it’s the end of the workday, and i absolutely need to buy gum before i do whatever the next thing is. i’m probably going to go sit in the park after this, and i’m honestly maybe even looking forward to that more than the date i’m about to go on. mostly because dates, you know, are inherently somewhat anxiety-provoking. but i suppose when it’s slightly less anxiety-provoking when you know them sort of well....

i feel bad because that lady seemed sad when i said it was my second-to-last day. she said, 'i had no idea. i would’ve brought in the poems.' it’s sad, but still, you know, there was that thing z███ said earlier: 'sometimes, isn’t it beautiful to, like... isn’t it beautiful to, like...' well... what is it i’m trying to say here..... 'let the time you shared be enough'? let it be the beautiful gift that it was'——the operative word there being WAS. some things end... all things end, really. and i think you gotta get used to things ending. you gotta be okay with it. you gotta learn.

z███'s door is still closed.

there is a box of masks with the image of a woman’s face on it, and she’s wearing a mask, and she's looking at camera.

a████ was talking about how, when she was trying to get her visa in this country, the agent asked for her social media handles. when she said she didn’t have any, they became suspicious and asked more questions.

surveillance is a weapon of fascism, and the hawthorne effect is the result. you know you’re being observed (or that you might be being observed), and that changes your behavior. there is not really any privacy anymore.

•

winter sitting on this big ass boulder in central park, i had my first real ant-watching moment of the season. i realized instantly how much i’d missed them.

imy d███ seems like he feeels bad for keeping me waiting, but he shouldn't. one of life's greatest pleasures is uninterrupted time to watch ants.

this particular ant... it was beckettian in that nothing happened, but it still contained so much.

what a good opportunity it was to reflect on things. what has changed about me since the last time i was able to watch ants, and what hasn't... and stuff. yeah, whatever, bro... it’s not that serious.

i look up and see the moon. it’s a half-moon right now, which signifies something, i’m sure.

i supppose it’s just about time to head over. d███ is getting there in nine minutes, and idk how far way i am.

but the ant, though... the ant....

when i first started watching it, it was biting at a little piece of debris. i think it was a dried leaf. it kept returning to it. it stayed within a three-centimeter radius of that piece of dried leaf.

as i imagined its mandibles crunching down on it, i realized how young this thing must be. today might be this thing’s first day on earth. same goes for that little housefly that perched on my kindle as i was reading the chapter in brothers karamazov where alyosha finally reunites with mitya the day before he was to receive his judgment from god....

all these bugs. it's their first day (maybe), and there’s something really beautiful and special about that. i can relate to them. fuck it, this is my first day, too.

anyway, yeah, d███ was late. it’s whatever. "i think what’s wild might be meant to be." shoutout waxahatchee playing us into the spring.

squirrel running across the playground. it’s a nice, expansive, choose-your-own-adventure kind of situation. it’s mostly just terrain. it's brutalist but so beautiful. all these circles overlappping with each other. some have grass inside, others have turf...

anyway, yeah, see ya later. it’s ant season, baby.