hhhhhhhhello, is this thing on? i think i am on, and i can tell because i let out a deep sigh just now. it’s a weird time and place to be alive.

american culture is so devoid any spiritual substance. our spiritual capacities have been sucked dry. we have willingly and unwillingly surrendered all of our capacities to Big Screen. we have have dumped out most of our critical thinking abilities, and we are made to think that it's okay to just do the screen thing all day.

i haven’t been able to think of anything to say.

i just can’t understand how we got here as society. how the fuck have things gotten this bad? are white people really this fucked and depraved? yes, they are. i shouldn’t be surprised. marcus aurelius said you shouldn’t be surprised when people know not what they do. i shouldn’t be surprised, and i should lead with love, but in this moment, here, now, i can’t really do it.

i feel like i’m somewhat ready to leave society for real this time. i think i need to get out of here. i want to be done. can i be done, please? can i please just be done? i’m so tired... i’m so very tired... i just think that i’m sort of maybe ready to let it all go and go live in some kind of community... fuck, dude, what the hell am i supposed to do? do i just move to tibet and be done with all the rest of this bullshit forever and ever amen type shit? maybe we could.

i have a little bump. maybe it's cancer. maybe i’ll die in a few days, too, like the dog. maybe this is more of an ending than we even thought.

i hear some kind of screeching, as if agreeing with me and this dark conclusion. but then it stops, as all sounds do. they all stop, and then they get forgotten soon after. some sounds seeem to lodge in a sulcus on our brain and create some kind of micro folding to house the synapse or something.....

there is a little nihilism that slips in every now and then. i think it dresses itself up in budddhism to prevent me from ever getting too nihilistic, because i really don't want to be, i think there is meaning...

sigh

stop trying bottom line, i don't think it's good for people to kill. i think i would prefer if we didin't do stuff like that. i know decolonization requries violence, and it’s not a metaphor, and it’s not done with these simple exchanges of smiles and good tidings at halloween parties dressed as waluigi. it is abject terror and violence and it is people killing people, and it's things getting blown up, and it’s animals dying, land becoming inhospitable... it’s about all of these things..... but not like this.

the colonial situation is such that people will hire a company to send a worker to come to their house and inject their pet with some lethal poison that’s going to make them not be alive anymore.

i don’t know who she will be reincarnated as. i think we really taught her a lot about the world just by giving her the space to go out and learn those things herself, from her own experience... from her own experience, she learned, and she had this beautiful life, and now she got killed by manmade forces beyond comprehension. terrors and horrors and evils. manmade evils, horrors, terrors, all beyond comprehension.

you see love in the sky. against the gray clouds, you see that brighter, pinker times are coming. more vibrant times. you see them now, and you hope for a better place for all sentient beings. you hope for coexistence between all parties. limit the violence to what's needed for decolonization. luigi mangiones of the world, carry on. you know i will never not support political violence. i will never not support it. things like what happeneed to you know who. we know the word 'deserve' is very loaded, and what does it even mean anymore, but i’m going to use it here.

the luigi effect oh, brother. what am i even saying at this point. i’m just not able to play the part of the person who always expresses love and shares things about their life and is perfect. today i couldn’t be perfect.

the older you get, the harder it is not to calcify into a piece of shit. these people have no fucking hearts anymore. no heart, no ability to make new, exciting, revealing, loving situations.

i feel myself falling asleep. i’m going to let it happen. i can do it. it's fine. already brushed my teeth. oven is off. all that. it’s taken care of. we’ll all be fine. it’ll get taken care of. sleep on it. don’t let it stop you. keep going.

sorry to anyone who's expecting something from me. i can't do it. i have to let myself be disappointing. i have to let my silence be loud, because i have to help myself first. i can’t bear to open the schrodinger box right now and check in. i can’t do it. i don't have it in me to do it. don't make me do it, please. i can’t do it right now, and i won't do it. i can't and won't.

sorry to be negative and hateful, but i’m feeling this way. i’m sorry if you think i’m making mistakes, if you think i'm being avoidant and that’ll be the death of me somehow. i don't care, my friend, i don't care right now i don't care i can't care. everyone else is coupled up right now and i'm just here by myself. i'm happier this way, mind you, i couldn't be happier than i am right now, happy to be alone, happy to not have to be in touch if i don't want to be, happy to be alive. happy to have loved and lost. happy to have lost. happy to have lost, because to gain and to lose are inevitable, and to have gained in the first place, and to have held on to some of those gains, some of those lessons learned from this dog, like how you have all the answers outside. all the answers are outside and you go inside for rest, repsose. that’s what i learned from her. that’s what i learned from her. go the fuck outside. go for a damn walk, even if it’s just a short one. just walk around the block or something. go for the damn walk. go for the walk.

there are so many problems in the world i’m living in, the one i feel i have access to right now, this version of the world where i live. it's fucked up and i almost think it might be hopeless, but we don’t like thinking that way, because there are so many days when we will wake up, remember? so you can be brave.

it's all good. you got it. shoutout to the dog. i’m sorry about the world.