this all in the name of commitment to some kind of strange bit? Is it all just a bit, I wonder.... I think it is... I think it is... I think it is.

predreams

Steel magnolias, no happiness like relief, but why did he let me kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeep going? Is there something I’m still missing? Do I continue to miss the point of having gone through all that? One of the points is ████ I never would have met ████ if I had ddropppeped out when I wanted to and by the time iiiiiii met ████ she kinda fueled me through the rest of it, and then it was tooo late, too stupid to drop out. so late in the gammmmmmmme, it would not really have made any type of sense I like eating corn chips cuz it's kinda just like, first of all, something to do, and second of all, not wreaking havoc on my body as far as I can tell. It's a pretty safe foood, is it not? Like okay so you call it empty calories, but i'm like........... no harm no foul? Like it's just something to do. sue me I wanna have something to do . Sue me I wanna eat something, sue me I wanna eat soemthing .... etc it’s like I can feel myself at the drag race all stars 12 finale, and the judges feeel an almost uncannny distance away........ and like uhuuhhhhhhhhh... idk what any of it looks like I think I read somewhere they were in a square... you we don’t fettle with women we’re just not going to use thm asomahyvision vision the sweet sweet emrravemfmfmfmfmfjfffj fell into this snazzy flirtatious dream two straight white people paying for the thing, she said dddddddddddddddddddd I lost it we have all these dreams these apppearances likkkkjjjjj sometimes you get rigid in a thought process especially when ego performance shame are involved when you feeuuso then yeaheeeeee i'm still just out here i'm still loving life holy shit I love life so much thank god I got writing and sleeeping I love all the things i'm doing and about to do at the moment i'm grateful and blessed even for the apparent mosquito bite on my right foootooot even and in spite of.... But right now what I want SOOOO MUCH is to go to sleep so i'm gonna do it.... twice today what I’ll have gone to sleep "because I felt like it" yes that’s what these days are about so alwaawsssoisssysys good to end one on this principle this simple act of self listening . Love you byeeee