hhhhhhhhello, is this thing on? i think i am on, and i can tell because i let out a deep sigh just now. it’s a weird time and place to be alive.

american culture is so devoid any spiritual substance. our spiritual capacities have been sucked dry. we have willingly and unwillingly surrendered all of our capacities to big screen. we have have dumped out most of our critical thinking abilities, and we are made to think that it's okay to just do the screen thing all day.

and then you get lazy and then you can’t take it anymore, you can’t take anything actually real, and you won’t allow yourself to ever, ever face reality. you can’t face it. you have to hire someone else, pay them money, to come to your house and kill the creature before it has a chance to die. you’ve just killed a dog. you killed an animal, and i unfortunately cannot speak to that right now. i can’t do it. i couldn’t bring myself to do it today, yet.

i can’t tolerate this. i feel so hurt by it that i have no choice but to put a curse on them myself. i think if that is what the way... i think that is.... i don’t know. i don’t want to punish them. i really don’t want to punish them, but i want them to.... i don’t want anything from them.

i think this might be the first of many bad fruits they will get from going through with this. i’m a tuning fork, and unfortunately i have to play a tone of disapproval.

i haven’t been able to think of anything to say. there was a moment an hour ago when i thought, okay, maybe i can say i hope everyone is okay and i love you, but then i thought better of it. in the same moment i thought of it, i let it fall away, back into the ocean, and i retreated into myself, used my screen to numb the pain.

i just can’t understand how we got here as society. how the fuck have things gotten this bad? are white people really this fucked and depraved? yes, they are. i shouldn’t be surprised. marcus aurelius said you shouldn’t be surprised when people know not what they do. i shouldn’t be surprised, and i should lead with love, but in this moment, here, now, i can’t really do it.

i feel like i’m somewhat ready to leave society for real this time. i think i need to get out of here. i want to be done. can i be done, please? can i please just be done? i’m so tired... i’m so very tired... not going to kill myself, obvoiously, that’s not a thought on my mind, not an option at this point anymore. i just think that i’m sort of maybe ready to let it all go and go live in some kind of community... fuck, dude, what the hell am i supposed to do? do i just move to tibet and be done with all the rest of this bullshit forever and ever amen type shit? maybe we could.

i have a little bump. maybe it's cancer. maybe i’ll die in a few days, too, like the dog. maybe this is more of an ending than we even thought.

i hear some kind of screeching, as if agreeing with me and this dark conclusion. but then it stops, as all sounds do. they all stop, and then they get forgotten soon after. some sounds seeem to lodge in a sulcus on our brain and create some kind of micro folding to house the synapse or something.....

there is a little nihilism that slips in every now and then. i think it dresses itself up in budddhism to prevent me from ever getting too nihilistic, because i really don't want to be, i think there is meaning...

it would be easy to start going down the path of borderline personality disorder. start threatening suicide more. say "i will consider killing myself if you guys kill the dog." i could've done that.

k--- said today that it's not about being right or wrong, and yeah, okay, fine, i guess, whatever, sure, but at the same time... it feels deeply wrong to kill an animal like this, espeically one you claim to love. how can you love the animal and deprive it of a real shot at being present for its own death process? they started sedating her, and then they fuckin like..... then she stopped doing anything....

sigh

stop trying bro, this world is fucked up. how we think we have to intervene at every fucking step of an animal's existence. what if you backed off for one single second. i wish i could've been there, and more importantly i wish she could've chosen her own adventure for the dying process. why couldn't she have just died in [region] so she could run off to the woods if she wanted to and return herself to her favorite spot on earth, you know? instead she’s going to get fucking burned into ash and kept in a container for however long it takes for someone or something to knock that container open and send it spilling out. if i can get my hands on it, i’ll spread the ashes in [region] and find some peace that way, though i’ll always see this as a kind of failure on my part: failure to prevent the people around me from making decisions that will hurt them and others. that was an extremely, incredibly hurtful decision which i don’t respect. i feel horrible about it toward them, and i feel bad that i feel so badly toward them, that i’m feeling so badly about both of them for doing this, ...

k--- suggested, somewhat psychoanalytically, that the grief is disguising itself as anger or something. i don’t buy it. i think that line of thinking would only prevent me from breaking down what it is that is making me upset. not that i have to, but i think for the sake of diagnosing the problem, i can give it some thought. and what i came up with is what i came up with. i don’t have to spell it out for you right now. i feel like i’ve said enough already for you to have a pretty good guess at what i might say if i were to let you know everything that’s been on my mind as i’ve gone in and out of crying this evening since getting back to my apartment from k---’s. but she was suggesting the thing about how the anger is somehow not real, and she was undermining my philosophical position by telling me that i’m a stupid liberal and i’m not a real leftist and there are echo chambers and i’m in the majority and she dsisagrees with my stance on assisted suicide and....

bottom line, i don't think it's good for people to kill. i think i would prefer if we didin't do stuff like that. i know decolonization requries violence, and it’s not a metaphor, and it’s not done with these simple exchanges of smiles and good tidings at halloween parties dressed as waluigi. it is abject terror and violence and it is people killing people, and it's things getting blown up, and it’s animals dying, land becoming inhospitable... it’s about all of these things..... but not like this.

the colonial situation is such that people will hire a company to send a worker to come to their house and inject their pet with some lethal poison that’s going to make them not be alive anymore.

imagine getting sedated, you don't know where you are or how to do anything, you’re fucking sedated, and then while you're sedated you get more and more sedated and then finally you’re asleep and then they give you the kill shot and they kill you while you are asleep, while your defenses are so low that you can’t even think properly... you just enter a dream that suddenly ends, or something like that... you still get to die, you still do die, but it’s probably fucking disorienting and confusing as hell and she'll just wake up as an animal again, as confused as ever, just trying to survive in the goddamn world....

i don’t know who she will be reincarnated as. i think we really taught her a lot about the hworld just by giving her the space to go out and learn those things herself, from her own experience... from her own experience, she learned, and she had this beautiful life, and now she got killed by manmade forces beyond comprehension. terrors and horrors and evils. manmade evils, horrors, terrors, all beyond comprehension.

you see love in the sky. against the gray clouds, you see that brighter, pinker times are coming. more vibrant times. you see them now, and you hope for a better place for all sentient beings. you hope for coexistence between all parties. limit the violence to what's needed for decolonization. luigi mangiones of the world, carry on. you know i will never not support political violence. i will never not support it. things like what happeneed to you know who. we know the word 'deserve' is very loaded, and what does it even mean anymore, but i’m going to use it here.

oh, brother. what am i even saying at this point. i’m just not able to play the part of the person who always expresses love and shares things about their life and is perfect. today i couldn’t be perfect.

in my mind’s motor cortex there’s a spider walking along the territory of my left index finger. i see it, or some other bug of some other kind, and even though it’s juts a bug in my mind’s eye, i still see it as a sign.

the older you get, the harder it is not to calcify into a piece of shit. these people have no fucking hearts anymore. no heart, no ability to make new, exciting, revealing, loving situations.

i see the subway floor in my mind’s eye spinning beneath my feet. i’m on unsteady ground right now, and i'm not sure i have it in me to be present. i might need to be silent.

i feel myself falling asleep. i’m going to let it happen. i can do it. it's fine. already brushed my teeth. oven is off. all that. it’s taken care of. we’ll all be fine. it’ll get taken care of. sleep on it. don’t let it stop you. keep going.

sorry to anyone who's expecting something from me. i can't do it. i have to let myself be disappointing. i have to let my silence be loud, because i have to help myself first. i can’t bear to open the schrodinger box right now and check in. i can’t do it. i don't have it in me to do it. don't make me do it, please. i can’t do it right now, and i won't do it. i can't and won't.

sorry to be negative and hateful, but i’m feeling this way. i’m sorry if you think i’m making mistakes, if you think i'm being avoidant and that’ll be the death of me somehow. i don't care, my friend, i don't care right now i don't care i can't care. everyone else is coupled up right now and i'm just here by myself. i'm happier this way, mind you, i couldn't be happier than i am right now, happy to be alone, happy to not have to be in touch if i don't want to be, happy to be alive. happy to have loved and lost. happy to have lost. happy to have lost, because to gain and to lose are inevitable, and to have gained in the first place, and to have held on to some of those gains, some of those lessons learned from this dog, like how you have all the answers outside. all the answers are outside and you go inside for rest, repsose. that’s what i learned from her. that’s what i learned from her. go the fuck outside. go for a damn walk, even if it’s just a short one. just walk around the block or something. go for the damn walk. go for the walk.

there are so many problems in the world i’m living in, the one i feel i have access to right now, this version of the world where i live. it's fucked up and i almost think it might be hopeless, but we don’t like thinking that way, because there are so many days when we will wake up, remember? so you can be brave.

it's all good. you got it. shoutout to the dog. i’m sorry about the world.