i’m sitting here at 5:20 PM. it’s the end of the workday, and i absolutely need to purchase gum before i do whatever the next thing is. i’m probably going to go sit in the park for some time after this, and i’m honestly maybe even looking forward to that more than ths date i’m about to go on. mostly because dates, you know, dates... are inherently somewhat anxiety-provoking, but when it’s with your man-who-isn’t-your-man who you have a strong connection with... it’s slightly less anxiety-provoking, isn’t it... isn’t it, when you know them sort of well...

i feel bad because ....damn, and the song even came on. monday, monday. i—, the older lady... she’s 7x. we hugged at the end... she seemed sad when i said it was my second-to-last day. she said, 'i had no idea. i would’ve brought in the poems.' i feel for it.... i feel for her, i feel for me, i feel it all.... it’s sad... but still, you know, there was that thing z— said earlier, that thing of, like.... 'sometimes, isn’t it beautiful to, like... isn’t it beautiful to, like...' well... what is it i’m trying to say here..... 'let the time you shared be enough'? let it be the beautiful gift that it was—the operative word there being WAS. some things end... all things end, really. and i think you gotta get used to things ending. you gotta be okay with it. you gotta learn. those are the facts, america.

z—'s door is still closed.

there is a box of masks with the image of a woman’s face on it, and she’s wearing a mask, and she's looking at camera,,, hence, looking at me,... and of course surveillance comes to mind.

but also, surveillance comes to mind because a— was talking about how, when she was trying to get her visa in this country, the agent asked for her social media handles, and when she said she didin’t have any, they became more suspicious and asked more questions. what the fuck is going on right now? we are in a fascist situation here. that’s something a— and i agreed on.

the hawthorne effect... that right there is fascism. you know you’re being observed (or that you might be being observed), and that changes your behavior. all of this is on fucking google, bro. i’m not doing this from the comfort of my own privacy. there is not really any privacy anymore.

anyway, xxx has another xxxxxx xxxx xxxxxxxx on xxx xxxx, and it’s hard not toxxxxxx xxxxx here. like, you were going to the xxxxxx xxxx, babe, and you wanted to be xxx before you xxxxxx xx xxxxxx, so what you want me to say, you know? xxxx xxxxxx xxxxx, xxx xxxxxx xxxxx.... idk lol. and she asked me to xxxx xxxxxx... get a xxxxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxx xxxxxxx, and i have to gently say xx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. i don’t have the xxxx xxxxxx.

• • • • • • ••

winter feels important enough to get out my laptop while sitting on this big ass boulder in xxxxxx park: my first real ant-watching moment of the season. i realized instantly how much i’d missed them.

imy c— seems like he feeels bad for keeping me waiting, but he shouldn't. one of the best delights and pleasures i’ve ever found in life is uninterrupted time to watch ants.

this particular ant... it’s like beckettian in that nothing happened, but it still contained so much. i was just like... it’s so easy to lock in watching an ant. i love them so much.

and what a good opportunity it is to reflect on things. what hasn’t changed about me since the last time i was able to watch ants, and what has... and stuff. yeah, whatever, bro... it’s not that serious. it’s not really worthy of deep contemplation, but it’s certainly something.

and i look up, and i see the moon. it’s a half-moon right now.... which signifies something, i’m sure. there’s something half about what it is that i’m doing hereeeeeeeeeeeeee........ yeah, sure, whatever. yeah, sure, fine.

anwywaywyayaywayawy i supppose it’s just about time to head over.... cuz c— is getting there in nine minutes, and idk how far way i am, really... ummm yeah.

okay, but the ant, though... the ant... it was spending a lot of time when i first started watching it, just like... seemingly biting away at a little piece of debris. my suspicion is that it was a dried leaf. it kept returning to it. it stayed within a three-centimeter radius of that piece of dried leavf, and it kept... i imagined its mandibles trying to crunch down on it... and i realized how young this thing must be. this must be this thing’s first time on ewarth, right... and same goes for that little housefly looking thing that perched on my kindle as i was reading the chapter in brothers karamazov about alyosha finally reuniting with mitya the day before he would receive his judgment from god....

anyway, yeah, all these bugs, it's their first time, and there’s something really beautiful and special about that. i feel like.. it’s easy to relate to them. fuck it, this is my first time, too.

anyway, yeah, c— is late. it’s whatever. it’s like... i think what’s wild might be meant to be. shoutout waxahatchee playing us into the spring.

and with that, i leave you. bye!

squirrel running across the playground. it’s a nice, expansive, choose-your-own-adventure kind of playground. it’s mostly just terrain, and i'd call it brutalist if it weren’t so beautiful. all these circles overlappping with each other. some have grass inside, others have turf...

anyway, yeah, see ya later. it’s ant season, baby.