It’s not going to wait up. It could end any time for reasons that wouldn’t ever be in my control. With that being said this is my last night sleeping in this bed for a little bit. A few days, maybe. Unless—and this is really the one condition under which it wouldn’t be the last night—i wake up tomorrow and feel like I’m actually ill, not just in a snow-melting cat-scratch-allergies way.
So that feels good. I feel empowered, as if life really is up to me, and as long as the deal with the devil has been made (the deal being that the bacteria will keep me alive only as long as they can, and then they’ll take me over), I might as well just live and experience shit in any shape, way, form, and all of the above. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
For now I have taken control back over my life. It could go well or poorly, but at least it will be of my own volition.
Nothing else to say on that topic. Only dreams now. I’m singing a song in my head about a boy and a girl.
Who knows if I’ll see [ ] this week. In theory I should. But that’s sort of secondary to the whole project of just existing for a few days. Five days. Tomorrow in the morning I’ll eat my breakfast i bought peanut butter today so i can have peanut butter for breakfast and head the fuck out
I realize that I forgot to text back [ ] this evening but I’ll just text her in the morning I’m waking up early enough
I guess in theory i should text her back now so let’s just fucking do that who cares. But do I really want to do that and what difference will it make? I can just do it tomorrow. No I’ll do it now fuck it.
•
That was just simply so easy and so not time consuming and so non disruptive
The mental claclulus was as follows
If I don’t text back I will maintain comfort but it will come at a cost, for my subconscious will be tarnished by the fact that I didn’t text her back and it could create a toxic-enough mental space to have strange or at least not altogether beautiful dreams
That was enough to get me to text back, and I’m glad I did, because (1) it’s what I did, so obviously I should be glad for it, because now it’s set in stone, there’s no other way for it to have posssilbly gone, and (2) because now [ ] will have peace of mind that I went to bed safely and she will know that I was thinking of her before I went to bed and tomorrow she will receive the news of my travels more readily having been in good communication with me today, and (3) even better, my dreams tonight are poised to be comforting and—well—exciting, frankly, because look at how I’ve just premeditated the picking-of-myself-up-by-my-bootrstraps to make tomorrow into something truly special, a day that I have never experienced before, the likes of which can only be foreseen in the process of dreaming up one’s own life for oneself. The plan that has been the plan all along.
I have plans to make a plan and execute said plan and we will see what the plan develops into tomorrow I’m literally living my own life being a random person being someone who exists in other people’s lives and shows them, through byproducts of living, what it is to live the life of some random person.
I imagine a white man with a drake bell slash beatles style bowl cut sweeping brown bangs and he has on black wayfarer sunglasses and a black tux he’s just looking around can’t see where he’s looking cuz of the sunglasses you know
And then theres sunkern and there’s a little pikachu and a meowth of course and drifblim and who else? Ohh ampharos is there too and croagunk is there and alder the guy from xd with his dress and his cardigan and his pikachu, and remember how he runs and how he sends all those emails with the typos?
espeon actually sorry for that corkscrew up corkscrew like treponema pallidum corkscrew like that other bacteria in the sphere of a corkscrew we all know there’s another one and i wish i could say it’s on the tip of my tongue but it simply isn’t, not unless its gonorrhea or something, but I’m sure that’s not it either.
No matter. I think of eighties leading ladies and how their hair looks and how their faces look so pale in the klieg light or maybe that’s not the word maybe that’s just in live theater which obviously I love and thinkthe world needs way wa y way waywa ways awya way way more of which is why [ ].
Horse horse with weird small wide set eyes but looks otherwise normal can still run just fine
Then there’s the dna splicers from pokemon infinite fusion (clearly a lot of pokemon visuals) and there’s a flapping beard maybe of poseidon in the water and master hand coming down but not all the way down before a technicolor star glitches out and speaks out these uncanny contrasted colors like you see in an old-fashioned tv on no channel just staticking but it has those colors like red magenta yellow and green don’t you remember
I think of my grandmother and a child next to her eating peanuts and they’re in her house and she’s not doing bad work per se but she does it with malice in her heart the root of which I was never able to fully understand and which I don’t know if she’s ever been able to articulate
I’m sure if she went to therapy she would hate every second of it and I don’t think she should do it
Kevin from the office wearing a bob wig made out of the kind of string on a hula skirt but the string is gold its like a gold helmet hat sort of thing and it looked good on him but he gets escorted out by staff believing he has smoked too many or is just simply truly retarded,” and all of this is said before our main character realizes that someone must be watching them, and they do know that this bunny hopping in front of them is a threat, but the knowledge that they’re being watched is enough fire to get them to kill the rabbit, thus making themselves and others safe from rabies, but the other thing about it is that maybe on another day he would’ve just sat around and said, “”yeah we can talk about that, just onneeeeee more concept for me please” and it leads to a resentful relationship. You can’t just live all your life thinking like that. Thinking in general. There’s way more fucking to it like having sex and feeling close to someone and your teeth turning orage for who knows why and harambe still being part of the collective unconscious
Just heard a somewhat loud crash I’m not sure where that would’ve come from but I need my body to metabolize whatever stress hormone it just released cuz how am I supposed to fall asleep with that stuff hanging out in my abdomen so we take deep breaths we thank the box fan sound effect playing behind us and we move on and we will fall asleep soon
Flacccid cartoon penis with a face on the tip who is mounted to some kind of goal post and the goalie is in the net of course but he’s just a silhouette while we can see the cartoonish dick loud and clear someone shoots the ball and it sinks into the back of the net just like you wanna see and the dick smiles down at them all and feels proud of the work of the people who represent him
Oh man and the whole huge dick in the atttic in whatever fucking movie that was, the strange thing about the robnisons I think? Or no it was beau is afraid
Either way the box fan podcast just played an ad which also scared me and now my brows have to relax from furrowed position and my head aches a teeny bit behind my eyes and I feel compelled to give up for the night but I see a determined baby deer, close-up shot of her face, and it’s a white-beige face and the nice amber-colored fur surrounds it and I bet she has spots on her back but we only see her determined gaze focused to our right and down position it’s a striking image one that begs to be painted so I will someday
I can’t wait to keep living my life it’s going to be great and fun it’s just amazing to think about so here we will go and I’m still compelled to stop
But I imagine a bookshelf that is actually full of volumes I’ve never read and all that knowledge and i lokk forward to being ina place like that sometime in ehte future dont you look forward to it ttooo?
Get on facebook marketplace and get [ ] a floor lamp for his living room so it’s not so goddamn fluorescently lit all the time
Cave woman with a dress—a brown one with tattered bottom but it’s nearly floor length
It’s possible for cave people to be elegant
Idea of cave person grasping the idea of elegance and artistic sensibility it doesn’t seem too far off and after all someone had to be the blueprint for fashion and haven’t humans always had the berry desire to create? Esyes i meant to say berry because i thought of berries before i was finished typing that
And I can always put them in the freezer if I’m worried about them spolling when I’m gone
That’s true of everything
I’m done I see shadows and ghostly faces but just the cartoon kind like in sponegeobob
Spongebob and patrick laugh their respective iconic distinctive laughs and sandy ties up the alaskan bull worm’s tongue and with that we will enter the dreamworld now and forever, forever for however long it lasts this time, streets of Paris with the perspective as if everyint is shrinking rapidly as you look further out into horizon
It’s beautiful
And [ ] is there oan the park bench looking at me then looking at the sunset
And we watch it togehter